


Messy Handwritting Club

by vendettafrank



Category: Phan, Phandom
Genre: Amazingphil - Freeform, Art, Drama, M/M, Multi, Other, Phan - Freeform, Romance, danisnotonfire - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-07
Updated: 2016-10-11
Packaged: 2018-05-18 22:34:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 80,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5945821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vendettafrank/pseuds/vendettafrank
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan is an artist. His main goal in life is to create a masterpiece. No matter how cliche that sounds.<br/>Every day is a struggle when you have art block. One day, on a Halloween night something changes and Dan draws something he never expected to draw. But the next day the drawing is no longer in the canvas...<br/>What happens next will changed Dan's life forever...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Clouds as a paint tube

"I'd rather die with my fingers smudged in paint than live as a wealthy doctor". Dan admitted to his friend while he was going around, picking his supplies up and trying to make an order in his art corner.

The room had a repulsive smell of paint who every human who wasn't an artist hated. The other person in the room giggled and immediately scoffed after, "that's nice, Dan, but who's going to pay the bills?"

Dan turned around to face the bastard who was doing nothing but annoying him throughout the whole day. "I chose this life, Chris." He stated firmly. "I am enjoying this life." He emphasized the word enjoying.

Chris rolled his eyes at Dan and turned his head towards the window that had a view on the grey skies that lurked over London.

"At least, I am enjoying my life and what I do." Dan repeated firmly which followed by a quirked eyebrow at Chris who scoffed once more at the objection who he knew was meant for him.

"You can say whatever you want. But, working in an insurance company is much better than sitting at home and trying to make a masterpiece that will never come because you have no inspiration whatsoever." Chris spit out angrily, which only made Dan confirm his point.

Chris insulted Dan by saying that he will never make a masterpiece but Dan didn't even pay attention to insults anymore. When he was younger, he desperately tried to defend art and explain to ignorant people how astonishing it was. It was a failed plan from the beginning because people never change and people want to see you try and fail.

Chris's facial expression painted a guilty picture which you get when you accidentally insult your friend and his head quickly turned around so Dan couldn't see it, but he knew it was there even without seeing it.

The thing that Dan loved about Chris was that he had no filter and sometimes his brutal honesty snapped him back to the real world which was a thing that Dan appreciated.

His head was too often in the clouds and not in the beautiful kind but in those who circle in dark shadows around you and you don't expect them until you feel drops of rain, rolling down you face, trailing the natural pattern that you face has until it falls on the floor and makes you slip.

Some certain things in life had no filter and that was what Dan liked. The reason why he liked them so much was because he could see right through it. No lies. No hiding.

It was the end of autumn and the leaves have deserted their homes and now they laid in the dust which got picked up by people, cars and ordinary things. Autumn made Dan melancholic. Being melancholic wasn't a disadvantageous thing to him. It was the source of inspiration and inspiration lay in those little specks of dust that fell from the tree when it commanded them to do so.

Chris was still sitting by the window, staring out of it, not paying attention to what Dan was saying or doing.

Dan just stopped talking and continued to do his thing without making unnecessary sound.

It was weird to see Chris so focused on the outside world when he spent all of his time pondering on things he missed out or situations he should have changed. Seeing Chris like this was even inspiring but Dan didn't want to make a picture with Chris on it. He would think that he cares more about him than he does and he doesn't care much.

"Chris." Dan called out from behind the canvas, his voice muffled by the dirty mop he stuffed in his mouth because he had no place to hold it. His hands were taken by brushes and paint.

There was a quiet sigh coming from the window that belonged to Chris.

"Yeah?"

Dan fake coughed because he hated to do this but it was necessary.

"It's kind of getting dark, you should go home." He said as quickly as he could. Chris made a nice company but the feeling that his presence brought was overwhelming in every aspect.

Dan wasn't an outgoing person and as much as people who considered themselves to be his friend, tried to change him, he will never actually attempt to do socialize.

Change was an abstract matter to Dan and he liked to keep it that way.

Chris finally looked away from the window, his clothes reflecting the grayness of the sky. "Okay."

Dan waited for thirty seconds until Chris left.

Then he heard the door shut and Chris's voice saying something along the words of 'good night' or 'see ya' or whatever was pleasant to say.

The canvas was clean and ready to be painted over. But the thing was he had no inspiration. He was only twenty two and the absence of it was truly concerning. Someone would think that a young person like himself would be bursting with ideas and selling out his artwork, but, no, Dan was not doing that and he wasn't succeeding in anything particular.

That resulted in the lack of food in his fridge and the unpaid bills that lay on a kitchen table he stole in a shady ally when no one was looking. He still couldn't believe that he stole that little table. Probably some homeless person is missing that stupid table that Dan didn't even use.

He turned his body to the window. Just a few months ago, his artwork was growing rapidly and now he was simply stuck in this never ending void of not knowing what to do and what to create. Art block, they like to call it.

Dan felt like his 'art block' was not just blocking his inspiration but some other thing too. Like his motivation to rule the world with his art. Yes, to rule the world with it. It's not actual ruling the world with your artwork. What he actually wanted was to put his artwork somewhere and for people to go up to it and say "wow, this is fucking shit", "this artist is messed up" or just a simple "I like this".

The thing that he liked about art was the fact that you can create the biggest piece of shit in the world and someone out there is going to say that they like it.

Art makes people capable of stating their opinion without having any knowledge about it. One person can like it and the other person can hate it and they'd both be right.

Can you just imagine in what kind of mess Dan was in when he couldn't even get people to say that they hate his artwork?

Dan ran his hand through his curly hair in an attempt to clear his head of stupid and irrelevant thoughts. The irrelevant things still crippled inside his brain, causing him to steer in place. He headed to the window, sitting on the cold tile that was right there below the window.

The cold air was making his feet frozen and the coldness started to overcome his body, but the truth was he didn't care, almost every time in his life he came up to a point when he had no idea what he was supposed to do. Now, the cold air was just a distraction from the thoughts that pointed its finger to where Dan didn't want to go.

That place was called failed artists.

It wasn't actually a real place but Dan felt the world slipping out of his fingers and the only place he could see at the moment was that dark, dark place with millions of people who did or do the exact same thing as he.

Art.

Art was fucking hard.

Every other artist in the world knew and know how fucking hard it is.

Dan remembered one of those moments in his past when he was just a kid and he was in school, sitting in the last row, his nose running because he was sick but he couldn't miss school. So as he was sitting there, scribbling someone's portrait, one boy from his class came up to him and peaked into his drawing.

Dan literally wanted to swallow the piece of paper with a lame drawing on it, but it was too late.

"You are like this artist then, ha?" the boy asked, his grin wider, looking almost like a Cheshire cat, only meaner.

Dan looked around, all of the acquaintances that usually surrounded him somewhere else, not able to protect him from this boy. He couldn't do anything but answer straight.

"I guess so."

Dan sighed and his gaze fell to the drawing he spent drawing at least thirty minutes.

"I just started drawing." Dan extended his answer so it made more sense to this idiot who was still above his head.

The Cheshire cat smiled, preparing himself to say something mean.

"Why is it so ugly? The only thing you do is draw."

Dan's breathing stopped and he remembered his old self and how insecure he was, and then he realized that not much has changed.

The thing that had changed was that he was twenty two and that he had his own shitty apartment and that he had barely any friends and that all of the effort he put into art might not pay off.

The fear was the worst. Why, you may ask? Because it always had a way of messing with your head until you are not certain who you are anymore.

Dan shifted on the window, his rear starting to ache out of the uncomfortable position he was in; he stepped back from the window, now standing with his feet on the cold floor. The sky changed its colour so fast that even human eyes could easily detect it. The wind was strong and the clouds were moving rapidly. The gray clouds seemed endless, they flew to his apartment and went past him and it looked like nothing could stop them. It also seemed like they were never going to lose colour. The grayness was everywhere and Dan was mesmerized by it. Dan imagined what it would be like if the clouds were a paint tube, and the gray colour would never stop flowing from it and splashing on the white canvas.

But it wasn't just gray, it was a combination of white, silver and black and it mixed perfectly.

The sky was a piece of art.

And Dan wanted to paint something like that one day.

His mind was directing him to a lost memory he once had and Dan could feel it just at the back of his head. It was trying to get out and break free. He remembered it fully now. The sunny day, the breeze of the spring wind, the old house where he used to live and the tenants that lived there, absent, somewhere on holiday. All in all, the house was totally empty.

He was at the top of the stairs that led to the second floor; the place had a perfect view of the street.

As he was drawing one of his first drawings that he even liked, he remembered that the world felt a lot brighter. Not that the world was bright at that time, it was just the realization of how much of an innocent kid he was, how much he cared about the world and how much he didn't know about.

Those were some blissful times.

Now, he was clenching his right fist while the other clutched onto the pen in his left hand. All of a sudden he felt angry and not just the normal kind of angry but the one where he wanted to kill someone. Dan wasn't one of those luckily people who lived their lives without homicidal thoughts, but every time and this time too he had to do what he always did. He turned to art because that was his getaway. That was the only thing he had left and he knew, no matter how pretentious he sounded when he spoke about it, that art truly rescued him from the ebony pits of ordinary life.

It was Halloween and Chris had invited him to some party downtown in some club that would probably have all the boring people who work in insurance along with Chris.

It wasn't that Chris was boring; it was just the situation he was currently in. Chris was under the impression that working for insurance would bring him all the things he wanted in life, or rather what his mother wants. The smile that Chris used to wear on his face was long gone and it was replaced by sad eyes and a smile that was almost always downwards.

It was not his fault but Dan couldn't help but feel how unfair it all was. Even though Dan had his opinions, he never expressed them. He had a reason for that like he had a reason for everything, and this reason came up when he was just a young kid and he promised himself that he would follow it until the end of days.

Stating your opinion in a group of people who disagree with you is like giving a bullet to a person with a gun.

Yes, it was that serious, especially if you were a sensitive person like Dan.

Dan rejected Chris's offer just like he always did. Chris would say that he needed to socialize with people but the feeling that he would get when he stepped outside in the unknown world was destroying him.

The clouds changed and the sky was a different picture now. He clutched the pen tighter and then the sudden burst of energy happened.

Dizziness overcame his entire being and his body felt a lot stronger at the moment. This was the first time in a long time that he felt such determination to start a piece of art.

He went through various art supplies and nothing seemed right.

The room managed to shrink and expand every once in a while, especially when he looked up to the ceiling.

The pen was now in his other hand because his left hand was sweaty.

The pen? Should he just work with the pen?

It seemed like the best decision so he went with it.

Now the question was only what to draw?

Dan went back and forth in his living room. The canvas was empty, the whiteness of it making him sick to the stomach. He eagerly wanted to fill it with something, anything at all.

Colour could come later.

He looked around and realized there was something missing, but he couldn't quite put his finger on it.

Back and forth across the room and he finally managed to figure out what was wrong.

The canvas was wrong. Not the whiteness of it or the lack of art on it. The canvas size was wrong. Dan exhaled sharply as he gathered some garbage, making a little fort of it as he laid it on the couch near the canvas.

The energy still vibrated throughout his body and he could even feel a smile creeping on his face. This was something he needed; this was something he dreamed about. Sudden energy coming from nowhere. It was almost surreal.

The hardest part came and he stopped in his tracks as he stared at the huge canvas he had grabbed from the bedroom in his frantic running across the room and back into the living room.

The anticipation started to get to him and his shaky hands craved art. He could bet that his pupils dilated because that was what always happened when he was excited about art or when he was mad.

That was at least what people told him.

Dan didn't like the animalistic impulses he sometimes had and he tried to regain control of his body and calm his soul. It was so goddamn hard sometimes; he was only human after all.

His art had to contain the part of him when he controlled his impulses. The controlling was how he handled things in his life and it was working so far, more or less.

The control was slipping away with the crazy energy flowing from his veins and pouring into the gray, almost night sky.

He hoped it would rain and ruin everyone's Halloween. Dan caught himself thinking and acting like a Grinch sometimes, in this case a Halloween Grinch, but soon after he shook the thoughts off and concentrated on what is important.

The lines flew across the thick paper and Dan had never felt so satisfied in his life; the lights were off and the only source of light came from the window and even that reflected gray and black all over the canvas. Dan couldn't see shit and he wondered why he was doing this piece like this? There was something that stood out so much when his hands trembled over the paper and the pen seemed to be working in his favor on this beautiful, gray-stained night.

He would move away from the drawing every once in a while, to see how it looked and how the piece was progressing. The smile was still on his face and the feeling of being content was still lingering all over his body.

The awakening that he had emerged somewhere from the bottom of his soul and his movements were riveting as his hand sketched faster and faster until it became numb.

He stepped back once more and he noticed that he went off the scale; the drawing was a life size drawing of a person who he had never seen before.

Dan looked at it carefully, stepping back and forth, noticing the little curve that made his character's lips smile. It almost looked like the drawing was staring at him, but he always had that issue. When he was younger he would change his clothes in some room where there were no pictures of humans that looked at him like they were judging him for his poorly developed body.

That thought made him smile and he didn't really know if it was because his art block loosened up a bit or because he started to grow and like that moment in his life.

He was a strange kid.

The pencil dropped to the floor and the graphite was almost totally blunt.

The drawing started at him and Dan stared back at it. It was beautiful to think about the fact that Dan had done this drawing in minutes-

Wait a minute, it was already 10 p.m. and as much as Dan would like to congratulate himself on being so fast, it seemed that time passed faster than he thought.

It had been two hours since he started to draw and to him it looked like barely minutes passed. The gratifying feeling was replaced with a tired body that wanted to collide with the bed as soon as it could.

He thought about brushing his teeth but his tired hands were still shaking from the previous excitement and he was too tired to do that, so he decided that he would do that in the morning.

The life size drawing of a person he never met stood there in the canvas, looking somewhere over him. Dan could've sworn that he drew the eyes looking right in front of it, just like when people take pictures and everything is fake and everybody has to say cheese.

He prescribed it to being worn off and awfully tired. His back hurt like a bitch and he stretched just to hear his back snapping.

He let out a grunt as he headed to his cold bedroom.

The bed was at least neatly made and he collapsed onto it until he began to shiver under the cold. He jumped under the covers, making his body form a fetal position so he would warm up faster.

His eyelids dropped so quickly and he could feel them like they were curtains falling on the stage after a successful play.

His dream contained wavy things and inanimate objects and it all felt so euphoric and delirious.

He woke up a few times to sounds coming from the living room but he wasn't energetic enough to actually give a shit, it wasn't like anyone could rob him or anything. If someone actually tried to rob him he would help them search for the money. Who knows? Maybe there's some hiden cash around there.

The sounds stopped and began again and it was all quiet and then some small footsteps were heard very far away from Dan.

Dan didn't want to get out of bed, so he didn't.

The thing he didn't know was what a mess he would get into first thing in the morning.

-


	2. Remaining fragments of a dream

The pulsing that Dan felt in his body woke him up too early in the morning. The sun shone through the window, casting parallel lines over his bed and walls: the stiff air in the room made Dan grouchy and irritated. He needed a moment to realize what was real and what wasn't. The remaining fragments of his dream lingered in his mind as he tried to compose himself for the new day. He didn't know what day it was nor did he know who he was at that exact moment.

He always felt like that in the morning, no matter how his previous day was and no matter how rested he was. This day like any other wasn't any different.

His eyelids were threating to drop once again and lead him back to sleep but with every ounce of strength he had he resisted the sweet temptation that his bed had. Dan smoothed the edges of his sheets as he began to realize how cold it actually was. It was November now and the room temperature fell to the point where Dan couldn't really walk around in a shirt with short sleeves. It was that time of the year where you get into sweaters and you don't leave them.

His laptop started humming out of nowhere and Dan exhaled loudly in irritation: it always hummed, even though he wasn't using it. That was probably a sign that his laptop was getting older and the updates that he didn't update when his software told him to weren't really helping.

He couldn't be bothered.

The laptop stopped humming and as it ended, the room was once again in silence. The only thing that made any noise were Dan's legs that were trying to get the sheets off of him. It was like fighting with the devil.

The seconds were unfolding in front of Dan even though he wasn't paying attention to it. The clock was striking somewhere in the distance and he couldn't help but feel like he was stuck in time.

Stuck in time. That was the right term to describe it. The helpless feeling of time slipping through his hands was gone and something shifted in his being. He could feel the change in his soul.

It was so weird to think that some massive change happened when nothing was different, and Dan couldn't help but feel confused with his current state of mind and soul.

He was hungry and the lack of the food in his fridge made him feel rather sad, he wanted to resist the urge to buy new food, but there was nothing he could do to the yielding feeling in his stomach that signified that food is the only answer. He was desperate to save some money for art supplies but basic human needs were getting in the way.

The cold parquet radiated cold and Dan couldn't help but shiver. His already cold feet connected to it and he made every effort to continue walking even though it was hell for his feet (just in a cold way).

The dream that finally went away from his mind imprinted itself in his memory; it was a nice dream, which was weird because good, relaxing dreams didn't happen to Dan, especially because his dreams were a reflection of his daily life and the life that he was living wasn't nice. It wasn't that bad either but he wasn't having the time of his life. All the goals he had set up for himself when he was younger started to seem more unrealistic, and the weight of the world pulled him down as his dreams became heavier to hold.

Metaphorically, his back was in pain as he held the unworkable goals on his back: all this time the ache was increasing and now it felt like it was all gone. He stood up, smoothing his bed a bit, something that he never did this early in the morning.

There was always some certain routine that he had and this day felt different for some reason: the feeling inside his stomach proved to him that something weird was going on.

But when it came to routine, his day would pretty much be just waking up, eating, doing art (or not doing art and laying on the floor because of art block), sleeping more, barely talking to someone and then making his bed right before going to sleep and then finally going back to sleep.

And so it went like that every day.

Dan's normal routine was already broken. Thus far the day felt different and he didn't even leave his room. The blinds that shielded his room from light were up and it entered the room in swift motion. The cold air felt refreshing for a change and the London atmosphere slowly filled the room just like smoke entering the lungs of a nonsmoker, slowly and intending to harm.

It was unusual to see sun outside because after all, this was the rainiest city ever. It could be worse, but Dan appreciated sun every once in a while.

The only thing that the sun wasn't good for was his art. He never made any piece when the sun was shining outside; it was becoming rather intolerable to look at the sun, so he just hissed towards nothing in particular. Inspiration came from darkness and the perfect mood he needed to get into was the dark clouds before a storm. Just like it was yesterday, the heavy dark clouds vigorously leaned over the earth, inspecting where it would land its sadness on the ground.

That kind of situation would make someone sad but Dan drew inspiration from it. It wasn't really professional from him to draw only when a certain mood hit him or when the weather suited him. Maybe that was the reason why he never managed to sell any of his works for a big amount of money.

His mouth had a stale taste in it and he was ready to start this weird day.

The blinds were up, the fresh air was coming in and he was still in his pajamas, but that wasn't a problem because nobody lived with him and he didn't have to be ashamed to walk around naked if he wanted to.

Even though he would never walk around naked, that was just out of the question.

It didn't have to do anything with his self-esteem; he just watched too many Hitchcock movies and every person who had binoculars was suspicious.

Dan forgot what he was thinking about and tried to concentrate on what was important.

Get food.

Color the drawing.

Maybe draw another one.

Sleep a bit.

Procrastinate.

Do it all over again tomorrow.

Dan left his cold room and scrambled towards the bathroom; he looked at his tired eyes in the mirror and shook his head, clearly not approving of his look.

His hair was a mess and his curls were even more tangled because of the rain that fell yesterday. He ran a hand through his hair and every attempt at making it look decent was futile, so he just gave up after a few times. The water splashed his face and his eyelashes looked better now. They weren't so stuck to each other anymore and his face looked more alive, for sure.

The heating wasn't working, to which Dan's body responded negatively. He went around, tiptoeing so that his feet don't go to cold and with every step an icy sharp was sent throughout his body, Dan tried to imagine what life would look like if he only had some normal heating, it would probably be a lot better, seeing that his life consisted of coldness and nothing else but coldness.

He skimmed towards the kitchen so he could make himself some hot chocolate (yes, he was twenty two and he still drank hot chocolate instead of coffee, deal with it). Dan already had the powder with which you made hot chocolate and the only thing he really needed to do was to add milk in it.

So, he put the milk on the stove as he waited for it to warm up, so that at least something was warm in his hands.

If there was one part of the day that he liked (and he didn't usually like day time) then it was the morning when he drank hot chocolate. He felt like a kid sometimes while doing that but feeling like a kid is not a bad thing, and it never was a bad thing.

The longer you stay a kid in your head the better. Kids are pretty much innocent creatures until adults corrupt them in the most twisted way. And then they stop being what they were before and turn into the monsters that created them in the first place.

Dan liked to believe that there was a kid part of him that never left, the one when he would laugh at the stupidest jokes and the times where he believed that the world could be and would be a better place.

It all seemed so irrelevant and, well, stupid now, even though this day was a tad different from the other days.

There was something in the air this early chilly morning which only showed Dan that this was not the day to be a grouchy little fuck.

The hot chocolate was now safely in Dan's stomach and he disposed of the stupid blue- red mug in the sink. The mug had the United Kingdom flag on it but it faded over time and now it was just blue and red spots everywhere.

Dan was actually satisfied with that, because goddamn it, he already lived in the United Kingdom and he was British, he didn't really need the fucking mug with his country's flag on it.

He was about to head back to his bedroom when he noticed something weird. An absence of something in his living room, an absence of something that he thought would wait for him in the morning.

He picked up the glass where he usually left his pencils in and searched for the one that he used just yesterday.

It was there, still blunt and used.

He turned back to drawing, or to be more specific to the lack of the life size drawing of a person he did, it just wasn't there, and it looked like someone just came and snatched the character. The only thing visible was Dan's signature in the right bottom corner of the canvas; he brushed it with his fingertips as he felt the indentations where he pressed too hard.

"What the hell?" Dan whispered softly to himself as he tried to remember if maybe the drawing process was nothing else but a dream. But it couldn't be? Right? Because he was there the night before, the Halloween night where he chose to stay at home instead of strolling down the streets with Chris Kendall and his stupid insurance colleagues. The ache in his fingers proved that this had happened. The only problem was the fact that he did finish the drawing, a character with warm eyes and a soft gaze who was little bit shorter than him, Dan didn't even draw some kind of clothes, and he just made the clothes look white as he tried to think of a good outfit for this character.

He was thinking about bright colours and even though he was a firm believer in black clothes and nothing else but black clothes, it seemed that this character would be totally different from him.

It would be great if the drawing was still there but it wasn't.

He felt his brain imploding and the thumping in his head began to quickly take form.

Maybe this was it; maybe he was finally losing it?

He turned around from the canvas, too sick from looking at the white surface of it when he noticed a shadow in the corner of his eye.

The crushing realization settled with him as he tried not to freak out.

There was someone else in the room with him.

Dan turned around on his heel as slowly as he could, not trying to make any sudden movement or loud noises, his glance caught sight of someone's feet and his eyes scanned the person up until they reached the face of this person.

The glass that contained the pencils descended to the floor with an ear piercing sound, the pencils scattered across the floor and Dan couldn't breathe. His facial expression was frozen in time as he came to realize what he was seeing.

There it was. His drawing was standing right in front of him, stretching his hands towards Dan as it tried to form a sentence.

A shriek was heard from Dan's mouth as he stumbled backwards, colliding with the edge of the couch. That thing that he drew was standing behind the canvas, looking at him with petrified eyes. Even though it looked really scared there was a certain amount of tenderness in it and Dan couldn't help but relax when he saw it. The rational part of his brain prevailed and he shuffled towards his room, managing to avoid any further contact with the floor or the wall or the human-looking creature.

The door was locked behind him and his breathijg started to hitch and sobs formed in his chest.

That was what triggered the snapping point and the collapse that started right after it.

Dan's chest rose as his discontinuous sobbing became harder where he couldn't even see anything in front of him, the tidal waves of sadness pulled him under and he could feel it shoveling sand down his throat. It was in that moment when he realized the reason behind this crying. He was afraid, he was more than afraid, he was scared to death. And could somebody blame him from running off and hiding in his room and crying like he had never cried before? You could, but it wouldn't be nice. There was his drawing, his own creation standing in the living room and Dan didn't have any choices left but to consider what options he had.

First idea that popped to his mind was that he had gone completely off the rails and that he is seeing things that aren't there and so on.

Second idea was that the drawing wasn't actually an illusion but a real thing and it was caused by some magical forces on a Halloween night.

Dan was starting to suspect the only person who could frame him like this and it was Chris Kendall, but then again Chris wasn't a piece of shit and he never played any heavy pranks on his friends, especially not now when he was all serious and crap like that.

Dan's ragged breath was coming to its normal pace and he tried to gather courage as he laid on the floor, his back against the door that lead to the creature that was probably still standing there. He pinched himself really hard, his big thumb and index finger leaving fresh red marks on his upper left arm.

The pang of pain echoed through his body and that made Dan even more frightened.

So, this wasn't a dream.

This morning was a hell of a ride and he hadn't even properly woken up yet. He remembered that his phone was in the kitchen and even if he wanted to call someone he couldn't, he would most definitely pass the creature and be forced to interact with him (if the creature could speak, of course).

He didn't want to do that. The only thing he wanted right now was for that thing to go inside that drawing and be what Dan intended it to be in the first place, just a fucking drawing.

He slid from the door, his back slumping back against the parquet in his cold bedroom. Suddenly the cold wasn't such a big of a deal when you had a creature that you created standing in your living room. Oh, how the tables had quickly turned. Dan cradled his face in his hands, rocking back and forth as he was now just sitting on the floor, his middle and his index finger massaged the places where it hurt most and it looked like that place were his temples.

Some intelligible sounds were coming from the living room and the sound perfectly echoed through his apartment so he could hear but that didn't really help when there was nothing he could understand.

Dan could swear that he heard something crashing and then after pressing his ear to the door he heard a loud bang coming from somewhere near him, the fear was pushed aside and he rapidly opened the door just to see the thing or the person lying on the floor, not looking alive.

Dan fucking craved liberosis. The desire to care less about things.

If only he could do such a thing.

He slumped down next to the body, touching it carefully as he flipped them on their back.

The thing was still breathing but it looked immensely tired. Some would mistake it for being unconscious but it wasn't. It was still alive and that was the only thing that mattered.

Dan was about to pick him off of the floor when the creature started wiggling. He sighed, his hands wrapping around the creature's wrists and pulling him back to the couch.

That was the moment when Dan looked closely at this thing he created. It had an angelic face and the hair was pitch-black to the point where it almost looked unnatural, but then again, what was natural about this situation? That's right, absolutely nothing.

Compulsion swayed through his body as he looked outside at the sunny day and the illuminated windows of people's apartments. It was truly the weirdest day of his entire existence.

He was about to go back to his room when he heard quiet whimpering noises coming from the creature. He slouched back down to where it was laying and he came closer so he could hear what it was trying to say.

Dan was waiting and waiting and nothing was happening, he was about to give up when he heard a word coming from athe creature with a determined voice.

"Dan." The creature spoke in his sleep.

And that was the moment when Dan's heart came to a halt.

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> votes and comments would be hella rad. this story with have a plot and i already know what's gonna happen at the end.
> 
> if you are wondering what music i listen to when i write this, it's Lansig-Dreiden and unknown mortal orchestra.
> 
> it has the vibe that suits this story


	3. His soul is a ghost town

There are moments in your life when you act surprised. There are moments in your life when you are genuinely surprised. There are moments in your life when you are not surprised at all.

This was one of the moments where Dan couldn't even breathe properly, nonetheless react in a certain way. He was fricking the fuck out and it seemed like the world started spinning so hard, as if it never intended on stopping.

His breathing hitched and his voice cracked as he tried to come up with something to say. There was no one there to talk to besides... Besides the creature that was now laying on the couch.

Dan's hands were trembling harder and harder as each second passed.

Was this a hallucination? Was this just a wicked dream?

He rewinded the whole day back in his head and he couldn't find the cause of this problem.

What caused this situation?

What the hell was going on?

The creature shifted in its sleep and Dan froze in place.

Its hair fell on the creature's face and Dan could see eyelids fluttering and then blinking rapidly. Somewhere in the distance, violin was heard and the creature lifted its head a little bit from the pillow that Dan totally didn't put there at all. Nuh-uh, not at all, he was being totally hostile towards this thing that just appeared in his apartment.

Dan moved closer and he could hear it breathing, making shallow inhales and exhales. He immediately stepped back when he heard a quiet sigh coming from the creature and he was a good few meters away, or as much the spaciness of his apartment could give him, when he heard it again.

"Dan."

Dan was finally able to hear its voice clearly. It sounded soft and tired, yet again like it was the hardest thing for the creature to pronounce.

This was the moment when Dan really didn't know what he was supposed to do.

The creature lifted its upper body in an agonizingly slow tempo, making all sorts of sounds that were unfamiliar to Dan. He couldn't decipher whether it was trying too hard or maybe that was just what kind of sounds they created.

It didn't turn out to be the latter.

The creature or as Dan quickly made up the name for this being, "Character" was looking at him with tired eyes and a groggy expression. Character was sitting now and making little, weird inhaling noises as if they were trying to breathe for the first time.

Wait... maybe it was trying to breathe for the first time.

The high pitch sounds of the violin came through the wall and Character just turned its face towards the wall, looking at it in freight and amazement.

Dan was so caught up in looking all over the creature that he didn't even realize it extended its hand towards him.

He was still hoping that this was a weird dream or a fucked up hallucination.

One time, he read an article that said something about how you can recognize whether you are in a dream or if what happening to you is real. Usually, people couldn't see themselves in the mirror or they couldn't read or they couldn't see numbers, like on a clock or something similar.

And as the creature held its hand towards him, Dan checked the clock first. He saw the numbers quite well and he could see that it was early in the morning, the shorter hour-hand on thirty seven and the longer one on ten.

Next thing he went looking for was something written and in no time he found his old sketchbook that was filled with lame ideas, but still completely filled because in that time he wasn't in this state of art depression like he was now. His eyes glanced over the sketches and splodges until he found an old Latin proverb.

Alea iacta est.

He went over the Latin words a few times, mostly because he was trying to convince himself that what was happening wasn't real.

But the die was cast and there was nothing he could do.

Dan turned around to check one more thing and it felt like a final test, the mirror standing right opposite of him and then he caught his own eyes in the mirror that looked disappointed and tired as well.

Dan glanced over his features and as always he was not happy with what he sees, his curly hair, lanky legs and overall fragile body.

The quiet muffle was heard once more and Dan's body stiffened again. The creature lowered its hand down and stared intensely at Dan. Dan closed his eyes for a bit, trying to block out all the sounds in his mind and all the voices that were screaming that maybe he should just run. His opened them slowly and he couldn't help but divert his glance towards the creature once more.

It had the saddest expression that Dan has ever seen on anyone before.

The smothering feeling of guilt corrupted his lungs in an attempt to do something that would make his feel better. All things aside, everything he wanted to do was run. Run and never come back because he didn't need this kind of worry and he didn't need this overwhelming feeling that suddenly resided in his body.

He didn't need this.

The creature started to quiver and Dan quickly grabbed his phone and snapped a picture as the creature laid back on the couch. The camera snapped a photo and saved it to the gallery to which Dan proceeded to send in a message to his friend Chris.

This was the only way of him convincing himself that this was not a hallucination and if Chris confirmed that he can actually see something in the photo then that means he will be even in more shit if this isn't a hallucination.

If it is a hallucination, then yeah, sure Dan is utterly fucked, but if it isn't, then that means that the world did something fucking strange and he wasn't sure how he deserved it.

The creature's head was craned at a weird position and Dan couldn't help but feel bad for not even trying to help, he was just standing there, waiting for something ground breaking to happen even though something ground breaking already happened.

Little whining sounds were heard coming from the Characters direction and the irritating feeling of guilt climbed up all the way to Dan's heart and was eating it bit by bit, chewing stronger and stronger as time progressed slowly.

He ordered his legs to move and when they finally did, they stormed off into his bedroom and his hands pulled the covers off of it and then rolled it into a big ball until they came back to the living room and unrolled it in front of the Character.

It was looking at him with a petrified expression but it seemed to lessen as Dan lowered the cover onto it.

He could feel the worm eating out his heart and even though he already knew that his soul was a ghost town, he couldn't help himself but feel things, feel things that weren't ordinary, feel things that were making his throat stifle and burn in agonizing pain.

Did the fear lessen?

No, it didn't. He was still fucking afraid and the agitation grew even larger as he felt the creature grabbing his hand with his own in a delicate way, intertwining their fingers together.

It felt like someone punched all of the air out of his lungs and the Character just looked at him, like it was waiting for approval. The tension and their touch were broken by a loud noise coming from Dan's phone. The creature tried to rise sharply in their place but the covers were getting in its way of doing that. The Character's eyes were a round shape and it looked like a combination of timidness and sheer fright. The creature couldn't stop goggling at everything while they tried to find the source of the sound. Dan pulled out his phone and silenced it with a press on the screen that revealed a message from Chris.

Dan couldn't help but sigh.

Here it goes. It was either his sanity or the world was doing some fucked up shit.

"WHO THE HELL IS THAT? DO YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND?"

So, it was the world doing fucked up shit. Dan should've known that he wasn't the one that went off the rails.

He put his phone on mute and waited for another message from Chris, scrolling up and down and looking at the thing he took a picture of, merely minutes ago. No wonder why Chris's reaction was like that. The Character looked like it was in their pajama and it looked really tired, and Chris made his way through understanding it in a rational way.

Fucking shit on a stick.

Another message popped up on his screen and Dan pressed it once again, waiting for caps lock to appear and Chris to freak out once more.

"WHAT THE FUCK, DAN? I DIDN'T KNOW THAT YOU WERE INTO GUYS AT ALL, BUT THIS IS GREAT YOU GET THAT DON'T YOU. HOW DID YOU FUCKING MEET?? TELL ME EVERYTHING!!!"

Dan couldn't help but feel irritated by the text message he received. Chris was always the first one to jump to conclusions and this was him doing just that. Dan threw the phone right next to the creature's feet and he observed them for a second.

It looked normal and Dan inhaled in and smelled the creature. It was freaky to do such a thing and he felt like some sexual predator or a fucking serial killer, but the only reason why he did was because he wanted to know if it smelled in a well, weird way.

And it didn't. The Character smelled like a human being and Dan felt weak in his entire body. This was beyond confusing.

But then again, what did Dan expect for this creature's smell to be like, paper? Sand? What?

His vision was fuzzy and he felt like ripping his flesh off while his brain exploded into million pieces as he tries to regain control of his being.

The violin stopped somewhere in the distance and the silence echoed through the almost lifeless walls of his apartment.

Dan knew he was alive but was this creature alive? It could speak, that was what Dan was totally sure of, but was it actually alive?

Dan moved closer to the Character and raised his hand closer to its face. The Character's pupils dilated and the fear regained control over its body once again. He moved his hand slowly towards the carotid artery on the creature's neck, his index and middle finger stretched out and looking like they were glued to each other. Dan was millimeters away from the Character's skin when he gathered the courage to press his fingers against the skin. Dan's two fingers made a small dent on the right side of the neck and he waited for his fingers to sense pulse.

Dan could feel the vibration that the creature's heart made and his soul felt even heavier now that he knew that this thing, lying on his couch was actually alive.

It looked up, its head lifting and his neck making awful cracking noises.

Dan felt like the world stopped.

The Character's eyes were so blue, it looked like the sea washed away in them daily and the mesmerizing light blue color embodied the shape of irises. It was magical just to look at them and Dan found himself not breathing, not moving, and not doing anything at all.

Fucking hell.

The world was his apartment now and this creature was the center of it.

The Character continued looking at Dan and he had to look away, not because he was feeling numb, but because he was feeling too many things at once. And that was weirdly comforting for a change.

The creature didn't blink nor did it look anywhere else in the room besides Dan's eyes. Dan had to break the staring contest and the tension lingered in the air, leaving them both waiting for something to happen.

Dan noisily stood up, making effort in making some noise, turning the pages of his sketchbook, disparting the pages that got stuck to each other and looking at the tiny sketches he did of some unknown humans that were colored in with watercolor.

Dan looked up because he could feel the creature's eyes drilling two holes as it scanned over Dan's body, and when he finally did, all he saw was a sad smile.

Dan took that as an invitation to ask it some questions but as everything went to shit, so did this plan.

"Dan, I don't know who I am." The creature spoke with eloquence and its pronunciation was perfect. Dan had to admit to himself that there was something about the way this creature held itself and how intriguing they looked and now, how they spoke.

The world decided to shut up, at least for once, and the street looked empty and there were only noiseless sounds echoing around them, like bird chipper and the static ringing quietly.

Dan loudly swallowed a lump in his throat while his eyes gathered liquid in them. He wasn't crying, no goddamit, he wasn't. He was feeling something, that was for sure, but he couldn't unscramble the reason behind it.

He didn't know who the creature was either. And that was bothering him immensely. It was bothering him so much that he'd just rather make it all up as an illusion and a hallucination then handling it like an adult that he barely was.

Dan was only twenty two and his life has been hell for far too long.

The Character moved slowly, its face showing signs of pain as he tried to move his legs, the blanket feel on the floor and Dan quickly moved towards it so he can pick it up and put it back on the Character.

But the creature just waved its hand like they didn't need it.

Dan was utterly confused and on the edge of bursting into crying but that was because he was feeling desperate and useless. A big amount of time passed when the Character managed to stand up properly. And when he did, he looked like he was about to collapse to the floor any second. As Dan concluded that, that actually happened and the creature fell with a loud thump on the floor just like they did when Dan woke up.

Its body was sprawled on the floor and Dan quickly rushed over to the creature so he could pick its body up.

Dan regained the creature back on its feet and their whole body was shaking to the point where Dan felt like he was holding water in his hands.

But he wasn't holding water in his hands; he was holding a living, breathing being that was falling at his feet, not being able to function as if they acted like they were born seconds ago.

Maybe they were born just seconds ago.

Maybe this was a first day for them on this awful planet.

Maybe Dan needed to take care of them.

Dan finally figured out that he started to refer to them as them and not it. It was a heart stopping moment, because he figured out that they are a human being. Living, breathing and bleeding.

Dan looked down at a small bruise that formed on their foot from falling and he could see little dots of blood appearing but it seemed like they didn't care, or maybe they weren't in immense pain.

The blue eyes were staring directly into Dan's beautiful brown eyes; Dan's hands wrapped around the creature's waist and they were holding him still.

They held onto Dan firmly, making sure of not letting them go in any circumstance.

Dan felt like crying and he recalled all those times when he was helpless and afraid of doing anything that required skills he wasn't informed about and this moment felt like it. He knew that if he tries to help this creature, he will most definitely be forced to step into unknown territories and things he doesn't know about. And that was the heart stopping moment when Dan finally realized that it was time to start living.

Living

Living properly, taking risks and having adventures.

Dan clutched the creature tighter in a hug, accidentally nuzzling into the crook of their neck, making the creature gasp a little and making himself surprised of the action he just did.

The sounds came blaring back into his ears, making small progress as he became more aware of the world.

He needed to take care of this creature and make sure that no one corrupts them in the process.

Dan detached himself from their body, feeling affectionate as ever and moving their black hair out of their face.

They were still dressed up in those white clothes and Dan couldn't help but think what laid underneath those clothes. This all felt like someone added their work onto his drawing. It felt weird and rewarding at moments. The only reason why he was interested in all of this as much as he was, was because the drawing wasn't colored when they came out of it and there they were, standing (barely), with their black hair, vibrant blue eyes and pink lips

Dan stepped back to watch the creature in his arms with worry. He never thought that his life would go this way and there he was holding something impossible in his hands.

Something completely impossible.

"I am going to take care of you." Dan said with a soft voice, admitting what he wanted to say to someone for a long time.

The creature nodded and held their arms towards Dan. Dan lifted them and carried them to the couch.

And the world zoomed in and it zoomed out as the colors came splashing together, making a cacophony of all the things you consider beautiful.

The wind howled between the building but to them the air didn't seem all that cold.

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, guys votes and comments would be super great. if you want to ask me anything about this fic or anything else you can comment or send me a message.
> 
> this chapter has 3k words and it took me around 4 hours to write with pauses ofc.
> 
> thank you for reading this...


	4. Abrading noises

And as the wind howled between the buildings, Dan tried to form normal sentences in his head, but his head was a dark mess and as always, he would ran out of nice things to think about and he was left alone with the ones that he didn't want.

Those thoughts consisted of horrifying monsters that like to use their white nails as razor sharp knives that sliced through your skin with horrendous abrading noises. He was left all alone in this demeanouring silence, feeling like he's been swallowed, chewed and digested by something so awful that he couldn't even describe it.

Why did everything feel so gushy?

It was the early morning and he would expect the world to be silent, but there was one thing that was causing noise and Dan was so not prepared for another being living with him.

This creature or Character as Dan liked to call them was sitting on the couch, not even touching the food that Dan barely provided for them. They were just sitting and staring at the TV, flinching every time there was a sharp sound and there were unfortunately a lot of sharp sounds. They were watching a football match after all. The poor bastard, Dan thought to himself. He wouldn't be caught dead watching a fucking football match. If there was a gun pointed at his head, he would still rather choose death than watch it.

A lot of people told Dan that he is a drama queen and this just proved it all. He would most definitely rather watch a football match than fucking die, but why not exaggerate things?

And yet again, this creature was sitting right beside their blanket that Dan tried to put on them, but to no avail. The pink blanket (yes, a pink blanket, piece of advice, don't go around gendering motherfucking blankets, okay? I hope so), was right beside them, thrown away right immediately as soon as Dan tried to put it on them and they were just sitting there in their thin clothes, watching the TV almost absentmindedly.

But they weren't absent minded, no, not at all. If you looked inside their eyes, you could see the fire and ice extinguishing each other as seconds passed. It looked like the most surreal thing but at the same time Dan could swear that he has already seen the same spark in someone's eyes once before. Maybe in his own once, too. But this reflected everything and nothing at all. This creature was almost blank and as time passed, in this situation, literally seconds, he could see them changing and maybe, even learning but at the same time they looked like nothing but a blank, untouched piece of blackboard.

Tabula rasa.

You could say.

Dan shifted uncomfortably a few inches away from this thing that he didn't even name. Dammit, he should have thought about giving a name to this thing, because it was his character and when you make a character, you fucking name it. But no, Dan was a bloody amateur. He sighed heavily and slouched back in his chair while he kept his eyes on this creature that defied any movement whatsoever.

They were fucking mesmerized by the TV as much as they were terrified.

It was like a cat seeing its reflection in the mirror for the first time.

For some reason, it made Dan very sad.

He decided to gather something he always lacked and that was some fucking courage.

He slouched down on the couch, right somewhere where the pink blanket was now, and he stared at the creature as long as he could until it turned its face towards Dan.

"What are you?" Dan asked quietly and the creature sighed sadly, looking up at him through its eyelashes.

"I don't know." It replied slowly, annunciating every word a little bit slower than what some usual person, a human that's been living longer than them on this earth would do.

Dan shifted uncomfortably, the blue eyes piercing him as he finally divided all their attention to Dan.

"Do you have a name? Like, do you, I don't know, has anyone given you a name?" Dan leaned closer to this creature, his elbow supporting his head.

The creature immersed in the couch, exhaling through its nose, making soft noises as he once again looked at Dan. "I don't have a name." They smiled sadly and then bit their bottom lip, slowly averting their gaze to something else then Dan's eyes.

"Do you have any idea what your name could be?" Dan asked while shifting closer and throwing away the blanket to the side, now normally looking at this person that was beside him.

They swallowed a lump in their throat and Dan could see their Adam's apple bobbing a bit, then licking his lips and shrugging once more as those casual words came out of their mouth.

"I thought you were going to name me."

Dan furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. Him? He had to name them? Why him?

"Why me?" Dan asked, finally processing what his thoughts unraveled in his head, making a question after all.

"You made me." The creature said with a small sigh, casting their eyes everywhere but Dan's eyes, making sure not to look at him directly.

Dan felt hopeless and miserable, as if he needed any of those things now. This situation was unfolding in front of him, but he still didn't understand all of this.

"I made you." Dan repeated after the creature, still not believing that this thing, person sitting next to him was real.

"I made you, you say..." Dan trailed away once more, the creature now stopping at moving his eyes everywhere and simply closing them and leaning back into the couch, their white clothes looking scruffy and almost torn.

They needed clothes. They needed food. They needed everything that a normal human being needed and that stressed out Dan so much. He could barely take care of himself.

Dan couldn't help but sigh heavily and this all felt like one big competition in sighing. Why was life so hard, right? Things could always be worse, of course and-

Yeah, this creature just slid down on Dan, their head in Dan's lap. If this wasn't the most uncomfortable situation of all the situations that ever happened to him, then he didn't know what this was.

This movement that this creature did, his character, made was something similar to when you have a cute animal in your lap and you are not allowed to move, because logically cute animal equals no moving. It's an unwritten rule that needs to stand there for all time.

Dan looked around not knowing what to do.

His hand unconsciously ended up in the creature's black hair, his wrist bent at an unnatural position, the black strands sticking out between his fingers like antennas.

Maybe this creature was an alien. Who knows anymore? They looked pretty human but why shouldn't aliens look like humans too? Where does it say that aliens need to look like short, green beings? Nowhere, that's right.

Maybe this creature was an alien that somehow projected themselves into his canvas.

Dan raised an eyebrow at his weird conspiracy theories that made no fucking sense whatsoever and on top of all, sounded like a stupid science fiction movie.

He glared around his apartment while still having his fingers in the creature's head. They shifted so they could feel more comfortable and were now laying completely spread out on the couch, their head on Dan's lap and the rest of the pretty long body spread out on the couch, looking very much dead.

His gaze fell on the TV that the creature barely moved their eyes from the whole morning.

His TV was fucking old as fuck but it looked retro and Dan enjoyed how much of a good sound it had. For a TV old as it is, it was miraculously how good it worked and actually, never malfunctioned.

The brand of his TV was Philips.

And Dan thought about that for a second.

Dan nudged the creature slightly in an affectionate movement and the creature almost immediately looked up with those blue eyes of theirs.

Dan's breathing hitched and he just pointed at the TV, the creature following the direction Dan pointed at.

He sat straight and looked at the TV again, looking back at Dan for more explanation.

"The brand of the TV is called Philips, so I thought maybe you want to be called Philip..."

The creature, now Philip nodded more than enthusiastically.

Well, that was settled then.

Dan felt a little bit satisfied with himself because he actually accomplished something today.

"So, my name is Phil." Philip said with a smile.

Dan chuckled at the nickname Philip immediately gave themselves.

"Philip will do just about right." Dan concluded, smirking down at Philip who made a pouty face.

For someone who didn't know who they were, they were developing all kinds of emotions real quick.

"No, my name is Phil." Philip said with a serious tone in his voice.

Dan raised his hands in a it-was-just-a-suggestion-don't-get-pissy-about-it way and continued to ramble about random things while Phil had a casual stroll with their eyes over Dan's paintings that he put on the wall.

Now, before everyone jumps to the conclusion that Dan is conceited and that he is an ego maniac of an artist. Wait for the explanation. Dan put it on the wall, so he could see his progress and not because he was so fucking in love with his drawings or paintings. Even though he knew that every artist had to be a little bit proud of what they did and to some measure "in love" with their own creations to sell them, he still felt a little bit thrown off when someone made a comment about his art, what was rare these days because his art block was acting like a bitch.

Phil was his creation and Dan couldn't help them in the way he thought he was going to, this creation; Phil was going to be a bigger fuss than he expected.

Dan would call this a nightmare but seeing Philip, Phil, making surprised sounds and having his mouth hanging in an 'o' shape was totally worth it.

Dan took the blanket and wrapped Phil in it and Phil just smiled purely, with a smile Dan has never seen before and even if he did it was before people get corrupted by shit that surrounds them. And that sucks, that's certain. Dan knew it from experience. He gives people tired smiles so they leave him alone because he doesn't want to explain, what's going on in his life and he takes a trip down the memory lane and remembers those times when him and Chris would laugh their hearts out and it was pure, just like he could see it in Phil now.

Their foul smiles mean nothing anymore and their teeth grew crooked of all the times they gave someone a fake smile or when they made sure that everyone knew it was a fake smile.

Fucking hell, he never wanted that to happen to Phil.

The only adjective that managed to describe Phil was angelic.

His face gave it all away and his eyes gave away this spark of life that Dan had lost long time ago and unfortunately forgotten along the way.

But he could see it now in Phil's eyes and it made him feel like someone punched him in the guts repeatedly.

It wasn't pain that he felt, it was just the feeling of being fucking overwhelmed all at once, but then again that could resonate with being in pain.

Good pain, though.

Good pain and nothing at all but that.

Maybe life was worth living like this, feeling good overwhelming pain all over something you lost before and then it appeared out of the blue in your life.

Maybe, it was worth it...

Dan pulled Phil towards him and then he stopped himself.

Phil didn't know basic stuff about things and he will have to set a good example for him.

Starting from now on...

"Phil, can I hug you?" Dan blurted out the question quickly and gave Phil a questioning look.

Phil just looked at Dan with his eyebrows knitted in confusion.

Dan felt the need to explain why he even asked and why he even needs a hug.

"Phil, just so you know. When people ask you for a hug, it's because they are feeling emotional or they are in a need for some sort of a warm embrace or just to calm themselves down and remember people shouldn't touch you without your permission, so also when you want to hug someone you ask them, okay?"

"Which one are you?" Phil replied, more or less, his body shifting towards Dan's so they could look each other without curving their necks sideways.

"Which one? What, I don't understand." Dan said while exhaling. He thought he was the one who was supposed to know shit in here.

"Which one of those things are you right now? You need a hug, right?" Phil already stretched out their arms to Dan and Dan couldn't help but smile.

Phil was literally the human embodiment of a bear.

"I am emotional." Dan replied simply, not even bothering to come up with a lie.

Phil just shrugged and came closer to Dan and wrapped his arms around him. The warmth of Phil's body surrounded him and Dan felt like he was home, like he was truly home. Even though, he was in his apartment, he finally felt at ease and home after a long time now.

Dan could feel Phil's arms going slightly weaker in this embrace and then Phil let his arms drop to his sides.

"Is that okay?" Phil said with a smile, fine lines forming around his eyes.

"Yes, that's okay." Dan smiled wider, trying to achieve the pureness that was Phil's smile but he failed miserably.

Maybe, they will help each other with these things.

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo, guys i am really tired. please leave a comment. i feel more valued when you leave comments. votes are really cool too. i love all of you who vote. this chapter is 2k long which is not much. but we are getting into this story don't worry.
> 
> if you have any question regarding literally anything don't hesitate to message me


	5. Orange nights

There was something outside.

A small sound.

As if someone was pulling their nails over the metal board. Something resulting in horrible screaming and screeching.

But there was nothing at all, there was just Dan.

And there was Phil too.

Phil was there too now and Dan needed to get used to that.

It was night time and Dan made sure Phil doesn't bother him during the night.

He tucked him in, gave him a pink plushy that Phil didn't even appreciate that much. Maybe the reason behind the non-appreciation was the fact that the plushy was stacked in Dan's closet far too long for anyone's liking and it started to get a certain smell that wasn't the most pleasant of them all. Phil threw it a bit away from him but held his eyes on it the whole time and Dan had to come to terms with that. Dan even managed to feel a bit victorious when Phil was safe under a blanket, tucked in, warm and safe.

Dan started to feel like Phil was this friend who got into trouble and now had to stay at his house because his parents kicked them out or something. But the reality was far different from that.

It was so different now.

Dan started to feel this peculiar feeling that he never quite developed and he wasn't so sure what feeling it was but it was overcoming him really quickly.

Was it overprotectiveness?

Maybe, but then again who was Dan to Phil?

Maybe, no one. Dan doesn't really know who Phil is or where he came from or well, literally anything about them.

Dan was extremely confused but he decided to brush it off and leave it for tomorrow.

He was totally past hoping that Phil would somehow disappear in the morning, that wasn't even a possibility anymore, Dan would freak the fuck out if that happened, he would turn every stone upside down.

Maybe it was overprotectiveness...

Nonetheless, Phil was safe and it was bedtime and all the questions that Phil has and all the questions Dan has can wait until tomorrow. They both looked and felt drained and it was taking a toll on them, both of them were yawning and in no time, Dan slightly closed the door to his bedroom and collapsed on it, pulling the covers over his cold feet and body.

He wanted to stay up and think about everything and rethink all the things he has down in his life, but his eyelids were heavy and he could feel them dropping slowly, inch by inch, until there was nothing more but darkness.

-

There was really something radiant about Phil and the way they smiled and Dan could see it, he could actually see it, because there was Phil, standing right about his bed, looking down at him with this one small, but still radiant smile that got Dan scared in three in the morning. The sky was veiled with darkness and Dan could see that the grey clouds weren't really keen on going away. It made the perfect contrast and it was visible what was closer and what was far away. The stars blinked shyly and weakly far, far away, somewhere, millions of years ahead . Dan could only see one star, of course and that was Phil, who was standing still at the same spot, their cushions under their armpits.

No matter how much Dan liked the stars, this star got him frightened in these early hours as they stood right above them, looking at them hopefully, and the small smile faltering as they shifted their position, their feet probably getting colder and colder with every second.

It was also one of those nights. When the sky looked like it was mixed with orange and grey and the lights illuminated the space around it making it seem like someone threw a bucket of paint in the air.

Dan loved those nights, he even felt a little bit bad that he didn't wait to see what kind of night it would be, but he was too exhausted and so was Phil, but apparently not that exhausted when he was standing right above his bed, waiting for who knows what.

"Phil, what are you doing?" Dan rubbed his eye until it started squeaking to which Phil made a surprised face.

Phil glanced to the floor, their feet bare and probably turning blue because of the cold.

"I was cold." Phil replied honestly while his teeth clanged together.

Dan couldn't bare the sight of them looking so small under the coldness, he quickly pulled his covers and showed Phil where he could jump in. Phil obligated with no question and the bed sank in a bit as they pulled the covers up.

Phil's body radiated cold and Dan was fucking surprised with how cold they actually were, he pulled his hand from behind where he usually put it (he usually slept like he was fighting the devil), and touched Phil's hand who was not more nor less, fucking frozen.

"Phil, you are freezing, what the hell?" Dan furrowed his eyebrows in confusion as he figured out that Phil was in face, cold to the bone.

Phil made a shrugging noise and Dan could see their lips move downwards in an i-don't-know way, their body was freezing and Dan wasn't sure how to help.

Phil was trying to warm himself up and was now rubbing with their hands under the covers, making soft noises with their hands as they giggled to the motion they were doing. Phil was like a happy child and Dan couldn't help but smile at what a doofus Phil was.

The room temperature has dropped significantly and Dan moved his head up so he could get more access to the air.

There was something off about the temperature and Dan couldn't help but question himself if maybe Phil is like the White Witch from Chronicles of the Narnia and maybe he brough the cold but then again Phil was too adorable to be evil. But looks can be deceitful and Dan promised himself to get more into it until he remembered the one thing that every human needs to do.

Pay fucking bills.

He didn't pay the bills and now the both of them are suffering because the heating is fucking off.

Un-fucking-believable.

Dan was so pissed at himself, he wanted to punch himself so hard but he couldn't, not right now, not in front of Phil.

Phil looked at him with concern in their eyes and small glimpses of something Dan couldn't decipher.

They were just this one big enigma.

Dan's thoughts were literally running and they were about to roll on further when Phil interrupted him with a question.

"Dan, you made me." Phil waited for a second until Dan nodded, he then continued. "What am I?"

Dan sighed. He sighed really deeply, almost so deeply that his neighbors probably heard him.

Phil was asking questions that Dan had no idea how to answer to. And now there were a few things Dan could do and that was 1: ignore Phil, 2: tell him that he has absolutely no fucking idea and 3: try to pretend that he somehow magically fell asleep even though his eyes were open wide.

He chose the most logical one.

"I have no idea, Phil. We are pretty much in the same situation here. You and me." Dan replied, the corner of his lips twitching into an encouraging smile, leaving the both of them awkwardly smiling at each other.

"What are we doing then?" Phil asked, his eyes glimmering and making that blue color shine in the darkness. Dan could only imagine what his eyes looked like in the darkness, probably like colorless voids that sucked you in and spat you our like nothing.

Dan thought about the answer. Was there any solid answer he had for this question? No there wasn't. Did he actually know what to do? No, he didn't. That still didn't stop him for trying, now, did it?

The problem with this question was that Dan wasn't sure which answer Phil would understand and what answer wouldn't.

Dan turned around to fully face Phil, their hands linked together and some of Dan's heat transferred to Phil and they weren't shuddering so much anymore. Dan had a mini celebration inside himself. He tried to unlink their fingers but Phil wasn't really letting him, they were probably enjoying themselves too much. Dan had no other choice but stay where he is, his body next to Phil's and their fingers laced together. He started to trace patterns across Phil's palms, smoothing the skin out even though that wasn't necessary because Phil's skin was insanely smooth, like preternaturally smooth.

Those were just probably the perks of coming from a bloody drawing. Dan didn't really want to think more about it, so he composed something that would result an answer.

"We are... We are doing what we need to do." Dan wanted to laugh because this was starting to sound like he was back in high school when he tried to get a good grade by bullshitting.

Dan composed himself, took a deep breath and looked Phil in the eyes.

"We are going to figure out where you came from and what your purpose is and then we will, we will..." Dan trailed off, his head running out of options.

"Send me back where I came from?" Phil finished for him while trying to ignore the obvious hurt expression in Dan's face.

Dan swallowed some sadness that remained in him after those sentences. "Maybe, yeah."

Phil and Dan avoided each other's stares. Was it already hurtful to say those things? Were they already starting to grow on each other? This was beyond crazy, Dan thought. Things don't go that fast for him, not this fast, not for anyone, not for any human being. But then again, Phil maybe wasn't human.

"We will think about it when the time comes." Dan replied with something more of a cheerful tone to which Phil seemed to lighten up.

Phil shifted in his Dan's bed and as their body moved Dan's heart came to a halt. There was a person in his bed and he didn't know anything about them, yet he was behaving like he knew Phil since they were born.

Speaking on the matter, how old is Phil? When were they born? Does Halloween count as Phil's birthday, because if so, Phil should be an infant, not an adult? Phil blinked a few times in the darkness and Dan could see that Phil's pupils were blown; he prescribed that to the darkness.

Phil sniffled and Dan prepared himself for a question.

"What is life?" Phil asked in a soft tone which resulted in Dan thinking how maybe he shouldn't have left them watching the TV the first day they were on Earth.

Dan coughed because he couldn't help himself.

"Ball."

Phil just looked at him, their eyebrows knitted together in confusion. The face they were making was the thing that drove Dan mad. Dan needed to remind himself that Phil isn't informed on stupid jokes that even Dan doesn't make that often, but this time it got the better of him.

"What?" Phil finally expressed his confusion in words to which Dan just waved with his hand, creating even more cold air to which Phil shivered.

"Nothing, it's just that... there are things that you won't understand, like jokes and slangs and stuff like that and I will have to teach you all of that." Dan sighed and Phil unknotted his eyebrows a bit until their face came back to normal and Dan envied how much Phil's face looks marvelous. He really drew Phil well. But as time progressed, in this case literally minutes, it felt like Phil was adding personality to his face and maybe that was the reason why Dan found it so beautiful.

The both of them exhaled in the same moment to which they both smiled in unison. It was so nice to have someone right beside you, just so they can hold you close and tight. But they weren't touching because it wasn't necessary, not at this exact moment.

"You will have to teach me a lot of things." Phil said with an intrigued voice that almost hinted something that Dan couldn't decipher. It almost seemed like Phil knew what they were talking about, but then again they seemed so clueless.

Dan's hands were freezing and the back of his head was firmly lying on the pillow. His eyes glanced over the ceiling. He left the door open so he could see outside through his balcony. The light that came from the outside illuminated all of the things that had reflections in his house and it provided him enough light so he could see every move Phil made.

Phil broke the train of thoughts with another question.

"What is there other than this state you and me are in?"

Dan turned on his side so he could see Phil completely. Their torso was lifting peacefully as Dan inspected them. He didn't know the answer to this question. He usually didn't have an answer to anything. And that bugged him a lot.

A state the both of them were in? Constant confusion? Dan was in constant state of irritability and denial but what about Phil?

A few cogs clicked against each other and that was when Dan finally understood what Phil was talking about.

"Being alive?" Dan questioned, his face forming a smile for some reason. "The two of us are alive."

Phil just nodded and Dan's face lit up because for one, he actually understood what Phil was thinking and it was a relief and second, this will make everything easier if Phil is the one asking questions.

"What is there other than being alive?" they deepened the question, their face utterly calm.

Dan shifted closer and their fingers linked once again today, their cold fingers brushed against each other and Dan thought to himself, this is actually nice...

"Death." Dan said ominously. "There is death."

Phil nodded once more, merely an inch and they closed their eyes while unlinking their fingers. Dan felt a little weird, now, that their fingers weren't in contact anymore and he just stuffed them to his sides. He was about to close his eyes when he heard another question.

"What is the difference between the state we are in and death?" Phil whispered almost inaudibly. Dan had to strain himself so he could hear what Phil was saying.

His brain always did this twitching thing when he had to concentrate hard and this was the time for concentrating hard.

His hands left his sides and he clasped them together.

What is the answer to this question?

"The difference is that when you are alive, you exist and when you die, you don't."

Phil didn't move, he just looked at Dan for more explanation.

"Being alive is more complex than being dead. When you are dead, you have no worries nor do you deal with everyday stuff. There is no pain and no misery but there is also no hope and no life in any form, whatsoever." Dan was actually satisfied with his answer and he had a complacent smile upon his lips.

"If being dead was such a carefree thing, then why aren't we all dead?" Phil almost pleaded, their voice turning into some weird concoction of sadness and misery.

Dan swallowed a lump in his throat; he could feel his Adam's apple bobbing up and down as it came down.

Dan reached out to touch Phil again and his hands ended up in Phil's hands, their fingers lacing together as he traced patterns across Phil's palm.

"No matter what people say or what people do, or whatever horrible things surround you, you have to remember that being alive means having opportunities." Dan inhaled. "And having opportunities means having chances in life."

Phil glanced down and smiled to himself. Dan was once again in the state of confusion.

"I won't go anywhere, Dan." Phil cocked an eyebrow at him but it wasn't in a conceited way. It was more in an i-know-you-think-of-me-as-a-problem way.

Dan closed his eyes while he started to slowly drift to sleep.

"I know that."

And the last thing he remembered was a hand tracing down his face, leaving soothing effects. Phil better not go anywhere. Dan needs him.

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo guys hope you enjoyed this. next chapter is gonna come soon. votes and comments are rad and also if you have suggestions about where these characters will go don't hesitate to put it in the comments
> 
> it's 1am i am tired


	6. Breaking down the simplest questions

"Some of us are just not meant to have a good life." Dan said as he held Phil's hand tightly, rubbing it and making circle movement to soothe Phil and make their hands warm.

They've been talking since last night, the conversation just went on and on and on and it didn't seem like it was going to stop. Dan was mesmerized with how much Phil wanted to know and most of the questions that came from Phil were purely philosophical. It also seemed that he learned a lot from the small amount of watching the TV, but also some of the questions that Phil asked were completely fucking funny because he never thought that he would hear someone saying, "Why do the children eat bears?" and it took Dan a big fucking while to figure out what Phil was saying.

Children like eating gummy bears.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Dan was scared for Phil until he realized what Phil was saying and then he explained why children like eating bears.

It was like talking to a grown up child. Dan figured that in no time, Phil would be asking weirder questions and he wasn't sure if he was ready to explain all the awkward questions (especially about love and sex because Dan wasn't good at it).

They stayed like that the whole night and Dan even began to feel more comfortable with Phil and with himself. He couldn't remember the last time someone slept in his bed and this was something he never thought would happen this fast. Literally, Phil was "born" few days ago and he was already thinking and making himself breakfast.

It was weird.

It sure was weird.

Dan led Phil into the kitchen to make breakfast and they both sat down and Phil eyed Dan's cereal. Dan just made a gargling noise to warn Phil that his cereal was his and his only.

Phil didn't get the obvious warning and he just dipped his hand into the box and smashed it against his mouth.

Dan looked at Phil in disbelief, Phil's face scrunching up and down as he chewed. He couldn't help but feel slightly angry and irritated but when Dan saw the abnormally huge grin plastered on Phil's face, he couldn't help but smile too.

Phil was doing all sorts of wonders to him.

Phil ate the whole fucking box of cereal and he took the box and tried to get out some more, but nothing came. Immediately after there was a sad smile on Phil's face that almost looked like he was saying, "so long, my friend. It was nice when it lasted."

Dan smiled once more, his teeth barely displaying.

They both stood up at the same time while marveling at their unison. Phil dropped the blanket on the floor and Dan picked it up and wrapped it around Phil.

Phil puckered his lips and swayed on his feet. Dan looked up at him, smiling at how packed Phil looked, all wrapped around and he made sure Phil felt comfortable.

Phil had this melancholic expression on their face and Dan couldn't figure out the reason behind it.

He decided to voice his worry. "Phil, what's wrong?"

Phil shook their head and Dan lifted his chin so they were looking at each other in the eyes.

"I just feel weird." Phil answered sincerely.

Dan didn't know what to respond to that. Phil felt weird, but good weird or bad weird? He wanted to make Phil smile and not worry about anything. He wanted to take care of them in every way but Phil was this huge enigma that he probably won't ever be close to discovering.

"Go sit on the couch." Dan decided to go with what already happened yesterday. He turned on the TV and Phil's eyes brightened and went little wider when he saw cartoon characters running around.

The TV was the devil, Dan thought to himself, but it sure controlled a lot of minds.

Dan went back to the kitchen, the spoon still lying on the kitchen counter and the vacant box of cereal flipped over next to an empty glass.

There was a loud noise coming from the front of the apartment and Dan realized it was the bell. Someone actually dared to bother him in nine am in the morning? Who was this crazy person? Dan was about to go to the door when he looked back to the couch to see his favorite person on this planet not there. His eyes scanned the room furiously and he was about to shout 'Phil' when he heard the front door opening and Phil being the one doing the action.

Dan let out a small shriek and ran to Phil to tell them to stop.

But it was too late.

And the people in front of the Howell apartment gasped.

And the person who was always the loudest, high fived himself and shouted. "I knew it!"

Chris Kendall was the one who shouted it, of course, but he wasn't alone.

His entire small group of friends was standing outside the door, waiting to barge in and interrogate him until he dies.

Chris was smiling and showing towards Phil and the rest of the crew was just wide eyed, curious and surprised. Mostly surprised.

PJ just pointed at Phil and squeaked. It was such a weird noise, especially when it came from him while on the other hand there was Louise and Cat just almost bursting out in laughter.

Dan felt the blush creeping on his face and Phil was just looking back and forth between Dan and his friends.

His friends just smirked in the DAN-HAS-A-BOYFRIEND way and WE-ARE-GOING-TO-KILL-HIM-BECAUSE-HE-DIDN'T-TELL-US-A-THING way and Dan had to admit that this was the first time he felt genuinely scared of his friends.

He let them in and Phil moved to the side and smiled at Dan's friends until he saw Dan frowning and he grabbed his hand and held it out in the midair, viewing Dan up and down, making sure he was okay and that they were okay.

"Let's do this." Dan whispered to Phil.

His friends slouched on the couch and Dan eyes all of them suspiciously, waiting for one of them to ask a question.

Phil mumbles something incoherent and goes to the bedroom.

When the door is closed, Chris literally jumps out of his seat.

"DANIEL JAMES HOWELL, YOU SNEAKY FUCK!"

Cat and Louise finally burst into the laughter they've been holding for far too long.

PJ was blushing for some unknown reason and Chris was about to flip tables or some insane shit like that.

This was a mess and Dan was pissed.

"Will you shut the fuck up?" Dan shouted at the raging small crowd. They all stopped mid laughing, mid freaking the fuck out.

"Phil is not my boyfriend." Dan exclaimed, his hands making that gesticulation that suggested that everyone better not argue him on this.

"Phil? What a nice name you got there." Chris said to Phil who appeared behind Dan. Dan startled at the sudden touch he felt somewhere on his back. Phil was holding his hand there and it was warm and comfy and Dan just wanted to lean into it but this wasn't the time when the friends police interrogation squad was there.

Cat and Louise just made the thumbs up motion towards Dan which signaled that they approved of Phil.

Dan just sighed heavily and moved past them all and went to the kitchen to get coffee or something that would calm his nerves. He usually optioned for hot chocolate but that wouldn't work on him at this exact moment.

Phil sat down right next to the person that was high fiving himself since he got here in Dan's apartment.

Chris smiled meanly and Dan wanted to smack him from where he was standing but you know, even if he wanted to, he couldn't hurt anyone.

Chris was about to rain down a thousand questions on Phil when Dan jumped in with a question.

"So, what are you guys doing here?" Dan smiled forcefully at them and all of them turned around to face Dan who was holding a mug with coffee in it.

PJ was the one who spoke up first, his face showing some guilt for just barging in like some peasants. Dan felt a little bit sorry for PJ who was always the one who got dragged along with Chris. Chris didn't take him to bad places or was a bad influence but sometimes he didn't think fully with his brain and that landed PJ in some uncomfortable situations.

"We were in the neighborhood and we decided to drop by." PJ flashed a controlled smile at Dan who was now dangerously eyeing Chris. Chris was just so naively unaware of how many death glares Dan was sending him. If Chris decided to barge in like this once more time, then it's going to be all over.

Or that's what Dan staged in his head, and that was probably never going to happen in real life.

"I mean, we dropped by because Chris told us so..." Cat trailed off and looked guiltily at Chris who was sending death rays and glares to Cat who just smiled in a i-fucked-up way.

"So... Chris. Why are you here?" Dan appeared right behind Chris, literally breathing down his neck.

Chris gathered some courage and spoke up directly, no stuttering, no whispering the words.

"We came to see if you have a boyfriend." Chris scrunched up his nose and looked towards Phil who was shifting uncomfortably on the couch.

Dan straightened his back. "Phil is not my boyfriend."

Phil is a fucking drawing; he came from a fucking drawing. Dan doesn't even know what gender Phil is (not that that is so important at the moment), so basically even if they were dating, they couldn't be boyfriends because Phil's gender was under the question mark.

"Then what is Phil to you?" Louise furrowed her eyebrows. Cat joined in by nodding.

Dan and Phil looked at each other helplessly. This was a moment where Dan needed to decide what quick, believable lie they would all fall for.

Phil just looked at Dan with some hurt in their eyes to which Dan was utterly confused. Why would Phil feel scared? Confused, yes, but scared, no?

"Phil is my... agh..." Dan trailed off as everyone eyed him suspiciously.

"Phil is my model." Dan said with a loud exhale and Phil relaxed in his seat.

"Phil is your model?" Cat asked slowly to which Dan nodded. "Since when do you draw real life human beings?" Cat concluded with her hands clasping together.

Since when does Dan draw real life human beings? Well, since never until a day ago when this one decided to step out of it.

PJ was all smiles now that everyone was satisfied with answers and he smiled way too brightly at Phil.

"Phil, what's your last name?"

The fear burst in Dan's lungs once again and he found himself looking back at Phil who was nothing else but lost and helpless.

Dan searched in his head for a good last name and he wasn't remembering any believable ones.

He looked at the television and there was something on the news about the Lester & Mowerys Pharmacy and Dan almost shrieked because Lester was a perfect last name for Phil.

Phil Lester.

How fitting.

"Lester." Dan interrupted the staring contest everybody had on Phil. "His last name is Lester."

Phil evidently sighed in relief and Dan smiled to himself, his glance falling to his shoes as he managed to solve another thing out.

Phil smiled to the group and they all shared some uncomfortable glances between each other.

Louise squeaked in excitement. "Dan! I almost forgot." Her hand dipped in her bag that was probably like Hermione's bag, you know the one that has more room than it was visible.

She pulled out a pamphlet with some words on it that Dan couldn't figure out.

Louise held it out to Dan like it was the most special thing in the world.

Dan clutched it in his hands and opened it. It turned out that it was the most important thing in the world.

His heart beat started to get quicker and quicker.

"Is this?" Dan shivered from excitement.

"Yes, it is."

The Art Fair.

Dan wanted to scream and everyone looked so fucking excited while Phil looked baffled but he still smiled when he saw Dan smiling.

"Louise?" Dan said in a panicked voice.

"Yeah, dan?"

"Thank you so much."

Dan and Louise exchanged a few fond looks and Dan couldn't help it so, he went to her and hugged the living shit out of her.

Everyone was feeling the good vibe and Dan just wanted to hug Phil for good eight hours if it was possible and then start making art work, because this was important and this needed to be done as soon as possible.

Dan always wanted his art work to be presented at the art fair and this was going to happen. He had less than a month, but that is the only time he needed.

PJ mumbled something about having to go to work and Louise agreed and they all went to stood up while Chris was still stuck in his position on the couch.

Cat dragged him along and they were all saying goodbye's to each other.

Dan was literally beaming with positivity and good vibes, he felt like he was going to explode.

The door was about to be shut when Dan felt hands wrapping around his waist and then a rushed and an insecure voice of Chris Kendall coming from the other side.

"Dan? If Phil is your model then why is he sleeping in your apartment?"

Dan giggled and so did Phil and he turned around to hug him firmly, their chest rising and falling in the same time.

Chris Kendall was a fucking nosy idiot.

At least all of his other friends weren't.

The only thing he needed now was the warm feeling of being embraced by the person who was currently everything to him in this world.

Phil clutched onto him and Dan could hear the clocks striking down minutes and seconds as precious time flew by. But that time wasn't wasted because all the things he needed, he had at hand.

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo what gender should Phil be??
> 
> leave your opinion in the comments!!
> 
> also i am developing plot don't you worry
> 
> i hope i am not chocking you with fluff
> 
> votes and comments would be rad


	7. Welcome to the messy handwritting club

Dan's head was spinning with the repulsive thoughts of reality and his heart was leaping out of his chest as he came to a certain conclusion.

As said before, reality hit him hard.

Phil was standing awkwardly in the corner of Dan's room, their knees bent and their back to the wall. Phil's black hair was on their usually, peaceful face, but now, the strands were hanging ominously over the half of their face.

Dan didn't want to address his issues to Phil even though Phil has asked him to so many times. He also discovered that Phil was one stubborn, little fuck who didn't want to give up on first hand. But after some times, they stayed there, really quiet, waiting for Dan to say something.

Dan didn't say anything to Phil's unfortunate.

The reality was kicking him hard and he was still under the pressure of the world. Dan felt it pressing his lungs and kicking air out of it, the scraping sound on the inside of his brain was getting worse and worse every second.

And then he stood up really quickly with determination.

He glanced at Phil who was looking at him with curiosity, and then Dan proceeded to mumble how he needs to leave the house and then he did leave the apartment, leaving Phil behind to do whatever they want to do.

Maybe that wasn't a smart choice but Dan needed to get out and he never thought that going out would make him feel great but this time he needed it and maybe it would help him.

The apartment was far behind him but he could still see it in the distance. He was far away but not that far away.

As he was passing down the street, he recalled the things that have happened to him in the last short period of time.

He felt super inspired one night, he drew a thing, a character and then that character came to life and his life will probably never be the same because of that. And also he needs to get ready for the art fair which was his dream since he was little. And now it was finally coming true.

Dan couldn't decipher whether Phil being here made things better or worse and now as he was staring at his own reflection on the glass mirror of a fancy ass shop that sold perfumes and perfumes only, he came to the realization that whatever happens, he needs to take care of him.

Once again, reality hit Dan hard and he started to think about birth certificates, IDs, legal stuff that proved that you are a person and not just a drawing that somehow came to life.

How the hell do you even get a birth certificate when the person is grown up and was well, non-existent until few days ago?

His head was pounding and he rubbed his eyes, his body still turned towards the shop. Dan opened his eyes and saw all the people in the shop looking at him like he was some psycho. He quickly turned on his heels and walked away before those people gave him a small panic attack.

Dan paced down the street as his head was still a big balloon of pain and constant worrying.

How will Phil find a job if he doesn't have a birth certificate? How will Phil go to a hospital if doesn't have insurance or an ID?

How will Phil live like any other human being if he doesn't have proper documents?

The Temple Church was right in front of him and he didn't dare to take his eyes off of it. Dan really admired gothic churches and literally anything that was older than him. It had history, it had meaning, it had origin and people knew a lot about them, if not everything.

He looked at the church and realized that this church and all the churches in the world couldn't compare to Phil.

Phil was an enigma and Dan could try his fucking best to discover more about them but he couldn't because there was a big veil that shielded Phil from everything and anything.

Phil was also vulnerable.

How? You may ask.

The answer is that a person that is not shielded with any documentation whatsoever can get fucked over easily.

There was literally nothing Phil could do and Dan needed to be the one who was going to help him.

He was going to help him get on his feet or help him found his way home (wherever home is for Phil).

The Temple Church was standing tall as always and Dan slouched on a bench while looking around to see if someone is disturbed by his entrance.His mind started to calm itself down and he even found himself enjoying the silence until it was broken by someone who sat down to him.

"Hello, young man." The priest said to Dan while looking at him with a sympathetic smile that made Dan want to throw up. It looked so fake and he wondered how many times this priest has made that smile towards other people.

In most of the cases, Dan would go away and never speak to this person again but now he was lazy and the laziness got the better of him, so he didn't move.

"Hello. " Dan replied after a few seconds.

The priest whistled some happy tune and looked at Dan.

"So what are you doing here? Have you ever been to London? Is this the first time you are seeing this church?" The priest once again dropped that fake smile on Dan and Dan frowned before he concocted a normal response in his head.

"No, I live here in London, I just like to... well, uh, come here sometimes."

Dan lied about the second part of the sentence and the priest gave him a questioning look. He probably knew that Dan didn't frequently come here but he was willing to let it slide.

"So..." The priest trailed off. "Do you want to pray or talk about something?"

Dan knitted his eyebrows. How the hell do you say to a priest that you are not religious? Dan cracked his knuckles and stared a little bit awkwardly at this young priest that was expecting an answer.

"I am not exactly religious." Dan admitted quietly through gritted teeth. He wanted to make himself quieter than he already was but it wasn't working out.

The priest clicked his tongue and stared at the statue opposite of them that was probably a work of art of some artist that was unknown to Dan.

As the priest thought about what he was going to say to Dan, the atheistic boy, Dan looked at the statue more until the thoughts unraveled in his head. He figured out that he always wanted to know everything about every work of art there is. But that was impossible and that made Dan particularly sad.

He wanted to know everything. He wanted to know why every brush stroke was taken and he wanted to know what influenced the artist to do that specific piece of art.

But yeah, there was no way to do it.

"I doesn't matter that you are not religious." The priest answered and Dan smiled. "God will find his way to your heart." Dan frowned at that.

"I hope you are not one of those people." The priest trailed off again and Dan looked at him in confusion. What people?

Dan stared at him without saying any words in order to show this man that he just simply wasn't following.

"You know..." The priest waved his hand in the air. "The ones that like to put other people down for their faith."

Dan stared at him in disbelief, he felt a bit disrespected because that would literally be the last thing he would do to someone.

No way in hell would Dan even think about putting someone else's faith down just because he doesn't believe in it. It would be as if someone told him to stop loving art because they don't believe in art.

Dan just shook his head, his eyelids lowered and his breathing steady.

"You look concerned. Are you okay?" The priest bumped Dan slightly in the ribs in a catholic way, if you know what that looks like, I am sorry.

Dan raised his head towards the ceiling and his eyes got a little watery. He wasn't intending on lying today.

"I just have this person... that I need to take care of and I am not sure what to do with them." Dan explained as much as he could.

The open space around them was quiet and Dan could almost hear priest's thoughts running a mile in his head. He was literally in a one big concentration box and his facial expressions changed every second, his right foot tapped a calming rhythm that wasn't recognizable to Dan.

"You just need to love them." The priest said simply to which Dan made a mildly disgusted face that was meant to have no emotion at all, but he always failed at that.

Dan didn't want to say anything but the heavenly forces were probably making him speak, because he found himself talking to this priest and pouring his heart out.

"It's just that I feel obligated to know everything when I can't possibly ever find out and I- I can't imagine what it would be like to solve this mystery, you know?" Dan fumbled around with his fingers while the priest stared at him without blinking.

Dan looked at the priest and the priest made a motion which signified that Dan can continue talking.

"I don't know how to describe my worry. It hasn't been long since we..." How the hell was Dan supposed to describe Phil when all the circumstances when meeting another human are totally ordinary and everything that happened to them are totally not. "Since we met and I already feel like I can't let this person go?"

The priest looked at him werily and Dan wondered if it was time for him to talk about Phil with female pronouns.

Dan straightened his back. "Well, you understand what I am saying. I am having a hard time letting her go." The priest evidently relaxed at the mention of female pronouns and that made Dan cringe. "Because if i-if we solve all of her problems than she would be gone. And quite frankly I don't want that. "

Dan sulked back and watched as the branches moved in the distance. "I like waking up to her."

The priest smiled at Dan and positioned his hand on Dan's back which made him super uncomfortable.

"You have to do what's best for your girlfriend."

Dan laughed at what the priest said, not only out of the ridiculousness but from misery too.

"Even though that means that I will never see her again?" Dan whispered as the priest finally removed his actually really large hand from his back.

The priest giggled at Dan's question. "It's not like you are going to lose your girlfriend forever."

But that was where the priest was wrong. He was going to lose Phil forever if he manages to find wherever Phil came from.

Dan knew he was too selfish and he knew that he wasn't intending to do that.

He needed Phil.

-

Dan slammed the door shut and in three seconds he was swiped by another person and his back and butt hit the floor hard when the other person tackled them.

It was Phil, of course, who else would it be? Phil tackled him and now the both of them were lying on the floor, the stuff that Dan bought discarded on the floor and Phil laughing in the crook of Dan's neck.

Dan of course, once again, couldn't help but smile too.

"What are you doing? You scared the shit out of me." Dan stated while he slightly pushed Phil off of himself.

Phil moved away slightly and slowly until they were on a safe distance from Dan and Phil then placed their hands on their knees while watching Dan intently.

"You were gone." Phil said rather sadly and Dan smiled a sad smile just to comfort Phil who looked like a sad puppy.

"I was gone." Dan confirmed Phil's words without elaborating.

Phil shook his head like they were disappointed.

"I felt something strange..." Phil said almost inaudibly with his head hung.

Dan came closer to them and took a hold of their hand.

"I felt something in the pit of my stomach and it didn't stop until you showed up." Phil elaborated more so that Dan could understand what they were saying.

Dan closed his eyes and inhaled. Why did all of this feel so hard?

He opened them and Phil's face was a faint shadow of the sadness that they felt before. Dan touched the side of Phil's face and Phil leaned into the touch.

"I think the feeling that you felt was fear. I don't think that it could be anything else." Phil made a confused face and looked at Dan for a better explanation. Dan didn't feel like describing fear was something he was good at, but he couldn't help but feel sad when he saw that innocent and confused expression on Phil's face. "People feel fear when they are experiencing unpleasant emotion caused by the threat of danger, pain, or harm. " Dan almost dictated the words that he had the unfortunate of memorizing when he first found it in the dictionary.

Sometimes he just liked to check meanings of certain words even though he was known to the meaning of the word.

"What did I feel then?" Phil wondered, his eyes scanning around as they tried to avoid Dan's intent stare.

"I- well you weren't experiencing threats like pain or any harm whatsoever or danger-" Dan stopped midsentence because he didn't know what caused Phil's fright. "You were just scared."

Phil looked even more confused than he was before, they then looked at the stuff that Dan bought at the way home.

"What's that?" Phil asked as their fingers ran along the items.

Dan picked up the stuff that he bought and opened them in front of Phil's face. Dan's motion made Phil's face scrunch up in confusion.

"It's a notebook." Dan raised it to Phil's face and Phil still didn't make any reaction other than confusion. "You write shit in it and well I have no idea if you can write." Dan admitted and Phil rolled their eyes, which was a totally unexpected reaction. "I bought a black one, because you know, aesthetic reasons and a pink one because once again, aesthetic reasons."

Dan thought back to when he entered the shop and the lady behind the counter gave him a small, warm smile. He then strolled to the desk and she of course, had to ask the question that everybody saw coming.

"Are these for your kids?"

Dan wasn't even intending to be impolite so he just nodded and left the shop.

His kids, yeah totally. He was firstly, too young to have kids and second of all, why would he even have kids?

Phil inspected them from every corner and then they stood up and went to find something with which they could write with.

Phil was back with brushes (seriously, brushes Phil, what the fuck) and fortunately, pens who they then placed at the floor next to the aesthetically pleasing notebooks.

Phil slouched down and Dan crawled over to where Phil was sitting, now.

Phil wanted to take a brush but Dan just shook his head in a negative motion and raised a pen to his face which Phil simply snatched out of his hand.

Phil opened up the black notebook and observed the first page. Dan watched him keenly as he waited for some action from Phil.

Phil unscrewed the cap of the pen and pressed the tip of the pen to the paper, his hand working in swift motion and Dan peaked over his shoulder to see what was written.

Phil moved away from the notebook and then placed the pen on the ground.

Dan moved more closely to see what Phil wrote.

The handwriting was messy and it was hard to decipher what was written.

After a few seconds of observing the sentence, he managed to read it.

"I am Phil Lester and I exist."

Dan sat back on his bottom and looked at Phil for further explanation.

Phil looked like he wasn't in the mood to elaborate his words.

"And?" Phil smiled slyly at Dan who moved so he can look straightly at Phil's face. "What do you think?"

Dan smirked at Phil and Phil knitted his eyebrows.

"You have a messy handwriting." Dan observed what was totally obvious which only made Phil pout, but not angrily just in a defiance mode.

Phil looked around them and pointed at the drawing that was hung on the opposite wall of the room they were in.

"You are the one to speak. Look at your handwriting." Phil pointed at the scribbled words that Dan wrote as a description of a drawing.

Dan looked at Phil and smiled because that was the only thing he could do and he felt something in the pit of his stomach, something that he didn't feel in a long time and it felt so unfamiliar but he waited for it with open arms.

Happiness.

Oh, how long hasn't Dan seen it...

Dan thought that it would be the best if he said something because Phil looked somehow expectant.

"Well, then." Dan looked up to the ceiling and lowered his gaze to Phil.

"Welcome to the messy handwriting club."

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys did this give you some feels i hope it did.
> 
> what do you guys think about this fic. i am really exicted to write this.
> 
> the ending will have such a plot twist you won't see it coming i stg
> 
> i love ya all
> 
> votes and comments are the radest shit ever


	8. There was blood everywhere

Write me a love letter, I'll write you an apology."

-

His heart stopped and the clocks ticked away. Every moment was bound to burst into space and never come back. The thought of everything going to shit was amazing. Can you just imagine if everything just stopped and never went on? Nothing... Just absolutely nothing.

This exact moment felt like it but the moments continued to roll on and the clocks didn't actually stop, they ticked on and on and on until Dan figured out that he just actually zoned off after receiving a phone call from no one else but his wonderful family.

Fucking hell.

Phil was peaking at him from behind the counter and it was obvious that they were worried but there wasn't really anything they could do about it, was there?

So Phil was still behind there, holding a cold glass of water in their right hand as they stared at what looked like a seriously startled Dan and what Phil could see and understand was what the truth was. Dan had nothing to hide and he never even intended on hiding things and horrible situations from Phil. So, he quickly gathered himself into something that was looking like a normal human being even though he was far from it.

"Phil?" Dan swallowed hard and swiftly moved towards the kitchen where Phil was pretending to drink that same water from that stupid glass for like a half an hour by now.

He cracked his knuckles and Phil squirmed because of the awful sound and Dan saw the uncomfortable face Phil made and he just put cracking knuckles under his "Never do" list.

"Listen, ah. There's been some incident that happened and I have to go to another town." Dan spit out before his tongue got too tangled. This was too hard for him to say and all of this could have been avoided if this didn't happen.

And what happen was that his family gave him a fucking call.

Great right?

No, not at all.

They only call when something horrible happens and something horrible did happen.

"My grandma is in hospital and I have to go, do you understand, Phil?" Dan said as Phil looked hopeless as always when things started to spiral out of control.

Phil left the glass in the kitchen sink, their face serious and their eyebrows knitted together.

"I am coming with you." Phil declared seriously, their face abnormally neutral.

Dan looked at them under askance. What was this? How the hell will Phil figure out their way in the world? Dan wasn't ready but it seemed like Phil totally was. But then again, Dan couldn't leave Phil alone in his apartment for a few days or weeks or however long he will be there.

"Why do you want to come?" Dan questioned, his face taking in all the seriousness that Phil's face had going.

"I-I, I am afraid to be alone." Phil muttered out the response, their mouth forming a straight line after saying that sentence.

Dan looked around the room and tried to think about the situation that was unraveling in front of him and the things that were causing him problems.

Fuck.

"Okay." Dan confirmed to himself more than he did to Phil. Even though, this was something that Dan has approved to Phil and Phil was good to go with him, they didn't smile.

Not once, no small smile, nothing.

Phil picked up his blanket and waited for Dan to say something.

Dan quirked his eyebrow at Phil's ready to go state.

"What are you doing?" Dan waved his hands in front of Phil's face.

Phil dropped the blanket on the couch with a shit eating grin on their face. "I am ready to go."

Dan looked up to the ceiling, muttering profanities to himself as he watched Phil making an angry face.

It was weird to cooperate for the both of them because Dan often forgot that Phil was not an actual person. Well, they were now but they were born when they came out of the drawing and that made them somehow not real.

"You are ready to go?" Dan exclaimed while starting to burst into a fit of giggles which totally wasn't appropriate for the situation they were in.

His fucking grandma was in the bloody hospital.

"You don't even have proper clothes on! You are in your fucking pajama."

Dan cocked an eyebrow at Phil while Phil's gaze was cast on their colourful pajama, they didn't get it and Dan was totally helpless.

He didn't know what to do and as the person that was also a curse and a blessing stood there, he managed to think of what he will do when he actually gets to his family.

Because the inevitability of meeting his family was high and he knew that at some point when he gets to Leeds, he'll be forced to talk to some of them. Dan just hoped it wasn't going to be his creepy cousin.

Dan wished this didn't happen, he hoped that nothing bad would happen, especially now because Phil was with him and the only thing Dan wants to do with Phil was too lay on the floor and watch him scribble random words that look very messy but are still there, imprinted.

Dan looked outside to see the weather changing which was a fucking miracle, here in London. It was sunny and he could hear wind going through the red brick buildings and just passing its way through as it goes.

It would be nice to be something eternal but passing and invisible as the wind.

Dan went back to his bedroom to see it in what he liked to call, an absolute mess, even though it wasn't that bad it could always be worse, his bed wasn't made and a few pencils were on the floor.

He reluctantly picked it up and settled it on the small night table by his bed.

His little closet didn't have many clothes but he saw what he needed and in a few seconds he was picking out a pastel coloured shirt and some ordinary, black pants. Phil trudged behind him and their chin was on Dan's shoulder now so they could peak over Dan's shoulder so they could see what Dan was doing.

If it was someone else that put their chin on Dan's shoulder, he would be disgusted and grossed out and would probably push that person away, but this was Phil and they were different. They were all kinds of good different.

Phil's chin was making a dent in Dan's shoulder and the pain started to appear as Dan didn't have the heart to tell them to move their chin. So, Phil's chin was stuck to Dan's shoulder and they weren't moving, they were just breathing lightly against Dan's neck and Dan wanted to squirm but that might offend Phil, so he stood still.

Phil moved slightly away and Dan took that as a cue for him to turn around and shove them their new clothes in their hands.

Phil looked at it like it was the biggest wonder of the world. "What should I do with it?" Phil almost whispered as they examined the things in their hands.

Dan coughed and smiled his well known, sad smile that he's been wearing for years now. "Well, there's this thing in society where if you go somewhere important or out in general, you put special clothes on and pretend to be a normal person or in my case, a responsible adult." Dan wiggled his eyebrows at Phil and Phil broke into a huge grin that stood plastered over their face as Dan helped them take their clothes off and put them on. It was still there as they trudged down the hall and down the streets and as they went on a long ride to nowhere else then fucking Leeds.

-

Phil was kind of drooling on Dan when the bus stopped at the bus station in Leeds. Dan started to roughly shake Phil so that they wake up but it was like shaking a dead body, expect this dead body moaned a bit when Dan shook his arm.

"Oh, come on." Dan hissed at the Sleeping Beauty. "Come, fucking on. We have to go."

The driver was standing by his side and he didn't look very friendly.

The driver fake coughed as he looked around to mimic to Dan that the whole bus was empty except from them.

Dan was mad too; of course he is, because all of this is just creating more anxiety than what a usual day has to offer usually.

Phil blinked like this was the first time they've seen the light and the driver huffed because Dan couldn't help but smile at his success. The driver probably thought that they were boyfriends and Dan didn't mind that.

What he did mind was when his whole fucking family was waiting outside the bus station and he was standing hand in hand with Phil.

Phil couldn't possibly know that Dan's whole family is staring at them like they just saw Jesus saying how he's a communist. Well, this staring contest was broken by one of the little nephews that ran up to Dan and hugged his legs really tight. He didn't let go of Phil's hand and Dan could feel Phil's hand sweating as they probably realized that whatever was happening was not comfortable.

The little kids detached themselves from him and were now running circles around the two of them as the entire family started to chit chat and gossip amongst each other.

Fuck those kinds of families.

Dan let go off of Phil's hands and he approached the only person he actually liked, "hey, which hospital is she at?"

His brother looked at him a little disbelievingly, but restrained himself from commenting or being nosy.

"Hey brother, what's up, how you've been? Nothing, Dan, really?" his brother joked a little even though he knew that Dan wasn't the type of person who liked to equivocate.

His brother sent a sad smile to both Dan and Phil as he just sighed and stated, "St. James's University Hospital. Do you know how to get there?" Dan was already pulling Phil to the taxi as his brother shot worried glances at the both of them.

Dan yelled after his brother, "Beckett Street, right?"

To which his brother just nodded and the rest of his family looked angry and slightly pissed off.

What did they think that this will be a nice family reunion and they would chit chat about life and the fucking government? Dan didn't fucking think so.

Phil smirked to themselves as his glance was cast to his knees and Dan couldn't decipher for the love of god why they were smirking to themselves.

Dan took off his leather jacket and put it around Phil's shoulder because it seemed like Phil was shaking a bit (Phil wasn't wearing a jacket because Dan didn't really have another jacket), and so Phil's arms were comfortably in Dan's jacket and the serious expression that Dan had on his face was gone. It was totally visible that Phil calmed him down and just the small things they did was enough for him to stay careful and take care of Phil.

-

The red brick building was standing there, looking a bit threatening. Dan didn't want to see his grandma looking weak or unhealthy in any way.

He guessed that there was no choice after all.

He and Phil passed the sign with a weird drawing of a shell on it that says that this building is the St. James Hospital.

As they approached it a bit closer, Dan took a sharp inhale to which Phil spun around, their hands still in each other's.

"Are you okay?" Phil asked like Dan was the one who needed to be cared about and not the other way around.

"Better question, are you okay? This is your first time out and I am kind of worried about you. I didn't plan on your first time out of the apartment being this far away from home or being this long, if you get me?" Dan sighed sadly.

"There are a lot of sounds and things and people but all in all I think I am okay." Phil squeezed Dan's hand in assurance.

Dan felt Phil's grip on his hand and he could feel himself getting evidently more relaxed with seconds, the beautiful smooth hand that had no scars or anything that someone could collect throughout their life and Phil had none. They were too smooth and Dan felt this weird sensation that vibrated through his body as he tried to adjust himself to the surface of Phil's hand. Phil looked around, his pupils blown, absorbing the world in their eyes and learning and learning and learning, more and more. It was wonderful just to look at them and see how much of a clean slate they were. Phil was definitely too pure for this world. Dan had to make sure Phil never got hurt and he had to make sure the world doesn't have much of an effect on Phil.

That was going to be an awfully difficult task.

They were right outside the hospital and Dan took a sharp breath as he pulled Phil closer to himself, he tried to hold his shit together but it was easily visible that he was fucking falling apart. Anyone could see that. Phil saw it too, but Phil didn't comment, they just wrapped a hand around Dan's back and lead him to the front door of the hospital where the nurses were smoking, eating and talking and taking a break from the illness, death and misery.

Dan's frantic breathing was making Phil concerned and they didn't know how to calm him down, so they gripped the back of his shirt tighter and they were just in a mess where they were concerned about each other and none of them knew what to do.

Dan approached a nurse and she shot him a bored, tired look which immediately made Dan think if it's even better to ask anything, he looked back to Phil who was looking at one old lady who was coughing really badly and they looked really petrified. Dan swallowed harder and griped himself to ask what he needed to ask.

"Howell-"Dan was cut off by the nurse shutting him up.

"Room 23, down the hall and then to the left." She glanced one more time at them and proceeded to read some charts as Dan confusedly walked away from her.

He grabbed Phil's hand on the way and Phil clutched lightly on Dan's leather jacket as they both walked a little shakily towards Dan's grandma's room.

"Are you okay?" Dan asked worriedly, his face flashing with worry and a bit of sadness.

Phil swallowed almost audibly, but maybe Dan thought it was audible because they were practically attached to his body, clinging on it like their life was depending on it.

Dan didn't mind, though.

There probably won't ever be a time when he will mind.

Room 23 was right in front of them and Dan's breathing was steady but his heart was practically leaping out of his chest, he couldn't remember the last time he felt like this and he sure damn hoped that he won't feel this disturbed and upset any time soon.

Phil, on Dan's surprise walked in first and waited from him few steps in the room. Dan found some fucking courage and stepped in the hospital room.

It was disgusting.

Everything about that room was disgusting, from the ugly, worn out bed to the walls that were painted over with this sterile, white stupid color that was so goddamn depressing.

Could hospitals just make up their fucking minds and paint any wall a different color other than fucking white. It made no sense to paint your hospital walls white when you get all this dirt and blood sticking up everywhere.

No logic, whatsoever.

To hell with it, Dan would paint any of these walls for free of charge. No kidding, he would actually do that.

His grandma was looking rather peaceful on her bedside and Dan was too afraid to come any closer but Phil was tugging him at his sleeve and he was forced to move.

She was always so vibrant and talkative and happy and seeing her like this broke Dan not only into two pieces but into million pieces that fell to the floor with a loud crash.

Falling apart wasn't one of his priorities today but it seemed like he had no choice.

Dan sat down on the rustled chair next to her bed and Phil left standing. He felt guilty because Phil was just standing there, probably not understanding a thing that's happening right now. They didn't understand misery, death or anything that got Dan stuck in this moment.

Phil just couldn't understand it completely, but it looked like they had compassion because their face wore a sad image and Dan felt even sadder while looking at Phil.

Dan reached his hand towards Phil and Phil didn't get the motion but soon after he saw that Dan wasn't speaking but holding his hand out so Phil could hold his hand too.

Sometimes having a hand to hold is more than enough.

And holding Phil's hand felt like home.

Dan was holding Phil's hand and Dan couldn't help but feel uncomfortable because Phil was standing and there were no more chairs in the room and he wasn't really keen on getting up so he just lead Phil a bit in front of himself.

"C'mon, sit down. You are going to get tired." Dan half whispered to Phil who looked at him confused.

"On you, on your lap?" Phil tried to sort out his confused thoughts.

Dan just nodded, his mind and soul too tired to function.

Phil awkwardly sat on Dan and Dan wrapped his arms around Phil's middle so that they don't fall or fall over in any way.

Dan could feel Phil tensing up because it was well known that sitting in someone's lap ain't that comfortable as people make it out to be.

Phil relaxed after some while and Dan could feel Phil's hands tangling in his hair, slowly going through his curly strands and as Phil's hands made some circular movements with his fingers, Dan felt himself exhaling in exhaustion.

This situation made him feel exhausted, that was the truth – seeing his family and seeing them whispering among each other was enough to push him over the edge. Luckily, he had Phil by his side that was nothing more, nothing less but like a soothing cushion for him.

It was stupid to compare a living, breathing human to a cushion but Phil was really soft and there was no denying that.

Dan's grandma shifted in her sleep and the both of them almost jumped at the movement.

They looked at her in great expectations but she wasn't moving anymore, she was just softly breathing in and exhaling air as she slept.

"Dan?" Phil turned his head to Dan who was merely inches away from him. If someone entered the room and saw the two of them sitting on each other would most definitely think that they were boyfriends, but the both of them felt that something that connected them deeper than just what some people might call a "crush".

"Yeah?" Dan answered simply, his gaze focused on Phil's blue eyes.

"I am afraid." Phil stated shortly, their mouth forming a thin line and then his tongue went over their teeth. Their nervous actions were making Dan nervous too but he needed to be calm for the both of them.

"What are you afraid of?" Dan asked, his eyelids fluttering because of the exhaustion, his sleepy mood needed to be postponed when something important like this was happening.

"All these sharp things around me remind of a dream I had." Phil shook their head like they wanted to forget it all. "I felt like dying even though I am not fully- fully, completely in it, like, I can't explain. I think I was dying, because there was this hot thing pouring all over my face and I knew it was blood but it didn't hurt, it was just horrible to feel it coming out, there was white everywhere and if I knew how to describe shock I would explain it like that." Phil exhaled, his breath coming out in short exhales. "I don't know anymore."  
Dan thought about it all and the more he thought about it, one question was constantly coming to his mind and he tried to brush it off but it was already at the tip of his tongue and then he said it.

"Did you want to die?"

Dan asked and he retaliated to himself as he watched Phil's facial expression that changed rapidly as he processed the question.

"Why would I want to die?" Phil answered simply and Dan's heart burst and expanded as he watched the person that meant everything to him.

Oh, feelings, those tricky, tricky things that don't let you breathe.

And back to the question that Phil asked but will never get an answer to.

Why do people always ask why people killed themselves? That is always the first thing you will hear as a question when someone ends their life. But why, you may ask yourself.

The truth is that we are all searching for reasons to live and by asking those who may know the reason why someone ended it; we maybe solve the mystery that is blocking our way to happiness.

We are all searching reasons for living.

And Dan was holding his reason in his arms.

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wuuuuu this was a sappy chapter, i am satasfied i love fluff. votes and comments would be hella rad!!! tell me your opinions!!!


	9. Places where reality is a bit altered

"Hold this", Dan reached out to Phil and their fingers brushed against each other's. The canvas was empty and they needed to fill it with what Dan thought was worth of making an art piece.

His inspiration was standing right next to him and they were looking at him with admiration. Dan couldn't help but feel a little bit uncomfortable as Phil stared at him with no sense of awkwardness. Dan felt a blush creeping on his cheeks and he tried to hide it with his hand that was not so casually on his cheek. He didn't actually need to do that because Phil probably had no idea why Dan was blushing.

Phil didn't know a lot of things and it was a lot easier for Dan to live his life when no one was judging him or looking at him with some sort of under appreciation as he did stuff in his weird ways.

Dan looked back at Phil who was staring at him, their eyes showing interest in what Dan was doing.

Dan looked away, his lips forming a small smile as he knew that whatever he did, Phil would be watching and wouldn't judge him.

Maybe, one day, Phil will develop the power of judgment and then Dan will be embarrassed to move around freely as he does now.

Dan and Phil came back from the hospital after a long day of driving back to London. Their bodies were torn apart by the stupid bus that had to drive into every hole in the road.

Dan's grandma was okay, or that's what the doctors said.

She didn't look fine. She looked like she was dying and everybody knew that. They all knew that, they just didn't want to say it aloud because then somehow it would hurt more.

Dan was in pain because he never sugarcoated anything and he said what he was feeling to Phil but Phil just wrapped him around in an embrace and even though Dan knew that Phil didn't really understand, it was still nice to have someone there for you.

His grandma was dying and he had to come to terms with that. Everybody dies in the end.

That was a thing that everybody knew, yet nobody anticipated when it happened.

Death happens all the time.

Some people spend their lives being deader than others, so when actual death comes for them, they are more settled then the rest of the people who lived a normal life.

Dan zoned out a few times and every time he did, Phil would nudge him a bit or they would tickle his cheeks with paintbrushes which was, to be completely honest, the best thing that ever happened to Dan.

Another thing that was screaming in his head was the lack of money in his apartment. The art fair was going to provide him with some money if someone buys his stupid artwork but if not; it will still be a good promo for his future work.

Phil was another body in his flat that needed food and water and everything a normal human being needs and that consisted of having more money. Dan wasn't used to having another human beside him in his apartment and the money he had was barely enough for him.

Dan knew that one day Phil had to find a job, but how will they find a job when they don't have a fucking ID or a birth certificate; Dan toggled those thoughts lightly in his head as his eyebrows furrowed in concentration.

Dan was making a new piece for the art fair and so far, he's been pleased with what he's doing. Phil was a source of endless inspiration, everything they did was something out of the ordinary and Dan used that as his source of inspiration.

Dan turned around to see Phil on the bench by the windowsill, their back against the wall and their legs propped up in a weird way as they tried to read a book they randomly took from Dan's shelf.

Phil caught Dan staring and they smiled.

Oh, they smiled so wide it made Dan want to jump out of his skin.

"What is it?" Phil asked, his voice a little groggy as they were, after all, extremely tired from the trip.

Phil managed to survive the trip with a little bit of incidents, and by incidents Dan thought about how every time Phil saw a cat or a dog, they would run with their arms wide open and hugging, even though most of the time, their owners were there, totally weirded out by some tall noodle of a person running into them and hugging their pets.

Dan shook his head and lifted his pencil; he was desperately clutching onto for minutes now, and said, "don't move."

Phil just nodded and moved their head back to the book they were reading with a small smile which disappeared as they concentrated back on the book.

Dan looked at Phil's figure and traced it down on the paper, their body perfectly still as they read some book.

The light that came from the window left barely visible shadows across Phil's face that made them look more beautiful than all the times Dan has looked at them before.

The amount of stillness Phil had in himself was astounding because Dan knew all too well, that he would make a weird move and that the pose he was holding would be broken, but Phil was like a statue, not moving, only their chest lifting and lowering itself as they took short inhales, and their eyes shutting and opening quickly while their pupils moved from the left to the right as they read lines in the book.

Dan finished the first sketch, the lines of Phil's body transferred to the paper, his fingers still brushing across the canvas as he memorized the outlines of Phil's body.

It was really stunning to see Phil on the canvas but it was more stunning to see them in real life, where their body was able to do stuff that no drawing could do.

Phil looked up and the pose was broken, they lowered their head while their eyes scanned the floor. Their actions were too elegant and Dan thought about how Phil was definitely not made for this world.

Phil and Dan were a true contrast. A complete opposite, someone might say. Phil held elegance in his posture while Dan's back were constantly hunched as he walked around. Phil was completely innocent while Dan was polluted with this world. Phil made sharp motions with their hands while Dan fumbled around as everything he held fell apart.

As Dan thought about it more, he realized that just by being around Phil, his contrast was gaining its clearness and he could feel how more pure he was now. Their colours were merging and even though, everybody expected from Phil to learn more about life from Dan but it was actually the other way around.

Dan felt a little bit of hope ignite in his heart. Maybe, life wasn't that bad at all.

Phil was different from all of Dan's drawings, they were more ethereal, their eyes didn't shine and their skin didn't glow, Phil was not from this world. Phil's actions were like blood with life of its own, keeping Dan's feeble heart alive which was beating slow. But when Phil entered any room you could tell, they were a small hope in a big hell.

Phil was now by Dan's side and they were touching the canvas as their hand went along the lines that Dan made more sharply than ever.

Dan looked up to Phil whose eyes were dancing across the canvas.

"It's not finished yet, is it?" Phil wondered, their eyes now staring at Dan's.

Dan removed the canvas and leaned it across the wall.

"Not even close." Dan whispered because the time of the night wasn't suitable for speaking loudly as if it was day time.

"That's good." Phil replied back to which Dan frowned.

"What do you mean?" Dan asked as he crossed his arms, not because he was angry or anything, but because it was his natural state when he stood empty handed.

"Because I don't like it." Phil answered rather bluntly. Dan's face of confusion scrunched up in a new one, this time of slight amusement.

"Why don't you like it?" Dan approached Phil, his hand reaching out to touch their hand.

Phil bit their bottom lip as they tried to compose a good answer.

"It's not because it's bad, it's just because..." Phil trailed off; their eyes glancing towards the windows, and the city lights where everything looked so dazzling. "It's because I look incomplete."

Dan took Phil to the window, sitting them down by the windowsill. "Why do you care so much about looking incomplete?"

Phil looked up, his eyes casting guiltily glances. "I don't like it because I feel stupid." Phil replied in the shortest amount of time they mustered.

"It's just a drawing, Phil." Dan felt sorry for Phil because he knew too well that this opinion came from that cube shaped thing called TV.

And Phil probably watched something that made him feel stupid. Dan considered throwing that TV out of his apartment, or maybe it would be better if he sold it. The fucking media influenced Phil's innocent mind and now Dan had to work really hard on fixing that.

You know what; fuck the media and the sun.

Both are such horrible things.

"i was just a drawing too before." Phil's eyes watered, but no tears fell.

Dan didn't want to reply to that statement so he concentrated on answering what Phil said before.

"Being incomplete is not a bad thing, Phil. It just means you have more space to fill with good, positive stuff." Dan replied honestly, their hands detaching from each other's, as they stared out of the window and into the night.

Dan could see Phil smile from the corner of his eye and Phil's answer came in short notice.

"You always know what to say."

Dan chuckled lightly because he didn't, he almost never knew what to do or how to think or what decision to make.

He was the one who was more incomplete than anyone in this room.

But it didn't matter, not at this moment, when they were sitting by the windowsill when the sun didn't come up just a few more hours, where Dan couldn't see the lighthouse where the lights didn't work anymore and where they could see trails by the highway just out of earshot of traffic and their apartment at 4 am in the morning.

Not in the places were reality was just a bit altered.

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the short chapter but i am really not inspired lately and also i am finishing my first fic which will be over in just one more chapter and i am scared of writting it. in may it's gonna be a year since i started writting it and wow it's been so long fuck
> 
> also this fic is really important to me, so if you could vote or comment it would mean the world to me.
> 
> stay fab!


	10. Phil asks what is love and Dan tries not to say baby don't hurt me

"How about you draw something?" Dan quirked his right eyebrow at Phil, who was totally not in the mood to do anything else but eat which what they were doing. Their faces was stuffed with Dan's cereal and for what seemed like the first time, Dan actually let someone eat his stupid cereal. If it was someone else who ate his cereal, he would probably raise hell, but this was Phil and they looked so cute as their voice was muffled because of the food they stuffed themselves with.

It was adorable.

Phil was adorable altogether.

"I don't know if I know how to draw." Phil protested, their eyes showing fear to the unknown action that was totally not as hard as it seemed to Phil.

"It can't kill you if you try." Dan smirked as he reached out towards Phil, his hand holding a pen and a black marker.

Phil stood up, their legs stretching and their body cracking as he did the aforementioned. They unwarily took the pen and the marker, their lips were quivering and their breath was hitched.

Dan didn't see the point of being scared of drawing. Drawing was a calming process where your let your soul pour onto the paper or canvas or anything you are working on.

It doesn't even have to be drawing, it can be music, it can be watering your fucking plants, to hell with it, and it can even be sport.

Not that Dan was ever testing that theory.

Phil stepped closer to Dan who was standing by his new piece which was a piece of something he's never really tried to draw before. It looked like a mixture of some seventies underground comic book style mixed with his own style. It looked weird but Dan liked it and so did Phil.

Dan turned his back on Phil so he could find some new canvases or some papers where Phil could scribble something on.

Dan didn't have any big expectations from Phil but seeing his best friend (if they could be called like that) doing something he loves would be amazing and at the same time a bit petrifying.

What if Phil turns out to be really sucky at art or on the other hand really good? Either way, Dan was going to have to deal with it.

Phil clutched the black marker, their left hand brushing over the paper and their fingertips grazing over like they are tracing the lines they are going to draw.

Dan leaned back against the wall as he watched Phil sweat over a piece of paper. They finally started to sketch from the bottom of the paper and soon enough, Phil was leaning over the paper, looking much occupied with what they were doing. Dan sipped on his hot chocolate as he became more interested in what Phil was drawing.

Phil jerked back and lifted the paper in the air, their eyes scanning over the drawing and then they turned back to the drawing, adding more lines to a figure they created.

Dan shortened the distance between them and now he was above Phil who was sitting like they were frozen as Dan's hand landed on Phil's shoulder.

The drawing was... peculiar.

It wasn't astonishing nor was it grisly.

It was just weird, in a matter of being extremely unconventional.

In a matter of fact, it encompassed Phil as a person.

Phil was weird but that weirdness wasn't creepy and it wasn't something repulsing. In contrary, Dan felt like Phil's weirdness was the thing that dragged him even harder towards this person that didn't even exist since a week ago.

Phil's drawing looked like someone drew a figure but instead of using firm, thick lines they Jackson Pollocked the figure. The whole paper was filled with tiny dots and smudges or just some unclear scribbles that were words that never became words.

"Is something wrong with it?" Phil scrunched up their face in confusion as Dan observed the drawing, his eyes glancing up and down over it as he marveled at the accidental success of a first time drawing.

Dan woke up from his daze and directed his eyes towards Phil who was looking rather nervous and a little bit on the edge. They couldn't really see how Dan's jaw fell to the floor, only metaphorically.

"Everything about this drawing says "excellence", if you understand what i am saying?" Dan replied and the corners of his lips stayed in a smile and Phil smiled for the first time after being so occupied with drawing.

Dan smiled and shook his head.

Phil sighed and whispered, "Okay, what is wrong, now?"

Dan smiled again, because, fucking hell, everything was alright, everything was more than fine.

"It's just that you have your own art style and you haven't even practiced."

Dan's smile faltered and his shoulders became less tensed.

He left the drawing on the table and reminded himself to stop hunching.

"Is that a good thing?" Phil asked curiously, their eyebrows knitting together.

Dan raised his eyebrows in an order to show Phil that that was a stupid question. Phil wasn't really following Dan's facial expressions so Dan decided to voice his state on the matter.

"That's the best thing an artist can have." Dan replied a bit nostalgically, his mind going through all of the years of hard work and self-loathing and hating his work and literally everything he did. He stood there dumb folded as the person who he cared about didn't even know what kind of gift they were born with. But then again, Dan remembered that maybe Phil did draw from whatever realm they came from.

But here, now, it didn't matter.

Dan's mind went back to the shitty times when he couldn't create a proportional face.

The years of just trying to draw like his favorite artists were long gone by now but he could still feel the resentment settling in.

Why was he like this? He shouldn't be thinking like this. Phil didn't do anything wrong, they just know how to draw without working hard.

Fuck it.

"I'm sorry," Dan apologized, his eyes getting a bit teary, "i am just having some setbacks in my memory, and some things are coming back and i need to stop it because i am not that person anymore."

Phil flinched when Dan slouched down on the couch, making a small "poof" sound as he did.

"What's wrong?" Phil repeated again and Dan couldn't help but roll his eyes because his patience was running thin and the fact that Phil could almost draw better than him was a hard hit to his confidence which was very low, by the way.

"I can't really explain." Dan retorted to answering rather bluntly while trying to avoid the real answer which could seriously harm Phil.

Phil was still like a kid and they didn't know a lot of stuff and that made Dan think twice before he said anything in order to shape Phil as a person they deserve to be.

A good, pure person. They deserved that, at least.

Phil sat down next to Dan and they laid their hand on Dan's knee in an attempt to calm him down, but in this case, Dan wasn't feeling good or worthy enough to even be comforted.

This wasn't like one of his episodes where he would experience some short existential crisis and then afterwards he'd be like "oh, wow i didn't see that coming why did that happen?" this crises was something that followed him through his whole life.

He wasn't good at art inthe beginning. He still sometimes thought he wasn't (even though he's wrong).

Phil still tried to calm Dan down by soothing him, going through his hair with their long fingers, brushing the strands off of Dan's face.

Dan caught Phil's hand, their eyes connecting after a long time of Dan avoiding the stares that Phil was persistently providing.

"You can't calm me down; this isn't something that you can solve by brushing my hair out of my face, what the hell at all?" Dan squeezed Phil's hand, his eyes closing for a second so he could create some normal sentences, "who even taught you to do that? To calm people like that?" Dan made a confused face, as the corners of his lips twitched in a smile.

Phil stood up, turning their back to Dan and then turning back again, this time with some pencils and watercolor in their hands. "I saw people petting their dogs on TV. The situation looked similar."

Dan raised his eyebrows in surprise while trying to suppress a fit of giggles escaping his mouth.

"So now i am a dog, ha?" Dan smiled and Phil just shrugged while pouting.

In Dan's opinion dogs were cute and if Phil thought Dan was cute than he was totally okay with it. But then again, Phil didn't understand a lot of things so what Phil probably thought were that Dan just looked a bit like the dog in a matter of looking like he needs petting or comforting. Dan put too much thought into it.

"You are a struggled artist, Dan." Phil answered strictly, to which Dan raised his right eyebrow, "and you need to get your shit together."

Dan stepped back, surprised. "Watch your language." He couldn't stop himself, so he started to laugh, "What the hell, i even tried to stop myself from swearing and you just cursed out of the nowhere. Where did you even hear that?"

Phil was silent, and Dan nudged him.

"C'mon, tell me."

"Well, the TV-"

Dan stopped Phil, "no need to say more."

Fucking hell, Dan was seriously considering forbidding Phil to watch TV.

Or maybe it would be better if he just threw the TV out of his apartment or even better sold it, but once again, nobody would buy it because it was old as fuck and retro and after all, even though he didn't watch TV, he had some memories connected to it.

He couldn't really get rid of it.

Phil shoved the means for drawing in Dan's hands and he couldn't help but feel confused, "what are we doing?"

Phil pursed their lips, "oh, we are not doing anything. You are just going to draw more."

Dan shrugged, still a tiny bit confused, "okay, that's not a problem but why? Why are you making me?"

Phil shook his head a little bit, "i thought it was obvious." Dan shook his head, "it's obviously not." it was Dan's turn to be the confused one and the one who is missing on something.

"Because you won't say what's bothering you, you can draw it."

Dan took a step back to take Phil in, from their head to their toes.

"What a fucking smart kid you are." Dan smiled widely and the smile stayed on his face as he started to pour out his emotions and insecurities on the canvas.

Phil situated themselves on the couch as they observed every move that Dan did. Dan threw occasional glances at Phil and every time he did, Phil was staring at him, not invasively but softly.

Sometimes Dan could catch Phil and himself acting like an old married couple and that would make him smile, every single time.

The painting was coming to an end and Dan was proud of himself for making something so fast and so well, good?

It wasn't bad at all and this was one of those times when he didn't regret spending paint or his supplies.

Phil stood up and tip toed to where Dan was standing so they could see the painting.

"That is..." Phil trailed off, their hands tracing the lines and the words Dan scribbled on the canvas.

The painting was a mixture of paint spraying, certain figures looking like they are dancing all around the canvas but the middle was left for the two figures, floating freely, in a fetal position, clutched together, in a hug. it looked like the two of them, the figures looked like Dan and Phil and they were, or that was at least what Dan intended it to be.

"It's complex." Phil decided to say.

"Well, i've explained my feelings through a painting, so here you go." Dan was a bit mad because of the lack of Phil's words. It stung a bit when someone didn't praise your work when you worked real hard on it.

Phil inspected the words written all around the dancing figure and they could see numerous nouns like hate, misery and misconception but there were positive things too and then one that stuck out the most was the one written in orange right above the figures that were, in fact, Dan and phil.

And the word was: love.

The word love was written right above without any interruption, the lines firm and solid, without any crack and it was visible that Dan felt extremely confident while writing it.

"What is love?" Phil asked quietly.

Dan turned around and he tried to suppress the words coming out of his mouth but it was over and he said it.

"Baby, don't hurt me."

Phil shook their head, their face showing slight disgust.

"No, seriously, what is love?" Phil asked again this time quieter.

Dan tried to think of a good answer, but he didn't have one.

He stepped closer to Phil who was still staring at the painting and he took Phil's hand in his own.

They shared a glance between each other and Phil just nodded in confirmation.

Dan didn't have the answer that would be suitable enough for Phil. Phil just wouldn't understand him. They need to live it through.

There will be a day when Phil will be experienced enough for Dan to share his state on love and then the words will go like this:

"Love is not pushing someone away; love is not pushing someone against the wall, because that's such a menial thing to do, love is not leaving someone behind and love is not ownership.

Love is sleeping next to someone and brushing the other person's hair with your fingers, love is finding yourself standing closer to the person you love, even if you are not aware of it. Love is painting together and teaching each other things the other doesn't know. Love is the feeling of opia but not in an aggressive way. And love is like chrysalism, because the safe feeling around you and the amniotic tranquility of being indoors during a thunderstorm is similiar to what happens when two souls collide."

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 10th chapter done uff i hope you liked it, i am trying to give them some depth, don't worry this has plot. and the story will go on how i planned.
> 
> votes and comments are appreciated, it makes me really happy when ya all vote and comment  
> love ya guys


	11. Corpses left for birds

Phil was alone, but not in the sense everyone thought, they were just standing in front of the bakery, their nostrils widening as they were extremely hungry and the smell from the bakery was getting to their stomach. Dan had sent them, on a "quest" as he said, that didn't look like a quest at all, because it was just a walk to the bakery, but to Dan it looked like some big deal. Phil was not bothered by walking alone, even though they should be, because they had close to zero experience with the world and how the world works. Dan was seriously wondering how Phil hasn't tripped over something and died but luckily they had Dan to lean onto.

Phil finally got to the front of the line and they were looking at all the choices they could get with the small amount of money Dan has given them.

The world to Phil was truly a peculiar place and they saw just a bit of it, but it seemed really nice.

Dan, of course, disagreed, with saying that Phil just didn't know much.

Dan was right, Phil was wrong. But Phil found out that they liked living in an illusion.

The lady that worked in the bakery smiled maybe too widely for someone who works at the bakery.

"Hello, how can i help you?" the lady said, her smile staying in place as she counted some money that was left from the previous buyer.

"I..." Phil looked back at the bread and cupcakes and all the shit they had in the bakery. "I need to take some brown bread."

Phil opened their mouth really widely, and the girl started giggling.

"Which one?" The lady said, as she turned once back to the shelves.

Phil froze.. Shit, which one? They thought.

Then he recalled something that Dan said as they exited the apartment, something about the bread being warm and soft, and not like rock hard.

"It needs to be soft." Phil said, in a hushed tone so that no one in the bakery could hear them besides the lady.

"Okay." she wiggled her eyebrows and pulled out a bigger brown bread that Phil concluded, was in fact soft and warm.

Dan always told Phil how people are liars and Phil refused to believe that, and even though, this was such a benign example, this girl didn't lie and she could have, but she didn't.

The world wasn't such a bad place after all.

Dan has described something called "flirting" to Phil and they weren't sure if that was ever going to happen to them but if this girl was flirting with Phil, then they were kind of glad.

Phil wasn't going to respond in any way that could be considered flirting because they didn't actually know how to do it and they didn't really want to because the only person they cared about was Dan and he cared about Phil and even though, Phil knew nothing about the world and how it works, as it was said before, they could feel the connection between them and that was all that Phil needed to feel complete.

And there were times when Phil felt like they weren't a part of the world, and the window showed a room full of needles, white walls and fear, Dan would remind them that they weren't alone.

Phil had a bag which contained their, maybe too large piece of bread and some change that was given to them by the lovely lady. They swung the bag, back and forth as they skipped down the street.

It looked like it was going to rain and two men who Phil passed said the exact thing while looking at the sky. Phil was baffled a bit by how some Londoners would comment on the weather and freak out when rain started to fall fall, even though rain was a constant thing in London. Phil was here for a short amount of time and they already knew that rain was like the first thing someone from London hates and is accustomed to.

Phil's mind was somewhere up in the clouds and unlike some other people's minds, it was quite lovely up in there.

They were quite close to their apartment, and Dan has said to Phil that it was their apartment too so Phil didn't hesitate in calling Dan's apartment their own too.

So they did.

They were about to turn to a new street when Phil heard some horrible screaming coming from the alley they just passed.

Phil was terrified because they had a feeling they already heard this before, this horrible screeching somewhere at the back of their head.

But Phil pushed it away and ran back in the alley that was a bit darker than the alley he was just in a second before.

There was a person on the floor and a person right above that person, the person above was punching the person on the floor, and their screams were getting louder as they were getting beaten harder and harder every second.

"Hey! Stop it." Phil screamed rather theatrically, the both of the people turned their faces to Phil, the face of the person who was beating the person below them was red, puffy and angry and the person below was bloody and their face was a mix of tears, snot and blood and it wasn't a pleasant picture, Phil has watched a few action movies by now and even in the movies, it didn't look this gruesome.

All of the good thoughts they had before were burst like a bubble when they saw this.

The person above stood up from their kneeling position and started to move slowly to Phil and Phil didn't know what to do, they felt obligated to stay because the person on the floor would end up with the bully and Phil couldn't leave them here, in some back alley with this person beating the shit out of them.

The bully was approaching real fast and Phil was backed up against the wall. They did that in a state of confusion and fear, thinking that somehow the wall would provide them some safety.

Phil was so wrong and the person was getting closer and closer, their fists clenched and quite close to their body. They moved like they were about to kill their victim and Phil couldn't help but feel like they were that small animal, something like a small kitten and that bully was the oncoming car on a highway.

Phil concluded that they didn't have much chance in going out of this healthy... Or maybe even alive.

The bully was just a meter away and Phil closed their eyes as they awaited pain and suffering.

There were no footsteps to be heard.

There was deafening silence.

Phil started to open their eyes, slowly, inch by inch, until their eyelids finally detached from each other.

Phil was face to face with this person and they just knew that in no way they could go without any harm.

The bully stepped back and Phil exhaled in astonishment and gratitude but it was in vain.

Phil could feel a sharp pain echoing through their body, even though the source of the pain began right on their left cheek. Blood formed inside of Phil's mouth and they started coughing real bad. The pain was so bad, Phil thought about how other humans suffer through this, maybe even every day.

They saw some descriptions of pain on the TV but it was nothing like this.

This was agony and it wasn't pleasant.

Phil could feel their body slipping on the floor, their body giving up on strength as they received more punches in just a matter of few seconds.

Phil didn't even realize that they were screaming, screeching and trying to push away the person beating them.

"This is useless! " Phil thought. What was the point in beating up a person? What's the point of suffering? What's the point in living if this is the life people have to endure?

"What's the point?" Phil thought as blood dripped from their mouth to the floor.

Phil's vision was blurry and they couldn't shut their eyes properly. They wanted to do those things but it felt like if they did , then they would never be able to open them again.

The punches gradually slowed down and Phil's eyelids were seriously threatening to drop. The sound of someone's footsteps came closer to Phil and another pair of shoes could be heard going away, further away from them.

They couldn't really decipher why they though that this beating up was better than being stung by a bunch of needles and that baffled Phil so much. Why were they thinking about trivial things like this?

Phil turned on their back and stared at the sky, which was so beautifully grey. The clouds looked thick and ominous and for some reason and they couldn't figure out why they wished for rain to fall faster. Maybe, Phil just wanted Mother Nature to take care of the blood that to their perception was everywhere.

Phil felt a drop of rain on their hand and the corners of their lips twitched in something that looked like a smile. A crooked smile, it could be said.

Phil saw the sky opening up and closing and the wind picking up and going by, voices screaming and silence echoing.

And then it stopped.

Warm hands wrapped around their middle and Phil's back were no longer on the cold, hard ground. Phil didn't want to open their eyes and they felt like something wrong would happen if they did. Their breathing was ragged and their hands shook so much that it was difficult to do anything with them.

Phil could hear a sweet, soft voice coming to their ears, but they refused to let anything in. It felt so soft and calm to be in such a space of numbness after becoming a punch bag to some intimidator.

"Phil! Wake up!"

"Please, stay!"

One blink of Phil's eyes, their vision still blurry.

"Wake up! You've been out for so long. We've been waiting..."

"Please, stay with me. Don't go!"

Second blink.

Third blink.

And Phil finally opened their eyes.

They opened up their eyes to the only person they could say they cared about in this realm of existence.

Dan hovered above Phil, his hands on their back, supporting them and holding them close, inching Phil's body closer and closer to his chest.

"It's fine, you are with me." Dan whispered soothing words as his lips brushed against Phil's neck and behind their ear.

Phil would consider moving away because they figured out they were quite ticklish, but now, Phil couldn't feel their entire body, nonetheless try to move away a grown person.

The moments of numbness due to the shock were gone and Phil's body was now in the state of burning up. Phil felt their fingers twitching and they extended their arm so they could see their fingers which wasn't the best idea because their fingers looked like something that belonged to a monster in a horror movie.

Phil quickly pulled away their hand, just a bit out of their vision. Dan kneeled right next to them, his hands going beneath Phil's back.

Phil didn't even feel when Dan started to walk away with their body in their arms, Phil's arms hanging and small droplets of blood escaping their hands and falling on the floor.

In some time during the walk, Phil couldn't hear anything and the world looked like it was shutting down.

And then all the lights went out.

-

There was a strange feeling Phil could feel in their entire body and it was almost as if someone beat them up and left them to die.

Oh, oops, that actually happened.

Phil's vision was getting clearer by second and even though their eyes were open, they couldn't see everything clearly.

The room got brighter as moments passed and the walls got whiter and the person above them was smiling, just a little bit, not too much.

"Are you here?" Dan whispered in Phil's ear and Phil's body shivered due to the sensation.

Phil tried to open their mouth, but they could feel how stuck their lips were to each other. They could finally see Dan in all of his pulchritude, and Phil realized that they didn't want to speak, like, at all.

Dan was all they needed and moving or talking wasn't necessary.

They moved their bruised hand and wrapped it around Dan's wrist. Dan looked down at them after staring at the opposite wall. His eyes looked sad, tired and maybe a little hollow. Phil could swear it looked like a long dark hallway. It wasn't scary but it looked sad and empty and Phil couldn't understand the reason to that. To them, Dan had everything they needed and there was no reason to feel sad.

Needless to say, Phil still didn't understand what compassion was and how love worked or what sadness truly felt like.

"Do you want tea?" Dan said louder this time, and Phil resorted to just nodding their head a few times before Dan got the cue.

Dan disappeared behind the counter and Phil counted the weird dots on the ceiling. Their mind started to form some weird thoughts such as: why was Dan so nice to them? Why was Dan even taking care of them? Why was this weird feeling forming in the bottom of Phil's stomach? Phil couldn't explain it, Dan wasn't aware of it and there was no one else to confide in, there was no one else to talk to, because nobody knew them.

Phil felt a little bit isolated from the world and maybe that was the reason why this weird feeling surged in like a disgusting virus. They wanted Dan to throw them into the pits of the worst things that this world has to offer. They wanted to learn on the hard way. They wanted to break down and pick themselves up again after trying so hard.

Phil understood that Dan didn't want to do just that because Phil was so fragile and everything about them rang: "Inexperienced!" but, yet again, Phil wanted to see the world, and most of all Phil wanted the world to know them.

Phil tried to stand up; their body was sat in an upright position. Maybe, it wasn't a smart idea to fully try to operate just yet, the room started to spin as soon as Phil tried to do something totally mundane, like grab a glass of water.

Dan came back from the kitchen and his pupils went a little wide as he saw Phil trying to get up and function like a normal human being.

"No, no, no, you get back where you were." Dan half screamed at Phil, who was startled by the sudden rise of Dan's voice.

Dan was satisfied when he saw Phil laying back again on the couch, his hand stung in all of the rashness and half yelling at Phil and he spilt a little bit of tea on his hand. He could already see red dots forming. All of it was soon forgotten as Dan went to the end of the couch and gave Phil this stupid orange mug that had a badly drawn cow on it.

Dan's hand flew up to Phil's forehead and it stayed there for a few seconds. Initially, it was there to check Phil's temperature but now, Dan just didn't want to move it, out of some peculiar reasons. Phil looked up and they locked their gazes.

"Can you tell me what happened?" Dan asked rather bluntly, his other hand wrapping around and finally interlocking with Phil's hand and their fingers tightened around each other.

"I tried to stop someone from beating someone up. I think I failed." Phil admitted a little bit sadder than he planned. Dan gnawed on his bottom lip as he was ready to hear something more from Phil because it seemed like there was something else that was bothering them.

"I couldn't do anything." Phil teared up and they blinked rapidly, hoping it would make the tears go away; Dan put his hand on the sides of Phil's face to make them know that it's okay to cry. "I tried, but fear, I felt fear and it was stronger than anything another in my entire being and I don't know, how to, I want to get rid of it."

Phil's confession made Dan think. How was he supposed to comfort someone, in this case Phil, because something so ordinary was bothering them? Dan was scared all the time. He was scared to see Phil every day, he was scared of the day they take Phil away, he was scared of a whole lot of things and he, himself didn't know how to cope with it.

"Fear is unfortunately a vital part of everyone's life." Dan confessed, his hands going from Phil's fingers to wrapping around their middle.

"When I was a little boy, I learned to fear anything and everything and that was wrong, that was a wrong thing to do but society and literally everything that surrounds you, will make you feel scared."

Phil listened intently and there was a certain spark in their eyes that said that they were getting the hang of the concept that Dan was barely providing.

Dan couldn't really hold onto one thought for so long, so he decided to end this horrible discussion that he had no idea how to solve.

Phil sat back more comfortably and waited for Dan to stop zoning off.

"All they ever really want is to see you cry, to break you down, to see you eat yourself from inside out, to hear that terrible sound of flesh being ripped from bones, bones snapping loud, and you can't let them get what they want and we have to get what we deserve, otherwise we will be nothing but corpses left for birds."

Phil sighed out loudly and Dan stood up from where he was sitting.

Maybe, after the whole monologue that Dan provided, Phil would walk the world without fear, even when they were alone.

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i lov this fic so much you have no idea. i hope yall are having fun rn with your lives and if not i hope you are going to have fun soon.
> 
> i also hope this fic provides you with some deep things/thoughts because that's what i am going at!!
> 
> votes and comment are my shit, pls!


	12. Falling in love will kill you

It's been quite some time since Phil got themselves into trouble. Dan and Phil were just walking by some random houses that Dan didn't know of, but that didn't stop Phil from asking who lives in there. If this was someone else, Dan would be annoyed.

But this was Phil. This is different.

Phil was fully recovered now and they were walking without any trouble. After some tea being drank and some gazes wrapped around bruises and nursing around that was provided by Dan, Phil was fine. Even more than fine. They were literally glowing. It was so wonderful to see Phil jumping up and down and altogether being fine and dandy.

Healthy Phil meant happy Dan.

They were doing some grocery shopping and their hands were full of bags filled with food and basic stuff that they needed for the house.

The sky looked like it was about to fall apart and rain on them, but the London sky always looked like that. Dan didn't bother to take an umbrella and he just knew that Phil didn't even think about that.

Phil was skipping down the street and Dan felt the first rain drop on his face, it seemed like Phil didn't feel anything and was totally oblivious to the fact that it was going to rain hard and they are going to be soaked wet if they don't hide somewhere.

Phil stopped skipping and looked around cautiously; they pouted and looked up to the sky. Dan nodded automatically and took Phil by their hand. Phil didn't say anything because hand holding wasn't anything out of the ordinary in the Howell - Lester relationship.

Dan knew one house by the church that was in the works of being built again after it's been abandoned for ages. That seemed like a good place to hide when the rain hits.

In a matter of thirty seconds, the both of them were standing in front of the house and Phil quirked their eyebrow at Dan who just smiled mysteriously at no one in particular.

Phil trusted Dan too much, maybe even more than a normal person would, Dan thought about all of those things and he understood why, but Dan didn't even trust himself as much as Phil trusted him.

Dan could be leading Phil to death and Phil wouldn't bat an eyelash at that.

Sometimes, it even looked like Phil didn't care.

It was weird.

Phil was weird, but in a good way.

One day, the two of them will have to have a conversation about trust and naivety and things that are similar to that.

The building was empty and there was no one to be seen. It seemed like any human activity has been in this place hours ago and Dan evidently relaxed. Phil squeezed Dan's hand and Dan pouted a bit but didn't make any comments.

Was Phil actually scared of this place? Who knows? Maybe, Dan should think about Phil's phobias and ask them before they do anything, like taking them into some building in construction.

Dan put all of those thoughts aside and remembered that it didn't matter as long as Phil was with him.

And also, having Phil's hand in his own was pretty relaxing and reassuring.

Phil sat down on the cold floor and the inner mom in Dan suddenly woke up and he made them sit on the floor but with a jacket underneath their ass.

Phil just smiled at that because they knew that Dan was extremely weird but it didn't matter because they were weird too or maybe the two of them were normal and everyone else was just weird.

Dan gnawed on his bottom lip and he could feel Phil's gaze drifting from his face to the ceiling to the hole in the wall that would be a window in the future.

"Why are we here?" Phil chimed in with a question out of nowhere as the silence was way too long for the both of them. Dan looked around and as more as he thought about it, he didn't come to any conclusion to why they were there.

Maybe, Dan just wanted to show Phil an abandoned building and maybe Dan just needed a break from the world.

That wasn't the reason, though. Dan didn't need a break from the world and neither did Phil.

They needed to engage themselves with the world.

They didn't need a break and they weren't in this building to hide themselves from the people.

There was nothing poetic about what they were doing at the moment; they were just hiding from the rain.

That's it, nothing more.

But then again, Dan was always the drama queen and he needed to find something in everything.

Something special.

"Rain." Dan simply put it out to Phil. "It's going to rain and I thought we could wait until the rain stops."

Phil nodded and heard the first raindrops falling on the floor near them, right outside where there would be a terrace in the future.

"So, what are we going to do until it stops raining?" Phil continued, because they sure as hell are not just going to sit here and mop or just stare at the ceiling.

Dan took his phone out and considered scrolling through various websites but that would be totally uninteresting to Phil so he decided to play some music.

"What are you thinking about? Something important?" Phil tried to guess, their questions filling in the silence of the building and the room they were in. Their voice echoed and filled every empty room that will be filled with life one time in the distant future.

Dan looked up at Phil from his laying position; his back was pressed against the cold tiles or whatever that was on the floor.

"I am not actually." Dan admitted, his voice rising a bit. The temperature was lowering and Dan shivered, little bumps in his skin showing up.

Phil didn't seem bothered by the coldness.

"I am just spacing out, I think." Dan added to his previous statement, their gazes locking together and not letting go.

Dan jerked back; he was a little bit uncomfortable here lying on the floor.

"I was actually thinking about you." Dan added, his head coming closer to his right shoulder. His whole body was looking kind of twisted there on the floor and Phil bit their bottom lip in confusion.

"Why?"

"You confuse me all the time." Dan admitted, his eyebrows knitting together.

"How so?" Phil replied, their body turning completely to Dan's. Phil's mind already passed a hundred questions that could be fit able but they understood that they needed to hold their shit together.

"You are a marvelous person and you are something much, much more than I expected and you are on the warpath, a peaceful warpath to build yourself as a person." Dan spat out the things that have bothered his stupid, sometimes really poetic mind. "You amaze me and honestly..." Dan trailed off into something he didn't want to say. The thing that he didn't want to say was the fact that one day Phil would go away and that would be the end of him.

The literal end.

Dan needed to say something else so he opted for the half true.

"I, honestly, use you as my muse, no matter how cliché that is." Dan smiled. "I don't even like that word. Muse. It's weird. Except the band, the band is awesome."

Phil giggled and laid back, their head nestling on Dan's forearm that he used to support his head.

Dan lied.

He was afraid of the moment Phil disappears but Phil was sensitive and he didn't want to make them upset with things that won't happen nowhere soon in the future, or that was what Dan hoped, at least.

There was a new song that came on and Phil didn't recognize it but Dan did and if he was a teenage boy, the blush on his cheeks would increase significantly. And then Phil would ask Dan about the sudden redness in his face but then they would decide to discard the question.

"Did you make all the art pieces for the art fair?" Phil mentioned the thing that has been present in Dan's mind since Louise told him that he got some spot for the fair.

The song finally started with the lyrics.

I'm okay but I went to see the doctor yesterday.

"I made all of them, but there's one canvas left." Dan replied, his head turning directly to Phil's, their faces only inches away.

To tell him how my heart it's going crazy.

"Do you have a plan with that one canvas?" Phil mimicked Dan's tone and Dan couldn't help but smile. This little fucker was imitating his voice. Unbelievable.

It feels like I got hit by a train  
What is happening?

Dan stopped smiling and diverted his gaze to the rough ceiling that will be sanded and polished in the future.

"I thought about something different." Dan leaned his head closer to Phil's. The both of them were now looking at the ceiling. "I thought that maybe you could make your own piece."

He said listen you fool you're falling in love again.

Phil stood up a little, their upper body in an upright position while they leaned on their left hand.

"You want me to make a piece?" Phil made the question sound like a statement even though it was intended to be a question and they emphasisted the middle of the sentence due to the disbelief.

"Yes, that was what I said." Dan sighed deeply while the rain gradually grew bigger. "I don't want to bother you with it, but I think that would be a cool idea, I guess, I mean, only if you want to."

Falling in love, falling in love.  
Falling in love will kill you.

"Oh my, but what do I do?" Phil's worry appeared out of nowhere, their bottom lip trembling due to the sudden expectations and decision that they need to make.

"Do whatever you want to do." Dan answered simply, knowing that he didn't even know what to do with his art pieces.

Dan stood up and Phil followed his lead.

"Look at it this way. You make something and display it on the art fair and maybe someone buys it and you get money for it." dan waved with his hand as if there were actually some invisible canvas in thsi abandoned building.

Money has always been something that motivated Dan to do more and work harder. After all, it was needed to survive.

Phil made a mildly disgusted face and shook their head in disbelief. "And what do you want me to do with that money?"

Dan leaned against the cold wall.

"Well, I don't know. How about anything you want?"

Phil leaned against the same wall and smirked at Dan.

"So I can use it for anything and literally everything I want?" Phil questioned once again.

Dan was already getting suspicious to where Phil was heading with this.

"What do you want to get with that money, if you, of course get it?" Dan was getting very suspicious because it seemed like Phil wasn't going to provide him with an answer.

"You'll see." Phil shied away, their body casting grey shadows over the slightly brighter light that was coming from the windows and holes in the walls.

Dan couldn't even imagine what Phil got around in their head and this time he didn't even want to imagine the thoughts that roam freely in their mind.

It was disturbing sometimes, how Phil came up with all of these ideas and things that would never cross Dan's mind. Sometimes, it seemed like Phil already had some experience in the world but then all of those things would be broken when they would run after a cat or a dog while the owner looked at them like an insane person.

Dan didn't want to think about that time when they were walking down the street and Phil patted a dog and the dog started following them, even though it was on a leash and the owner of the dog was still there, but Phil thought it would be cool if he carried the dog with themselves to their place and to put it simple, Phil didn't really understand what ownership meant.

One time, Phil even thought that for some reason Dan owns them and that disturbed Dan on a high level.

The first time that Phil needed to use the restroom, they peed in the sink which led to Dan teaching them how to pee which was the most embarrassing thing Dan had to do, but it was much easier to do when Phil had no shame and they didn't have and still don't have that part of the shyness incorporated in their brain.

Sometimes, Dan wanted to be like Phil so badly.

But things are the way they are and Dan is just grateful that Phil decided to stay in this realm with him.

Phil saw that Dan zoned off and they shook his arm in order to "wake him up" and show them that the rain has stopped.

Dan snapped back to reality and saw Phil smiling and showing the outside world which was surprisingly sunny even though it rained heavily just minutes ago.

Phil took Dan by the hand and lead him outside by the same path they entered the building. Dan looked around just to see if there was something they could have left behind but all of the things they carried inside were with them.

Dan saw something strange on the floor, something that wasn't there when they stood up and something that wasn't there when they showed up.

One possibly perfectly clean syringe was right where Phil was laying and Phil didn't notice it and neither did Dan.

Dan frowned because he knew what this meant and no way in hell would that let him get distracted from his goal to keep Phil safe and most important, with him.

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOOO BOY I AM FORESHADOWING SHIT LMAO
> 
> also i wanna thank all of you for voting and commenting and being supportive i love you all
> 
> also this song that the two of them are listening is falling in love will kill you by wrongchilde, also do listen to it because it's great, i have a playlist for this fic so if someone wants to know i'll post in the next chapter, maybe??
> 
> votes and comments are the dopest shit ever, pls do that


	13. This setting, this time and this silence

Imagine this.

Imagine a dark pink night, almost purple; imagine warmth all around you, embracing you around your middle as cold hands trace patterns across your body.

Imagine holding someone's hand as the city grows larger in front of your eyes; imagine skipping down the street as laughter echoes throughout the 2 am city buildings that stretch up into the sky.

Imagine being so down to earth that you can hear everything around you that could hurt you, but you don't care because life is so irrelevant when you have support.

Imagine being like Dan and Phil who are walking in the street in 2 am when all the lights should go out but they still flicker just for people like them, just for people who feel like they are at the top of the world.

Imagine running from those machines that sprinkle the floor with water after a whole day of people stepping on the floor, creating a picture that Pollock would be proud of.

Whatever happened now, will stay with them forever. These moments will reflect in the end even though no one knows that, of course, no one knows that.

Dan grabbed Phil's hand, just like he did many times before and the two of them ran in front of the machine that was threatening to get them wet.

They were acting like children and the dude who worked in that machine laughed too hard at the two of them skipping around, soaking their shoes and socks until they felt like they've been flooded.

After the two of them got soaked, they stopped and sat at an empty bench so they could rest before they head home.

You might have asked yourself why were they even outside at this time of the night and why where they skipping around and running and being complete fools. Well, in order to get some inspiration, Phil suggested something that Dan would never do.

Phil suggested going out and having fun.

Dan was of course, okay with it, but the last thing he expected was to see himself and Phil ending up dancing in some trashy club.

For real, they just stumbled inside after they already felt exhausted from walking and then Phil urged Dan to dance with them and Dan had to admit no matter how much fun he actually had, he was still fucking tired.

After all, this much exercise for the two of them was too much, especially when you don't leave the house like ever.

Luckily, they didn't spend money, like they didn't give one pound anywhere.

They somehow managed to stumble across a cool rock bar that Dan never went to because all of his friends weren't entirely overenthusiastic over rock bars.

It was called The Black Heart and it was in Camden, they had some cool stuff inside and rock bands were always playing. Phil and Dan stood out in the crowd with their overly cheery clothes, even Dan chose to wear something less dark but he still, at least had his leather jacket so that fit in perfectly, unlike Phil who looked like they got swallowed by a rainbow.

This bar was tucked away down a side street and it was a cozy place. People were dancing and looking around, seeming like they are haveđing fun and a lot of people checked out Phil in a way that was way too uncomfortable for Dan.

He pulled Phil closer after those things occurred. Why did he do that? No one really knows. Dan felt like Phil needed to be sheltered from all the bad things in the world but maybe he was overreacting and shielding them from the good things too.

Maybe Phil wasn't living their life to the fullest.

Maybe Dan wasn't letting them live their life to the fullest.

Those were the thoughts that cornered Dan by the pool table as Phil didn't give a shit and continued dancing in the middle of the club like no one was around.

Phil truly was something that Dan could never be, something really special, something really out of the ordinary.

Phil looked around and watched Dan from the middle of the dance floor (if it could be called like that). Phil smiled tiredly, from ear to ear, looking all kinds of happy and Dan couldn't help but smile back just like he did every time Phil smiled at him.

A lot of girls and boys and people in general flirted with Phil and they seemed so flustered and uncomfortable at times. Dan was on the other hand standing in the corner and laughing at how goofy Phil looked like when they received compliments.

Phil stuttered something back to all of the people that surrounded them and apologized a few times before literally running back to Dan who had a smile plastered from his ear to ear. It wasn't even a smile, it was a grin that looked a bit unnatural and even Phil knew that Dan was close to exploding into tiny bits and pieces of giggling.

Dan somehow managed to stop himself from doing just that and calmed his entire being. Soon after, they declared that they no longer want to be in this club so the two of them went outside and got on with their little adventure. That led to them running around and once again making a fool of themselves.

The duo decided to go home but in the slowest walk they could muster. So there they were, strolling through the street ultra-slow as almost no one was around, just a few drunken people there and then.

Phil hugged Dan's arm tighter as the two of them held on each other and passed various shady people and bars that were very much emptied. Phil detached themselves a bit from Dan and stared at him with their eyelids almost half closed. They were most definitely super tired but were trying to hold on like children waiting for midnight on New Year's Eve.

"What's up with this city?" Phil whispered into Dan's ear which caused some squirming and looking into each other's eyes as they made a small pause from their walking.

Dan took Phil by the hand, the two of them looking like they were about to propose one another. "What do you mean?"

"This city feels different at this time." Phil looked around, some flags on an official building flapped around as the two of them spoke. "It's just something about this time of the night, I think. We've been here when it was daytime and it felt normal and rushed and well not like this. This, this is weird."

Dan had to think hard just like every time Phil asked him one of those questions that were too hard to brush off or interpret in some easy way and Dan figured out what was the deal.

Probably everyone felt like this once in their life, if they paid attention.

It was also one of those things where places seem unreal, places where reality is a bit altered.

And this was one of those places; this setting, this time and this silence.

Phil waited for an answer and Dan sighed heavily as they smiled, more to himself than to Phil.

"I think the answer to this is that this place right now is the total opposite of what it looks like when it's daytime. And also the silence is very eerie and maybe even scary at moments." Dan paused because Phil's eyebrows knitted together.

"I don't feel scared, I feel different than any of the days I spent here." Phil spat out their thoughts for Dan to pick up and decipher.

Dan looked around and inhaled the fresh, cold air that made their way inside his body that made him shiver.

"These nights give you strength, don't they?" Dan smirked as he made Phil stretch their arms out like they were flying.

Phil smiled just for a second and Dan knew he was right.

Dan approached Phil from the back and stretched their arms once again after they fell down. He leaned in closer and led Phil while they were walking, his mouth close to Phil's ear.

"Can you feel it, Phil?" Dan stepped carefully behind Phil. "Can you feel the freedom? Not in the American way, but in the we are young and we don't care way." Phil nodded merely just an inch.

Dan understood what Phil was feeling because Dan was feeling it too.

"There is certain, distinct feeling you are experiencing right now. This place gives you the feeling of endless beauty and freedom and most of all, the feeling of being invincible and I want to ask you one thing, just one thing only. Phil, may i?"

Phil turned around to face him. "Yes, of course you may ask."

"Never lose this feeling, even in the daytime, because no matter how loud people are, you should stay fearless and invincible."

Phil stepped back and looked at the sky because this night was beautiful but it wouldn't be that beautiful if Dan wasn't with them. They knew that from the start and Phil figured out it was time to speak up due to the prolonged silence, even though this silence was in no way uncomfortable.

It was the most comfortable thing ever.

"This is beautiful." Phil said while their eye twitched a bit as they struggled to form any more words.

Dan took them by the hand once again for how many times already today and spun them around like this wasn't the town square but a school dance.

"There are a lot of things that are beautiful in this world." Dan let go of their hand and continued walking, Phil staying a bit in the back as Dan raised his voice, "you should never forget that."

-

Phil stood in front of the canvas, their eyes scanning over the clean surface, yet not painted with anything.

Dan checked up on them every once in a while, actually hoping that Phil will fall asleep but that seemed like it wasn't happening. Phil insisted on painting the second they came back home even though it was close to four am at this point. Dan was kind of concerned for Phil, especially because painting at four am wasn't healthy for anyone, nonetheless for a person who spent the whole night awake for the first time.

He would circle around every once in a while, barely keeping himself on his feet, because let's be real, Dan couldn't remember the last time he spent the whole night awake and to add to that, he most definitely didn't spend outside dancing and fooling around with Phil.

Their eyes were barely open but it seemed like they were trying to hold onto every ounce of strength they had and Dan felt a little bit bad for not telling Phil to go to sleep.

Seriously, he really needed to work on his mom mode.

"I don't know what I am doing." Phil started laughing after saying that poor statement of misery. Their eyes moved rapidly over the room while trying to find something that could maybe tell them what to paint and draw.

Dan sat on the couch next to the canvas and eyed Phil who tried their best to avoid Dan's gaze.

"How about you draw something tomorrow?" Dan suggested, with a small smile on his face.

That question made Phil shake their head almost violently.

"No, I need to do it now." Phil urged, their hand clutching onto the paint brush.

Dan sighed, somehow a bit irritated with this situation. He wasn't mad; he just didn't want Phil to collapse from tiredness.

"C'mon, you can do that tomorrow and by tomorrow I mean today because it's four am, so tomorrow is actually today and you can sleep a bit and do it in the morning." Dan tried to persuade Phil to listen to him but Phil seemed like a hard nut to crack.

But after a few minutes of persistent convincing it looked like Phil was about to collapse into Dan's hand and fall asleep forever.

Dan led Phil into their room and tucked them in so they could sleep safe and sound. He went back to the living room to clean up a bit and then he went back to bed so he could finally fall asleep.

Phil looked like someone knocked them out and then wrapped them around with a thick blanket. Dan smiled, wrinkles appearing around their eyes as they moved Phil's hair from their face and kissed them on their cheek.

The two of them fell asleep while the branches touched the window, creating a cacophony of sounds that echoed throughout the apartment. The night was pink, purple, new and old, peculiar and visually beautiful to look at.

But the world didn't deserve to look this beautiful.

Not now, sometimes it did, but not now.

Phil looked outside and saw the world changing and the tones of the sky vibrating with new colours as the sun threatened to come out.

They knew what they would draw; they knew what they needed to paint.

Phil threw a glance to Dan who was wrapped around in the blankets that even Phil threw away as they stood up. The idea behind the thing that they are going to draw will be inspired by Dan, as all the things that Phil did were inspired by this special human being.

There was a paint brush by the bedside table and Phil picked it up.

They were on their way out of the bedroom but they decided to return the favour so they went back and kissed Dan on the cheek softly and gently in order not to wake him up.

The night was old and new at the same time and Phil had things to draw and pain to reflect.

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hoooooooooooo boy,
> 
> this only has 2k words, to be more precise, 2327 which is kinda bad
> 
> but i am glad i wrote this i needed something that would inspire phil to draw something good, don't worry guys, next chapter is coming soon
> 
> i mean when i write it llmao
> 
> votes and comments are super rad  
>  thank you for reading i love you all!!!!!!!!!


	14. Rubatosis

Phil was lying on the floor, looking lifeless and Dan's heart came to a halt. In those two seconds of his sheer panic, he managed to stop breathing and stop existing. Phil's body didn't move even when Dan produced a loud shriek that came out unexpectedly out of his mouth.

They were laying on the floor right next to the painted canvas and Dan couldn't match the two with two together. Dan came running to Phil's body only to turn them on their back and see that they were drooling all over themselves, and they weren't dead, oh no, they were quite far away from being dead.

The little fucker was asleep, like really asleep, not even a canon could wake them up right now.

Dan stood up and took a deep breath out of all of the shock that Phil just created unknowingly. The canvas was standing tall and strong right next to Phil's body which was by the way, still on the floor because Dan was too lazy and totally not muscular enough to bring himself to pick up their body of the floor.

Phil painted something during the night and Dan kind of wanted to slap himself because he didn't hear Phil doing anything which bothered the fuck out of him. Dan stepped closer to the canvas to see all the details that Phil's sharp strokes did and Dan had to admit that he was equally as terrified and amazed by how peculiar this painting was. It looked extremely familiar too.

When Phil woke up, Dan had to remind himself to ask them the subject of the painting or the theme or if Phil even had a theme when they did this unbelievably good painting.

For someone who existed for just a month or so, it was weird that they did so well with a lot of things.

Dan was officially ready for the art fair and the two of them are going to be classy when they go and all in all, it's going to be amazing.

Everything's going to be amazing.

And then Dan remembered...

He literally didn't text or call any of his friends in days, weeks even. They were probably worried sick about him...

Or maybe they weren't, maybe they didn't care at all.

He had Phil now and it seemed like Dan neglected everything just because of them.

He didn't even call his family to check how his grandma is doing in the hospital.

Speaking of hospitals and hospital rooms, Dan turned around to face the canvas again.

There were some familiar lines right there and the more Dan looked at it, the more it looked like a hospital, or just a simple hospital room.

There was one thing that Dan could definitely recognize and that was a smudgy syringe right there in the bottom right corner of the canvas, looking threatening than ever. Dan felt anger pooling in his stomach but he tried to contain it as long as possible, just for Phil's sake.

He had to put his feelings aside and remind himself that this is not his drawing and that he had no right to do with it whatever he wished.

If it was his drawing, it would be torn apart ages ago.

Phil still lay on the floor, totally clueless of what was happening inside Dan's head.

There was blood painted on the canvas and there were a few gory things that could be deciphered as something smudgy but Dan knew what it was, he just fucking knew.

The clock stroke down as minutes passed and Dan just sat there on the couch, pondering on his life and what will be of it, his anger coming down as he suddenly heard a small shuffle on the floor which indicated that Phil was waking up.

Phil finally stood up, their legs shaking a bit, their eyes looking like they were crying for centuries and the groggiest expression on their face as they raised their hand to wave at Dan even though they were really close to one another.

Phil looked up and down the canvas, a small smile appearing on their lips as they continued to stare at their creation.

They looked so proud, there was no way in hell that Dan would say something mean now or criticize their work.

Actually, when Dan gave it more thoughts, the painting itself was really miraculous. Phil has managed to depict pain in such a small painting where there isn't even visible how much pain there actually was.

It was truly wonderful just to look at.

Dan really wanted to ask Phil about the theme of the painting but Phil just shuffled away from him and went to the bathroom to wash up and comb their hair and everything they need to do in order not to be as sleepy as they were before.

The weather outside looked somehow similar to the thing that Phil painted. The trees that swung monotonously while the wind picked up a few leaves off the ground and the sky looked so serene and like it were about to crash upon the whole world.

Dan liked rain and rainy days but this day wasn't one of those days. The day looked sad and not nostalgic like it usually does.

Phil came back from the bathroom, their hair still sticking in all directions possible, as they scratched their forehead and yawned so hard that even Dan felt compelled to yawn.

Phil came to the canvas and brushed the surface with the tips of their fingers, probably wondering how amazing it is, or maybe even how they managed to do something like this just last night.

"Sorry." Phil said loudly while breaking the silence that captured the Howell – Lester household in the early morning.

Dan looked back to them and approached closer. "For what?" he said a little bit quieter.

Phil moved back from the canvas, their hands finally leaving the surface of the painting.

"For painting behind your back." They answered truthfully, admitting what they did last night.

Dan just smiled at that, their eyes catching each other's gaze in the middle of the living room they were standing in.

"It's fine." Dan whispered while taking Phil's hand in his own and leading them to the kitchen so that they could eat their damn cereal and start the day. "I did it all the time when I was younger."

Phil furrowed their eyebrows as Dan didn't continue their story.

He understood he needed to explain and clear up that statement of his so he added, "When I was younger, I would literally shove my drawings into my mouth because I didn't want anyone to see what I was drawing."

Dan heard a small chuckle behind his back because yes, to be completely honest it would be funny to see Dan showing a paper filled with sketches in his mouth in order to hide whatever he drew.

They went around for a bit while not paying attention to what each other did, but in reality Phil was watching Dan all the time and Dan watched Phil all the time.

It was some sort of a safe place for them. Maybe, the both of them did that just because they wanted to make sure that no one will disappear when the other one isn't looking.

Dan tried to gather courage to ask Phil about the drawing and it took him about half an hour of walking, looking out of the window and just waiting with his mouth open until he managed to slip out the question out of his mouth.

"What's the theme of the painting?" Dan turned around to see where Phil was standing and all he could find was Phil on the floor, clutching his box of cereal and munching it as they watched their painting over and over.

Phil swallowed the last chunk of cereal they had in their mouth and looked up to see where Dan was.

"I think that mostly, my theme was pain."

There was a thunder striking somewhere in the distance and Dan counted seconds until he saw the flash of light.

"Why pain?"

Dan came to the canvas and sat on the floor next to Phil, his hand dipping into the box of cereals while Phil snickered because they wanted to eat the entire thing.

God dammit, if Phil was passing some teenage phase right now, Dan was going to flip his shit.

The weather outside worsened and their apartment looked like it was soaked in grey and black.

Phil touched the canvas once again, for who knows which time and looked at Dan, their teeth gritting together and then biting on their bottom lip, leaving a little red trail from their teeth as they stopped doing that action.

"I thought you would understand the context of this painting." Phil swallowed bile that was forming in their mouth, their Adam's apple popping as they did.

And Phil was right again, spot on. Dan did understand the context; he just wanted to hear it from Phil.

Phil sighed and stood up, still standing in the same place.

They raised their hands to their chest and left them there for a few seconds until they pointed out some details on the painting without saying anything.

Dan quirked an eyebrow at Phil. Phil just sighed loudly this time, just like an obnoxious teenager.

"It's a hospital room." Phil clarified and Dan's face darkened due to the statement.

Dan already knew and that hospital room only brought discomfort and uneasiness to him.

Phil was the one who quirked an eyebrow at him. Dan looked like he was sick and about to throw up.

He couldn't handle this.

It looked so much like the room where his grandma was lying and it was just too much, but it wasn't just that, it was so much more than that, so much more pain than he could imagine.

Dan clutched his chest in an attempt to breathe normally but it was hard to make air pass his trachea.

Phil leaned on him and touched his hand in an attempt to snap him out of it but Dan was in his bubble of not breathing and connecting to the world.

It was horrible in all kinds of things.

Dan finally managed to breathe in some air and squeeze some words out, "this will be great."

Phil visibly brightened with that statement and questioned, "You really mean?" the both of them shared smiles and glances that weren't negative.

"Yeah, I really mean."

Phil stood up and went away to the kitchen and Dan returned to his state of totally panicking over this painting that he so hoped so would get sold at the art fair because he couldn't look at it without feeling sick.

The painting itself was fucking magnificent. For someone who just made their first real painting, this was really good and Dan couldn't be more proud of Phil.

But the theme of the painting was too painful to look at and Dan had to keep his cool, at least for now, just a little bit.

The phone rang and Dan literally ran to find his phone (something he never did), just so he could have something to do other than sulk in his own misery.

He picked up his phone to see someone who was probably the only person he wanted to hear from.

"Hey Louise." Dan said rather chirpily.

Louise chuckled on the other side of the line and started to talk about the art fair.

Phil was right in the background, smiling because they saw Dan smiling and that was the only thing that mattered.

The windows looked threatening and the rain that started just a while ago left trails on the window that looked like blood dripping down the smooth surface.

Phil shook their head in an attempt to remove that awful image from their head, but now it actually looked like blood was dripping down the window glass. They couldn't handle looking at the windows so they quickly turned around only to face Dan again who took their hand in his own and started to talk about the art fair and how all of his friends are going to be there and how they have to wear something nice, so they'll have to buy some fancy clothes, maybe pain each other's nails or something fun, something artistic.

Phil's heart paced up faster and the rubatosis was in full motion right now but it was okay, it was fine.

All will be fine.

It will be okay.

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is more of a filler chapter, the next chapter will be the art fair so yeah that will be cool i guess lmao
> 
> thank you for the 2k reads that means a bunch!!
> 
> votes and comments are dope
> 
> when you guys comment my life extends for about 10 years lmao


	15. Eerie and forlorn

Kenopsia.

The eerie, forlorn atmosphere of a place that is usually bustling with people but is now abandoned and quiet.

Dan and Phil were standing in the empty gallery after all the people stepped all over the shiny floor and examined and sucked in all the art that was displayed.

So many hours of hard work to be put into few hours of people absorbing and loving it or hating it, but nonetheless, absorbing it.

Dan had a playful smile on his lips and Phil had their hand wrapped tightly around Dan's arm.

They were content, fulfilled and more than anything, happy.

-

It was the morning before the art show. Dan was running around, freaking out, throwing shit in all directions and dodging possible question that came from Phil about the art show or about what will they wear or anything that started with the letter A as art.

Their apartment was a mess. It looked like someone dropped a bomb on all of their stuff, but somehow they managed to circle around those things quite efficiently,

Dan's artwork was leaned on a wall in the hallway and Phil's was right next to the door. Dan wasn't the only one who was freaking the fuck out, Phil was also running around mindlessly due to nervousness.

They knew there was a small chance that someone even considers buying their artwork, but the nervousness was worth it.

"Phil, please stop running around." Dan objected, even though he was doing the same thing.

Phil snorted and calmed down just a bit. "Yeah, sure, like you weren't nervous when you had your first art show."

Dan came back from the hallway and leaned on the counter. "When I had my first art show, I puked all the way to the gallery and half of the time I was in it." Dan wiggled his eyebrows and caused an abruption of small,shy smiles from Phil.

Phil frowned and shouted after Dan as he went back to organize his stuff. "Wait, you puked in the gallery?"

Dan came back and looked at Phil under his eye. "Not in the gallery, but in their bathroom stall. You twat."

Phil smirked at that and stood up to help Dan carry their paintings, all ten of them to the first floor. The canvases were pretty light and easily transported, so it wasn't a fuss to carry all of them to the first floor. Dan huffed and sat on the step in the hallway. "Well, it wouldn't be such a weird thing even if I did puke in the gallery and not their stall."

Phil smirked once more and held out their hand for Dan to take. "That would be such a Dan thing after all."

Dan took their hand and stood up, his tee shirt lifting a bit and his hands straightening it as he did. "Shut up."  
The both of them took off, back to the apartment to dress up properly for a night like this and bickering on their way as they did, just like an old married couple.

-

The artwork contrasted the wall it was on and the colours were maybe even too vibrant for such a blank, lifeless wall.

All of the paintings that the wall had, it seemed like Phil's was the darkest and most morbid one, but the both of them didn't mind.

Phil didn't mind the people at all. It was pretty crowded, the air was hard to inhale and Dan was growing anxious as every second passed. The both of them were leaning on each other, their hands wrapped around and Dan squeezed Phil's hand harder, but not too hard and Phil responded by squeezing back and with that Dan felt a little bit more secure in this room full of people who were there to absorb his and Phil's art.

A lot of people checked them out and Phil blamed it on the "super cool" suits they had, as Phil claimed to call them but Dan had a feeling it was something else.

Some people looked at them like they were angry, some people looked at them like they were sorry and some people smiled at them like they know a secret that Phil and him are holding.

Or maybe Dan was just being paranoid as usual?

Before they left their house, Phil came back from the bathroom with something in their hands to which after some time of squinting and disbelieving Dan recognized to be nail polish.

Phil managed to ace their nail polish (thanks to some tutorials they found online), even though it was the first time they put in on themselves.

Dan wondered when in the hell they bought nail polish and then he remembered Phil sneaking around the makeup department when they were in Tesco and buying it with Dan's money without his knowledge.

Luckily, they bought two, so now, Dan had his nails painted in black and Phil had their in orange.

It was pretty sweet. Dan felt a lot more elegant than before.

And now they were there, rocking out their nail polish in suits and just having fun.

Louise, Chris, PJ and Cat entered the gallery and Dan waved at them from the distance with the biggest smile he could muster.

Dan urged Phil to continue strolling along the gallery and watch other people's artwork.

There were some pretty impressive ones and there were some that had no sense (according to Phil) for example, an empty canvas that represented who knows what.

A lot of people took daily stuff to reflect in their drawings and paintings and Phil seemed to like that very much, soon enough Dan had to remind himself to buy Phil something similar when he gets some money.

Phil stretched somehow awkwardly and they made a stop at some girl's artwork that is in every way normal but there is one that radiates with energy and a message.

The both of them stared at it like they were completely under the spell of the painting.

The painting wasn't even a drawing, it just had some letters over it in black and red, dripping down the canvas, looking like it will pop up out of the piece any second now.

The message it contained was not a poem, it wasn't something a lot of people would pay attention to.

In big, scary letters the canvas held this message:

"Screaming isn't shouting. It isn't the same thing for a reason. Shouting is letting your anger out. Screaming is letting your pain out. There's the difference. Also, the next time you feel like doing the things above, think of the reason. What's the cause behind your anger and pain? Do you feel the need to shout, or to scream?"

The two of them shared a mutual silence that was caused by this painting, a masterpiece put in words.

Phil stood there with their mouth open hanging and Dan managed to snap out of the trance this painting gave him. Apparently, Phil was still under the impression even when Dan nudged them hard, elbowing them in their ribs.

It seemed Dan wasn't getting a reaction from Phil any time soon.

"Wow, holy shit. This is amazing." Dan admitted to absolutely no one as Phil was off the list of who were currently in this realm.

Some girl approached the two of them behind their back and Dan swore to himself not to get so scared when someone stands behind him and Phil. His flinching was off the charts today.

"So, what do you think?" The tall girl asked, her teeth scraping over her bottom lip as she patiently waited for a reaction.

Phil finally woke up from his art stuffed slumber and just whisper shouted "it's beautiful!"

Dan nodded after Phil's sudden statement that absolutely no one expected.

She was still standing there, waiting for Dan's reaction to which he obviously lacked words.

Her hand moved her hair out of her face, those blue eyes of hers that reminded of Phil's way too much searched all over Dan's face for an opinion.

"Any time in this century is fine." She joked and pointed at the canvas.

Dan turned around to see it one more time after examining it for the hundredth time.

"Oh yeah, I am sorry. It's just, wow; I can't believe something would leave such an impact on me. It's really wonderful, I love the message it gives to people, I hope someone buys this."

The girl smiled sadly. "Yeah, I hope someone buys it too. Thanks for not roasting me."  
Dan smiled at that and then he finally realized what she meant by that, but by the time he did, she was already long gone in the crowd, her bright red hair jumping up and down as she skipped and navigated through the crowd.

Phil huffed at her statement in exhaustion and turned to Dan.

"So, this is hers artwork?" Phil managed to speak up over other people's voices that seemed to speak louder as the night crawled closer to an end.

"It seems so." Dan turned around to look if she's somewhere close but it seemed she disappeared in thin air. It didn't matter anyway.

They were still standing by the canvas when Dan pointed at the scribbled words.

"Words to live by." Dan said firmly as he dragged Phil away from the painting.

Phil just nodded and they continued to look at people's artwork.

After some while, Dan felt like someone was creeping behind him and he was in the end right, as he saw his entire group of friends indirectly stalking the two of them. Phil smiled because they also figured that out and they leaned in which made Dan's heart leap with joy and warmth that wrapped his occasionally cold heart.

Dan turned around abruptly and Louise was the first one right behind him and she giggled nervously as everyone else chimed in with smiles and apologetic faces.

"Oh, hi. Dan! Phil!" Louise fumbled around with words, her hands waving in front of her, her face looking excited and awkward like she's been caught doing something she isn't supposed to be doing as she was.

She was not the only one, though. Chris was lurking around, smiling at the canvas, pretending not to exist for a while.

They started chatting up and catching up on all the things that were happening after they saw each other last time. Louise and cat were laughing and pointing everywhere, acting a bit immature but it was okay because this was a night where you can vent before you go to your regular job.

This was great, Dan felt great at the moment, even though he was still uneasy about Chris. He looked at him suspiciously and Dan wondered what that was all about.

Phil was laughing and talking to PJ, all of them congratulated Phil on his piece and Phil looked up to find Dan's eyes but Dan didn't meet them, he just smiled widely.

Chris was still lurking in the background a little bit detached from everyone.

He suddenly smiled way too widely for this time of the day and pushed his way through and grabbed Dan by the arm and asked, "Let's take a walk, shall we?"

Dan raised his eyebrows, touched Phil's hand and Phil just nodded in order to let Dan know that they were okay.

Chris dragged him around until they stopped after some while. They were in a place where there were less people and there were only a few canvases around.

"So, what's up, mate? Long time no see." Chris took a sip of his champagne or wine or whatever beverage they were serving in this gallery. He once again frowned a bit but then he immediately relaxed his face and smiled sweetly but still somehow wickedly.

Dan smirked and looked around like he was in desperate need for someone to save him. Chris was acting weirdly, not just his usual weird but wickedly weird and he was mean looking, something that Chris never was.

"I've been here, preparing for the fair and just you know, working on stuff." Dan blatantly lied, even though there was no reason to do that but Chris was looking terrifying and he had to admit that he wasn't in the most comfortable position right now.

All of the times when Chris and he hanged out were so relaxing and normal and most of all friendly. Now, Chris was standing there, looking threatening as ever, his eyes had bags under them and that was nothing weird because he looked like that all the time but now it just looked terrible and threatening and Dan wanted to make a run for it but he couldn't.

Chris's eyes weren't moving anywhere other than his eyes.

That was very unsettling.

"How's Phil doing?"

With that question Dan took a step back, completely locking himself in defense mode as Chris brought up the only person that mattered the most in the entire universe.

All of his friends were in the back laughing and giggling and here Dan was with one of his best friends, feeling scared for his life or more important for Phil's life.

Chris had a stoic face and he hadn't changed it since he asked that question.

He managed to take his eyes off of Dan's to fumble around with his button on his sweater.

Dan took one more step back and collided with some lady in white. He quickly apologized and she shot him a death glare.

What is up with these people tonight?

"No answer from you today, it seems." Chris smiled sadly and the wickedness disappeared into nothingness where it came from in the first place.

His face looked tired and the bags under his eyes were proving it, but this was a new kind of tired that Dan has never seen before. Chris looked drenched of all life force.

"Are you okay?" Dan came closer and held out his hand for Chris to take but Chris didn't do that.

Chris frowned again but it wasn't the same as before, Dan didn't feel so threatened anymore which was a good thing, so he thought at least.

"I am okay. But if you continue doing this you'll only be hurt in the end." Chris noted clearly to Dan.

Dan finally saw Phil coming up to him and he managed to breathe more properly now that salvation was coming to get him.

Chris was shuffling away but Dan could swear that he heard Chris say very sadly and nostalgically, "there will be nothing of you left in the end. Do it before it hurts even more."

Dan's heart stopped and he could feel something clutching his heart tightly, squeezing and not letting him breathe.

Chris was right, he needed to pay attention to other things than Phil, but how could he when Phil is everything to him in this life?

Phil's long fingers wrapped around his arm and he couldn't help but flinch. Chris seemed to be gone and Dan turned around and put his most convincing smile just to match Phil's.

Phil was holding a piece of paper in their hands and was waving it in front of Dan's face but not slow enough for Dan to see what was written on it.

"Phil, c'mon. Stop messing around I wanna see." Dan tickled Phil to stop this little dance they were doing to snatch the paper from them.

It was a little bit weird to see two people tickling each other in the gallery but they didn't care.

Dan finally managed to scrunch out the paper that Phil managed to fuck up in a few seconds.

Dan couldn't believe it.

It was a fucking check.

Someone bought three of his paintings and Phil's painting was the first thing someone purchased.

His mouth left hanging open and Phil opened their arms for Dan to embrace and he did the aforementioned.

Phil was mumbling something about how they are proud of Dan and Dan did the same to them.

Both of them were hugging each other really tightly and it looked like the world lost itself and they were the only people in this room, in this gallery, in this entire city.

Phil detached themselves from Dan and the two stood there happy with a check in their hands and Phil was already thinking about the thing they'll get when they get this check in cash.

Nothing mattered in this moment.

Doom and chaos. There are certain things around you that you don't want to destroy. There are certain things around you that you want to destroy. But you can't. Because it holds a certain weight. Dammit, you don't even know how much it weights. But you know that your heart is heavy and that's its pounding. For an unknown reason.

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yoo guys, i love all of ya who's reading this, i love you so much,thank you!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> also votes and comments are my shit, pls do tHAT, you bring happiness into my life


	16. Reality is unfortunate in itself

"Stop dragging me, oh my god." Dan whined while his hand felt like it was about to snap. Phil has been the one pulling Dan to his feet and dragging him around the town to find this special place that Phil had in mind in which they will spend some of the money they earned with their awesome, spectacular paintings that got successfully sold at the art fair.

Dan was keeping their money in place for bills and such and things that Phil needed, like more clothes and ordinary stuff that was needed to survive.

Phil on the other hand was maniacally searching for this place that they found on some shady site on the internet that Dan didn't even want to see for himself because he didn't trust that shit. Like, all of that shit scared him. People like to deceive one another and it's even easier to do it when you don't have to look someone in the eye.

Dan was totally okay with them dragging him around the city, even though their feet were burning already after all of the running and searching and failing to find and then going in the same street again that they already passed like a thousand times.

It was obvious that Phil was lost.

They were not to be blamed, though. It's totally logical to get lost in a city as big as this. London is easy to maneuver if you are from London.

Phil looked up and made a quiet squeak.

"I found it!" Phil exclaimed too happily for what Dan saw.

Was Phil thinking rationally? Was this the real thing? What is this? Did Phil make a mistake?

Hammersmith tattoo shop.

What the fuck?

Phil more than happily skipped inside and said hello to a very beautiful young lady with the most impressive tattoos Dan has had the fortune to see. Everyone in the shop greeted Phil like they already know them and Dan was weirded out, like not his usual weirded out but super weirded out, it was crossing the line.

Dan was walking behind Phil, his mouth still ajar, while waiting for Phil to start talking and all in all just telling him what the fuck were they doing here?

It was impossible to keep your eyes in one place because this place was pretty cool, a bunch of artists worked here and Dan loved that.

Nobody that hangs out with him (yes, that small amount of people that do) has a tattoo and now Phil is about to get one.

This is so weird.

Dan did not expect this.

There was a board with rules and Dan had to squint his eyes to read the red letters on a black pamphlet.

1\. No one under the age of 18 years may get a tattoo.

2\. No one under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs may enter the premises at anytime.

3\. We accept cash only.

4\. Strictly no smoking on the premises.

5\. Each client must read and sign a consent form before each tattoo.

6\. We reserve the right to refuse anyone for any reason.

7\. Appointments are recommended but not always necessary.

8\. No loitering on the premises at anytime, it's not a coffee shop.

9\. No persons under age of 18 may enter the shop unsupervised, no persons under 16 may enter the shop at anytime.

Dan sighed deeply when he saw the "no one under the age of 18 years may get a tattoo", but he didn't worry much because Phil looked like an adult (more or less, sometimes). They weren't on drugs or under the influence of alcohol, so that wasn't a problem. Before they left the apartment, Phil grabbed the cash from the desk and Dan could swear that he only grabbed thirty- five pounds and Dan didn't really know if that was enough for a tattoo.

This all sounded sketchy but Phil was excited so Dan was going to go along as long everything is more or less okay.

Phil was talking to the lady who smiled really brightly at them and Dan had to admit that he felt a pang of pain but also happiness at the same time if that was even possible, because that lady will never get to experience Phil Lester like Dan Howell has and that made Dan happy.

Phil made Dan happy.

The only reason why Dan was still here was because of Phil. Everything else was irrelevant.

This part of West London was actually Dan's favorite. He really didn't know why, but just this street they were in now and this room that was painted in a cool shade of red made him really relaxed even though he was still under a little bit of stress due to Phil being a cheeky bastard who refused to tell Dan where they were going until they were there.

Phil signed a contract and the lady was taking them to a divided room where Phil will get their first tattoo.

Their first fucking tattoo, oh my god. It started to settle in. Dan finally figured it out, but he better leave it all up to Phil to explain, he didn't want to be a fucking trampoline and jump to conclusions.

Phil sat on a white sheet that was covering the table on which they will get a tattoo, while the nice lady was taking all kinds of gazes and needles and Dan had to admit that he wasn't a big fan of this.

Phil on the other hand was bubbling from excitement.

Dan took a seat across them and they locked gazes as the lady started to chat with Phil.

"So, honey. Is this your first tattoo?" The lady said with a weird hushed tone that was totally unnecessary. Phil wasn't scared of getting a tattoo because in their entire lifetime nobody ever warned them about tattoos and how much it hurts to even get one. Sure, yeah, you get used to it after a few times but this was probably Phil's first and last time that they will get a tattoo.

Phil just nodded and the lady cleaned some of the instruments she will use to poke Phil's skin in order to make art. Dan shivered a bit but Phil wasn't bothered.

"You two getting a tattoo or just you, Phil?" She asked once more and Dan widened his eyes in fear. No way in hell he would get a tattoo like ever. It wasn't like he was afraid, it was more of the fact that he couldn't decide what to get.

Dan swallowed bile that formed in his throat. "Nope, just Phil."

The lady giggled and Dan took that as a good sign. She was a really cool person, she looked really impressing too, but altogether she gave out this "I am cool" vibe and also "I am chill and positive" which Dan liked quite a lot.

"So what are you getting?" The lady approached Phil with a black sharpie and a tape.

Phil coughed nervously and considered whispering, but to hell with it, to hell with all of it.

"The tree of life", Phil whispered with their cheeks blushed.

Dan didn't really know much about the tree of life, but he reminded himself to check a bit more about the tree of life when they get home.

"Oh, that's quite common." The lady said matter of factly. Her hands rapidly going through her book of previously done tattoos with trees and plants.

Phil stuttered out something more and she looked down at them because she didn't hear them the first time.

"I would like to get lilies and irises instead of just like plain leaves and stuff like that, is that okay?"

The lady's eyes widened at the mention of the flowers, she smiled and shook her head in agreement, but not just agreement but also indicating that she also liked the idea.

"Quite symbolic." The lady finally agreed to previously given facial expressions. "I like it."  
Dan still didn't get the quite symbolic part and he most definitely wanted to know why Phil chose lilies and irises which would be set on a tree of life but still, he didn't want to take his phone and make a small adventure on the internet to find the meaning.

Phil was watching him intensely and there was no way that he would divert his gaze to something irrelevant as his phone.

Phil was important and this tattoo was important to them, so Dan better behave himself.

"Where do you want it?" The lady was already holding the needle in her hands even though, she initially needed to draw with a sharpie but Dan figured out she was just showing off a bit, and that was totally okay, she was cool enough to pull it off.

"Where does it hurt the least?" Phil giggled nervously, their hands clutching onto the white sheet.

The lady laughed and Dan already knew the answer to the question Phil set out.

"Well, on your butt."

Phil made a questioning face and Dan was already starting to think that maybe Phil was thinking about it but then Phil cut off everybody with saying, "Oh, yeah that's not happening."

Dan leaned back in his seat, a little bit relieved even though, let's be real, Dan would support Phil even if they had a tattoo on their ass.

"I was thinking right here." Phil circled the area around their left wrist with their index finger.

"That's going to hurt like a bitch." The lady who Dan figured out was called Mellissa, warned Phil in what they were getting themselves. "But it will be over quick, because it's a small area."

Phil pouted and leaned back onto the table and outstretched their left arm and flipped it on the right side of the arm, so that the tattoo lady (Mellissa) gets a better access.

She took a sharpie and drew a small tree that already looked really cool and Dan was amazed by her talent, she went back to her book and showed a few flowers to Phil and Phil just nodded in affirmation.

She smiled and continued working.

After she was done with the drawing, Phil looked up and nodded once more and she picked up the little machine with the needle and the ink and in that moment the both of them gritted their teeth.

She leaned the needle on their skin and asked, "Ready?"

"Ready." Phil answered shortly.

-

Phil was kind of sweaty and exhausted from all the gritting of their teeth they did, but it was finally over and the small tattoo on their left wrist looked really cool and really fancy and to put it lightly, Phil was fucking loving it.

The tattoo aftercare advice was pretty clear and Mellissa made Phil memorize it.

1\. Remove dressing after 3 hour and wash with soap and water.

2\. Rinse well with warm water and pat dry.

3\. Apply tattoo aftercare cream twice a day until completely healded.

4\. Do not redress.

5\. Do not pick or scratch.

6\. Your tattoo will take 2-3 weeks to heal.

7\. Do not subject your tattoo to direct sunlight or use sun beds until competely healded.

8\. Do not go swimming until completely healed.

Do not listen to your friends just because they have had a tattoo or know this guy that had one and blah, blah, blah. They may think they know it all and they may mean well, but they'll end up doing you more harm than good, have a query? Ask a proffesional!

Phil was most definitely not going to do the things above, they really didn't want to go through the pain all over again.

Dan was fucking tired of all of this, he just wanted to get home and sleep. It was too painful to watch Phil go through this immense pain to get a stupid tattoo that means who knows what.

Dan was already outside, his fingers trembling from the coldness and his nose freezing as he didn't know it would be this cold. Phil was still inside, paying for the pain he received and a masterpiece on their left wrist, but honestly was it worth it?

The door closed behind Dan and Phil stood right next to him, with a huge smile on their face.

"You okay?" Dan half whispered to Phil in the middle of an unusually quiet street.

Phil looked at Dan with a glassy expression on their eyes. "Yeah, I am."

The both of them smiled, took each other by the hand and walked home.

-

"So, will you tell me?" Dan wiggled his eyebrows at Phil and Phil raised an eyebrow, almost forgetting what they promised.

Phil threw themselves on the couch and laid their head on the only soft pillow they had in that room. Dan took a seat next to them and lay back completely, almost letting the couch devour him as he slips into a dream.

But it was no time to sleep and he wanted an explanation.

Phil stood up to sit properly on the couch and pouted in concentration.

"All of this has a meaning. I didn't choose it randomly." Phil raised their left arm to show the tattoo.

Dan nodded and looked for a meaning in Phil's face, but he was getting nothing out of it which was weird, this was the first time Dan was totally oblivious to what Phil wanted to say to him and what this was all about.

Phil went over their gums with their tongue, still concentrating real hard on what to say next.

Dan looked at Phil intently, their black hair draped away on their face, covering their eyes just a bit, not too much and enough for Dan to see the sparkle in them. It was totally irrelevant how Phil looked like in this moment or any moment, the only important thing was how Dan felt like and how Phil felt like and what they felt for each other.

It was true that the both of them would give their lives for each other.

That's what true friends do.

That's what soul mates do.

"I thought about how I came here and how I didn't know anything, like anything at all." Phil cleared their throat, their eyes meeting everything other than Dan's eyes that have been fixed on Phil's since the beginning of this conversation.

Just the mention of the unknown place where Phil came made Dan sick to the stomach. He didn't want Phil to talk about it and he most definitely didn't want to listen anything about it. It was something unknown and Dan was hoping that one day Phil forgets about the whole thing so that they can live freely, without that strange factor in their life.

"As I was thinking more and more about it, I figured out that i don't want to be owned by people." Phil clarified more for themselves than for Dan. Dan just waved his head in confusion.

What the fuck was Phil trying to say?

"I don't want to be owned by you?" Phil whispered, their voice making the statement sound like a question.

It was no doubt that this confession felt like a stab to the heart.

Dan clutched his chest in order to calm his restless, beating heart. Phil reached out their hand and touched his shoulder to which Dan unfortunately flinched. The both of them moved away from each other, their heart hurting and their eyes avoiding each other's.

"You made me. You draw a shape of a person that was supposed to be me." Phil took a deep breath, their voice shaking as they tried to make a point. "All of the things that made me were things that belonged to you. I belong to you in every sense of the way and even though I do not mind at all, I find it comforting that I have something of my own now."

Phil finished their mini speak and looked up to find Dan's eyes that have been hiding away since the beginning of Phil's rant, it was obvious that his heart broke and dissolved into miniature pieces and scattered over his body in an attempt to fix itself again and again and again.

"What?" Dan whispered weakly. "What do you have of your own, now?"

Phil rolled up their sleeve and showed the tattoo.

"I am building myself as a person. It doesn't matter that it's in the form of a tattoo but this was a decision that you didn't expect and I made it myself." Phil pointed a finger at themselves right where the heart should be and then they took Dan's hand and took their index finger and pointed that same finger at their heart. "My own and my only."

"The only person that will make me as I am is myself." Phil stood up and disappeared for a second which was a product of them brining a piece of paper with some scribbles on it.

Dan took a moment to see the flowers on Phil's wrist and then the paper which held the same flowers only in different positions.

"What is this all about?" Dan raised the paper in the air, slightly waving it in front of Phil's face, his eyebrows knitted together because this conversation really tired him out and made him feel really bad about himself and the way he's been treating Phil.

"The tree of life, lilies and irises mean something perfect when you tie them all together." Phil smiled for a second to improve Dan's moody mood.

"When you look at the tree of life this way it connects all life on our planet, representing the evolutionary divergence of all living creatures and that represents the two of us, how we entertwine and how we learn from each and how you taught me everything that i needed to know to survive and most importantly, you learned me how to love which i think it's the hardest thing a person can learn. "  
Dan's eyes were the size of the moon; he really didn't expect to hear something so beautiful and flattering from Phil after all of the bad feeling he got after that mini rant Phil did.

Tears were on the brink of Dan's eyes, they were dangerously touching the very edge of his eyelashes but he forced himself not to cry.

"The flowers are a slightly different story, but they are still connected. The lilies represent chastity, innocence, purity and piety. And not to be concieted, but it kind of represents me as a person. Please, don't laugh."

Dan giggled but he knew that Phil was right. At least, Phil was self concious about it.

"On the other hand, we have irises right next to lilies and they represent eloquence. Purple iris is symbolic of wisdom and compliments. Blue iris symbolizes faith and hope. Yellow iris symbolizes passion while white iris symbolizes purity."

Dan was confused what was that all about.

"Because i couldn't decide which one to choose i decided to use what you give me all the time and that is the most common symbol of this flower and that is hope."  
Phil removed Dan's fingers from his tattoo and Dan couldn't really hold the tears so he just let them fall and roll away and collapse onto the couch as if they were raindrops giving these same flowers the life that Phil gave them while explaining this.

"I give you hope, ha?" Dan stopped sniffing after some while of the both of them hugging and whispering comforting things to each other.

"You do, all the time." Phil answered shortly, their eyes closed and their foreheads connected as they tried to stop the emotions from flowing everywhere around them as if they were tiny particles that managed to circle the world in such short time.

Dan breathed deep and let his hands fall by his sides.

"So, how will you become your own person?" Dan asked rather fearfully, his eyes finally clear of tears, but red from the embarrassing crying he just did.

Phil smiled, the corners of their lips twitching and staying there in that smile.

"You'll help me."

Imagine yourself surrounded with so much love that you can't feel the pain that the world provides daily to every individual out there who suffers through days, weeks, months and years. Reality is unfortunate in itself unless you can share the daily pain with someone you love.

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote 3.4 words of this i am really happy that i've managed to do that lmao
> 
> comments and votes are my shit i love all of you who take your time to read this
> 
>  
> 
> this is a soppy chapter i am sorry, i hope you like it though


	17. Sympathetic pity for the sufferings or misfortunes of others.

Rumpled skin.

Tears gliding.

Screams wailing.

Monsters screeching.

Nails clawing.

Face shredding.

Silence.

-

Two weeks after Phil’s tattoo finally healed, their fingers ached to scratch the place like nonstop, but Dan managed to stop them in doing that action. Everything was okay as much as it can be. Phil spent a bit of their money on the tattoo and a bit on buying shit to Dan that he totally didn’t expect to get.

Like clothes and mostly black stuff which Dan had no other than to adore.

Phil was all smiley this day and Dan had to smile just to reassure Phil that everything was more than fine.

And everything was okay.

Everything was more than okay.

Dan was cleaning the kitchen and sneezing because the goddamn sanitizer was making his nose itch, while Phil cleaned the living room, made the bed and made a new drawing or just an idea for a next drawing.

Dan finished cleaning the kitchen and made his way towards the living room, his entire body itching and aching for rest. He couldn’t resist but throwing himself on the couch which had a little blanket that Phil tried to effortlessly smooth out.

Phil freaked out when he saw Dan ruining his hard work that Dan totally messed up in just a few seconds.

“You little shit.” Phil spat out angrily, their hands on their hips, not really that mad, more annoyed.

Dan rose up from his seat, his mouth hanging and forming an o shape, “did you just say “little shit”?”

Phil took a step back; their face painting a guilty picture, Dan stepped forward and looked straight in their eyes, not breaking the contact, not running away.

“Where did you learn that word?” Dan whispered almost inaudibly, his hands catching Phil’s hands and somehow awkwardly holding them by their elbows.

Phil started to laugh and just pointed at the TV.

“Fucking hell. Jesus Christ.” Dan started to laugh too because what was there left to do, “I am seriously going to throw that shit out of the window.”

Phil just raised their arms in a defense mode, “not my fault though, I just absorb everything around me like a sponge.”

Dan squint his eyes because what the fuck was this fucker saying, he returned back to the kitchen and shouted, “absorb this, you sponge.”

Phil’s eyes widened when they saw Dan carrying a little bit of water in his hands that were probably going to go under Phil’s shirt.

Imagine two grown adults running around their apartment while sprinkling water on each other, giggling and laughing maybe too loudly for this time of the day. They were nothing but immature yet they didn’t care because it didn’t fucking matter, not now not ever.

It was all fine.

It was more than fine.

The two of them collapsed on the floor, while holding each other, their heads and hair wet from all this non sense, their body actually exhausted from running (not like they ever did any exercise), their fingers intertwined, their souls calm.

There were things they needed to do but they could give each other some certain amount of time before they did anything they needed to do.

-

They were walking by shops glowing in the morning light, the street lamps still on, and their eyes still somehow sparkly from the morning haze.

Hand in hand, into the icy blues, they were walking with a purpose for the first time in almost forever, not like they knew what forever meant to them.

It was bright and dark at the same time and Phil’s face was shadowed then illuminated as they walked pass various shady and drunk people in the early morning.

Their goal and what they needed to do today was irrelevant.

What will happen next will be relevant, but neither of the two of them knew what was about to happen.

“Are you tired?” Dan provided the silence with this simple question as he saw his best friend and soul mate yawning into their hand.

Phil looked up to the sky and the morning, cloudy sky looked back at them and then at Dan.

Dan couldn’t take his eyes off of the scenery he was allowed to watch.

The grayness of Phil’s skin looked more vividly than ever and the sky looked more and more high above than before, even though the clouds that were present in this beautiful morning were Alto clouds and they were just the middle clouds, nothing special.

Phil looked at Dan and realized that they never felt more relaxed than in this moment, when the sky looked sad and it made them dissociate, but Dan’s hand was holding them grounded, at least in this moment. Having Dan’s hand was a huge leverage; they could lean onto Dan as much as it was possible.

It was wonderful.

It was wonderful to have such a person who could see the best and the most beautiful in you even when the sun was not up yet and when the world looked like it was about to fall apart.

Nothing is as it seems apparently.

The air was moist, humid and that made Dan’s hair curl up even more and Phil had the urge to dishevel his hair, but they took a step back when they remembered that Dan wouldn’t like that very much.

Phil’s tattoo was completely healed, the branches, lilies and irises arched on their left wrist. It seemed as if today, in this early morning, in this grey light, it looked like the tattoo seemed more vivid than usually.

Or maybe it was just the two of them, not actually seeing things properly due to things that blind them.

They got on a bus, a heavy ugly piece of junk that somehow still managed to drive people around with their ugly seats and horribly ugly painted window so that you couldn’t look inside but people could look outside.

“I am not tired.” Phil responded way too late, the space next to their eyes forming crinkles as they tiredly smiled at every person that managed to brush pass them. Dan just nodded, knowing that it had no point to prod and ask for more information than necessary.

Everything that Phil felt Dan could see in their eyes.

On the other hand, when it came to Dan, Phil always had to ask what was wrong cause in this times they were living, it was almost impossible to figure out what Dan was thinking.

He was shadowed; he didn’t let people in too close, even though he literally broke the barrier of being really close to people with Phil. It was still different, Phil was bad at getting what was going on, it took them time to piece the puzzle and sometimes when Dan was mad, Phil would continue to talk and ramble about everything they could talk about in the most cheerful of ways.

The next thing that was about to happen will shine a light on what kind of a person Dan is and what will Phil do when he realizes that not everything is what it seems.

The bus bumped and drove through the London streets, the tires helplessly screeching underneath the bus, people bumping against each other’s shoulders like the law of friction told them to, which it did. Dan and Phil sat next to each other on those unbelievably uncomfortable seats that made their butts hurt even though they were sitting on them for just a few minutes.

They weren’t talking because there was no point, literally no point whatsoever because the bus was so goddamn loud that people couldn’t hear their own thoughts nonetheless talk to each other.

The driver of the bus was squinting at the road and Dan couldn’t help but feel like something was about to go completely and horribly wrong. Phil on the other hand was looking outside of the window, reminiscing the time when they were standing idly in the gallery as their paintings got driven away to someone’s home, where they will collect dust that won’t stick long to the painting and then fall to the ground and scatter into even tinnier matter.

Someone shouted at the front of the bus and they were pointing at the seat where the two of them were sitting.

Phil immediately grabbed Dan’s hand for support, their glances searching for the cause of the abrupt halt of the bus and the reason why that random man who was dressed all in white was pointing right at them.

Dan looked out of the window and that was when he saw it.

A tiny, fragile boy was down on the ground, right on the tarmac, maybe too close to the road, almost hit by a car as he collapsed onto the ground in a soul-crushing way.

It wasn’t the fall that was worrying people, it was the fact that the kid started to drool all over and his entire body was shaking like he was going into shock.

A young woman next to them started shouting and screaming while still holding her child next to her. Mother instinct, Dan thought to himself.

Half of the bus ran out to help the kid but Dan was firmly sitting there, not moving.

Phil looked at him with panicked eyes, their hands trembling due to the stress and fear this incident has just caused. Their breathing was hitched and unusual, it almost seemed like Phil was going into shock. Dan was not moving and also something that Phil didn’t expect and will try to justify later, he did not care. At all.

Dan’s face was relaxed, he was fine, Phil was fine, and to him the bus could just go on driving until they reach their destination.

He realized Phil was looking at him with horror in their eyes, the blue color seemingly vanishing like hope was being wiped away slowly with every second and every tick of the nonexistent clock. Dan thought to himself: “is it time to pretend I care? I don’t care, that’s the problem. How could i care when most of the time i was heartless?” he remembered all of those times when his closest relative told him that he deserves to die, the most important part of his family told him he was autistic in an insulting tone which only worsened things.

You can’t be a better person if people closest to you insult you on the basis of what you do wrong.

It’s a bad thing to do, especially if you tell that to someone who was a fragile and impressible boy like Dan.

It didn’t matter anymore. Times have changed and Dan though he changed too. It turned out that all of those times when he felt like he had no heart had an impact on what he still feels and the truth is he feels nothing at all.

Phil was still shocked, their eyelids barely closing but still blinking as fast as they could, their shaky fingers brushing against the seat in front of them, making room to breathe in the most of unusual ways.

The boy was still shaking but there were ten people surrounding him and some of them were calling the hospital and some of them were checking his breathing and pulse.

Good news, the drooling has stopped.

And yet, that meant nothing to Dan. He knew he had to feel something but he couldn’t, he knew that people expected him to feel but there was no room for feelings in his heart.

Unless, it was for Phil, out of the most unordinary reason he had to clutch onto Phil, Dan needed Phil in order to survive.

That was messed up, maybe Phil was realizing that as they stood up and walked away from Dan to see for themselves if the boy was okay.

The bus driver was shouting at people to make room for the boy, his forehead sweaty, and the picture of his kids hanging right by the window. He had feelings too.

When everybody made sure that the kid was fine, they hurriedly came back to the bus so they can continue with whatever they were intending to do. They were all shaken; it was visible in their movements and in their patterns of breathing.

Phil’s eyes painted a picture of lost hope, their irises lost the vibrant color it had this morning and Dan wanted to smile and tell them hey, it’s fine. But Phil looked judgmental for what was definitely the first time since they got here.

Dan’s heart sunk to the pits of the lowest bottom of despair, he needed to explain why he’s like this and that conversation is something he never wanted to have.

He recalled the time when he tried to explain his compassion or the lack of it to someone and how that went, how the tears rolled and how his pain increased with every heartbeat.

Unfortunately, Dan was capable of feeling just not in the right time or place or for the right people.

-

“Can you please explain?” Phil collapsed onto the couch in an awkward motion, their body slightly relaxing when they touched the smooth surface. It was more than obvious that Phil was horrified and most of all curios to what Dan had to say and how he will manage to get himself out of it.

Dan leaned onto the frame of the door in their living room, slightly catching up the air he purposely left behind in order to punish himself for not feeling and not being compassionate to human beings around him. Dan couldn’t look into Phil’s eyes because he knew that the only thing he would be seeing would be disappointment and judgmental glances he had no bravery to look at.

Phil wasn’t thinking like that at all, they were actually just curious to what the hell happened, what made Dan stop. Was it shock? Maybe, it was just shock. Maybe, Dan wasn’t good in stressful situations.

Phil gnawed their bottom lip as they found a comforting solution to Dan’s behavior. There was unfortunately that part of Phil’s brain that told them otherwise, that told them that this was nothing but indifferent and heartless behavior which only proved that Dan didn’t care about anyone at all.

Not even about Phil.

They felt a pang of pain in their chest and their right hand flew to their abdomen, slightly rubbing the place as if it was about to go away by simple touching it.

“I don’t know how to explain.” Dan finally spoke after so many unwanted silences have been shaded.

He tried to look at Phil, but it seemed that his brain was commending him to look away, as if this was something shameful, awful and something not to be mentioned.

Maybe they could just forget it.

Dan finally gathered the strength to look at Phil’s eyes.

Yes, definitely. There was no way that they could leave this behind like it was some irrelevant banter.

Phil made his way towards Dan in a faster motion and that made Dan shrink and flinch back. They raised their arms, their palms open wide to motion they meant no harm.

It was absurd that Phil was the one raising hands like they were the dangerous person in this room, and not the other way around.

“Why didn’t you react when the boy feel on the tarmac?” Phil prodded and pocked the main thing that everyone wanted to know.

What was the main reason behind all of this?

Dan shook his head, his thoughts trying to find the right words, the words that would make this less heartless than it is. But there were no words that could describe the monster that was Dan Howell.

He wasn’t the one calling himself like that, but he was starting to believe it.

All of those kids in kindergarten, school, high school and college that called him out on his lack of emotions and his lack of helping people were true, there was no other way around it.

All of those times when someone quietly whispered monster was true.

And now the person who means everything to him in the whole wide world, will be as equally disappointed as he was in himself his entire life.

“I didn’t care.” Dan choked out the answer, tears starting to well up in his eyes, the sobs starting to emerge from the bottom of his stomach, through his trachea to his mouth and finally, into the world.

“Every time I see someone get hurt, I don’t care. I never did, Phil. I am so sorry. I just don’t care about that kid; he doesn’t mean anything to me.” Dan looked up, first tears rolling down his cheeks, the bags under his eyes already puffy and red. The entire center of the world was directed at Dan now.

“I couldn’t care less if he died in front of me, I just wouldn’t.”

Phil took a step back and that was the movement that made Dan collapse on the floor, his knees on the cold hard parquet, his hands clutching his shirt and the other one balancing his entire body that was shaking as sobs got harder and harder. This situation was the last thing Dan needed right now, he didn’t need this dishevelment of his entire being; he didn’t need the feeling of all hope vaporing into thin air.

Dan started to mumble to himself as he always did when stressful situation emerged from nowhere and Phil wanted to help, they just didn’t know how to.

How could you even help when you just found out that your best friend is a shaking mess, something of a heartless being that probably doesn’t even care about you?

What would you do?

Phil had no choice, they took a step closer to a shell of a person that Dan previously was, their hands frantically trying to pick Dan up so they could sit properly. It was almost impossible to collect the pieces that were once Dan. Every time Phil tried to pick one piece up, the other ones scattered away even further.

Phil just hugged the mess that was now Dan and he tried to calm Dan and themselves down, but it wasn’t really working.

It especially didn’t work when Phil heard those small, peculiar words that were spoken by Dan almost unintelligibly.

Phil pressed their ear closer to hear those tiny words.

“I am a monster. I am monster. I am monster. I am a monster. I am a monster. I am a monster. Please, hate me.”

What could you do if your best friend hated their own guts, what would you do?

Rumpled skin, tears gliding, screams wailing, monsters screeching, nails clawing, face shredding.

Silence.

They sat on the floor for hours until time seemed to overcome the sadness that welled up their apartment like sickness creeping its way into a weak inhabitant.

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y0oooo guysss this fic has hit 1.1k i am very proud let's keep going.
> 
> you know i love all of you
> 
> this chapter is really important for the plot
> 
> you guys have no idea what i am setting up for you lmao
> 
> votes and comments are the sweetest!!!!!!!!


	18. Not letting go

There were days of silence. There were days when not one of them had made a sound. There were days when they would bump into each other and apologize. There were days when they bumped into each other and not one of them had the audacity to even say those simple, short words: “I am sorry.”

Those days were finally over and the two of them were back on the track. Dan felt a little bit better about the lack of his compassion and Phil was there to put more comfort on the newly opened wound. After those days have finally passed, Phil and Dan were back to their everyday activities. It seemed like the two of them were finally able to joke with each other and talk and sleep silently as the trees outside roamed as they made sound to warn everyone that they are still there.

Phil was up on their legs early in the morning which wasn’t a weird thing for them because Dan liked to sleep a lot and it was better when Dan had more space to sleep because he tended to sleep like a starfish and that made Phil uncomfortable. That wasn’t the only thing they were bothered by when Dan was sleeping next to him; another thing that Dan liked to do was to wrap himself in the blankets like he was a burrito and the consequence was Phil being left without any blankets and freezing their ass in the cold night.

One time, Phil just stood up, a little bit angrier from the bed after Dan has wrapped himself into another blanket burrito, and took a new blanket from the closet. Phil was pretty much satisfied with the outcome but after a few hours later, they realized Dan has managed to steal that blanket too.

Phil didn’t mind, though, it was Dan, so it was okay, if it was someone else, they might have been pissed but in this case he managed to let it slip.

After that incident happened, after they got home from that time when that boy collapsed in the street, they were both shaken by the fact that Dan was not capable of reacting what some people would call properly when bad things happen to people.

There was a bit of shouting and yelling and a lot of crying and days that followed were too quiet and the silence was overall too loud for Phil and Dan to bear.

Dan, of course, blamed himself for his behavior and Phil tried to justify Dan’s behavior with the facts that everyone always said: “you were just in shock”, “you were not helping because you saw everyone else was”, “you didn’t react in an instant which is fine because other people did.”

On the other hand, Dan managed to stutter out a word that broke Phil’s rambling and created silence.

Broken.

That’s what Dan said about himself. Phil wasn’t the one who wanted to accept that as a fact, even though it was obvious that Dan wasn’t like other people, but that still didn’t mean that he was broken.

People who have a few malfunctions aren’t broken. And they most definitely aren’t malfunctions; other people who believe to be normal have called them like that just to justify their collective behavior.

Phil observed the digital clock in the distance as it transferred from 8:59 to 9:00.

They could wake Dan up but was it necessary? Not really.

Phil tried to clean up the kitchen from the things they have left yesterday. The two of them had a mini fight while trying to take food from each other. It wasn’t anything mean, and they were just joking around, laughing and trying to make each other happier than they were previously.

There was a shuffling sound coming from the bedroom which intrigued Phil to turn around and observe with every ounce of their senses. They stepped closer to the bedroom and peeked inside to see Dan shuffling restlessly in his dream. Phil smiled, the corners of their lips curling upwards as they took another step closer to Dan, unfortunately making a creaking sound under their feet which made Dan jerk awake from his slumber.

Dan groggily opened his eyes, his eyelids trying to push away the hard sleep he was having.

“Hey.” He mumbled almost incoherently to his best friend, Dan’s smile widened as he watched Phil lean on the wall next to the bed, already dressed up and ready for the day to start.

“Hey.” Phil replied lazily, their body slouching down on Dan in an attempt to make Dan jump out of the bed. “It’s time to wake up.”

Dan groaned and covered himself with even more fucking blankets, Jesus Christ; he looked like a human burrito made out of blankets. This was crossing the boarders of being normal.

Phil laid there next to Dan, their hands brushing against each other but not holding, the window was slightly ajar, so the breeze entered the room slowly, and filled the air with chillness. The door that Phil left open contributed to the chillness of the air as the breeze started to accumulate not just in their room but in their whole apartment too.

It was easy to be cuddled up in warmth when you had Dan, the burrito man, who was literally holding all the warmth in the fucking world and Phil being cuddled up right next to where they usually laid beside Dan and enjoying the warmth their bodies produced. Dan turned back and saw the window and the door open, sighing slightly, he recalled the time when he left that door open for the first time in his life, the first time Phil was here, the first time he told Phil to stay on the couch, the first time Phil disobeyed him and headed straight to where he was and laid right beside him.

That was the first time.

And now, after so many nights they had together, it was more than obvious that Phil finally felt like this is their home and Dan couldn’t be happier and ecstatic about that.

“Now, you really need to get up. We have things to do.” Phil stated determinately, their eyes widening to emphasize their words in order to get their best friend, their soul mate out of the bed.

“We don’t need to do anything actually. We don’t have a job we have to be at, we work at home. Phil, what the fuck?” Dan rolled on the other side of the bed, unwrapping the blankets from his body as he attempted to put socks on that somehow managed to not fit his feet.

Phil clicked their tongue, and waited for Dan to put some decent clothes on, as they tried to think about something to say.

“We’ve run out of toilet paper, therefore, we need to go to the shop.” Phil clasped their hands against each other, their stare becoming more intensive while Dan tried to drag himself out of bed completely. Phil’s stare definitely wasn’t helping or contributing to Dan’s speediness nor was it helping Phil in not freezing while standing there.

“Of course we ran out of paper, you shit like a fucking seagull”, Dan giggled his way through the pile of clothes that were on the floor, piling up every time he decided to discard it. Naturally, the floor was a mess, but underneath the bed there was a collection of clothes, shoes, books, art supplies and probably a new culture of bacteria.

But then again, it wasn’t that bad, it could have been worse. Dan could be having that mess all around their apartment, but he wasn’t. Even though, their lives were pretty much in a mess right now, they were still holding the strings together.

“Fuck you.” Phil responded way too late as Dan was already up on his feet, finally fucking ready to go to the fucking shop just so Phil could probably buy something else, because they didn’t really care about toilet paper.

“Who taught you how to swear?” Dan gloated on his success of successfully saying those words aloud after stuttering so much in the past.

Phil just gave him a look; something looking like a disbelieving glance to point out that Dan was actually the one who just said some swear words and was the one in fact who taught Phil how to swear.

“Whatever, you are too adorable for swearing. But do whatever you want.” Dan put palms up and made a shrugging pose just to clarify that he actually didn’t care at all. Phil could do whatever they wanted, the only reason why Dan said that sentence was just because he wanted to see Phil’s smile when he told them they are adorable.

That smile was worth dying for.

The both of them froze after there was a sudden sound at the beginning of their hallway, Phil clutched onto Dan for safety even after all this time. Every time there was someone on the door they were frightened. The only thing that bothered Dan was the bell that was ringing really annoyingly and too loudly for this time of the morning, that was the only malfunction of this apartment they were living in.

Dan leaned onto the door so he could see through the peephole, his vision too blurry for a second to recognize the short person that was standing right outside their front door.

And as if on cue, the person ouside waved at the peephole and smiled. A small, short, blonde person with a simple black and white chiffon dress, pink bag and a lot of fake flowers in her long hair made Dan smile as he opened the door: it was Louise.

Why the fuck was Louise at their front door in this early time in the morning was a mystery. Dan wasn’t sure if they had an agreement or something went wrong or it was someone’s birthday or something as similarly irrelevant.

Phil peeped behind the wall that leads into the living room just to see Louise once again after the art fair. Dan wasn’t sure how Phil would react after seeing Louise for just a few times, but what Phil did was probably surprising to everyone as they ran into her hug.

It was obvious that Dan was more than glad, seeing his two friends getting along was the best feeling in the world.

His mind kind of raced when he saw Louise stepping really carefully around the two of them, but especially around Phil. This made Dan wary in the first seconds of Louise’s strange behavior. He immediately knew there was a reason to her carefulness and her peculiar state and pose.

Phil, of course, as always didn’t realize shit.

Sometimes, it seemed like Phil really wasn’t capable of paying attention to tiny details about what other people did and they most definitely weren’t capable of recognizing obvious strange behavior.

It wasn’t Phil’s fault, though. They were here for a really short time and most of the time the only person they communicated with was Dan and he wasn’t a person who would change their behavior out of the blue.

Phil didn’t notice how Louise flinched slightly when Dan tried to take her coat and Phil didn’t realize her slightly too widely opened eyes. But then again, Phil didn’t know Louise as much as Dan did and Phil wasn’t an obsessed freak like Dan.

Louise settled herself in the corner of their not-so-clean kitchen; she puckered her lips, something she always did when she was extremely nervous.

The only time that Dan actually saw her puckering her lips like that was when he was standing right by her side as the judges gave her the results of the work that she did. Of course, she won that competition; she was one of the best in making dresses. She was basically a pure talent and she upgraded that with constant hard work. She was a perfectionist and that was what Dan liked about her. They were complete opposites. Dan could, unlike Louise, leave his work undone for weeks, especially when he’s not in the mood.

One time, Louise even fixed his work for him which was a blessing honestly, cause Dan was supposed to give that work to one of his teachers when he was in college but he fell asleep like some nine year old before nine in the afternoon.

“What do you want to drink?” Dan cut off the silence with this totally irrelevant question that he already knew the answer too. Louise always drank coffee when she was at his, now theirs, Dan and Phil’s place.

Louise fake coughed slightly and looked away which was weird as hell itself, but Dan was going to let it slip, it seemed like something was wrong but he didn’t want to barge in with a bunch of questions.

“I am not going to drink anything.” Louise unexpectedly answered, which made Dan raise his eyebrows almost to the sky. Louise never denied coffee, not even if her shop was burning on fire or the government put out a law where people can’t wear dresses.

Phil was breaking something in the distance, probably something that Dan would regret later but now his attention was directed to Louise and her wary stance.

“What’s going on, Louise?” Dan emphasized her name just to make sure she knows he wasn’t not in the mood to mess around.

Literally everyone who knew him was aware that when Dan put your name in the sentence it meant that he’s being very serious, mature and totally grown up, so it was no miracle that Louise leaned back in her seat, watching him carefully and then peaking behind to see where Phil was.

“Chris sent me.”

Well shit.

Dan didn’t want to sit on his kitchen chair, so he quickly pulled himself up and stood there like his parents were telling him off for the bad things he did. He felt like a teenager who just got a bad grade and his parents were telling him how disappointed they were in him only because they wanted to fulfill their unfulfilled dreams through their kid's sucess.

“What does he want?” Dan said slowly, every word falling from his mouth in the slowest and scariest motion he could muster. There was absolutely no reason to be scared but as soon as Louise mentioned Chris, he fucking froze.

“He wants me to tell you that Phil needs to go.” Louise managed to spit out the words without stuttering, her throat visibly moving and the lump that formed in her mouth travelling down her trachea.

Dan just started laughing which made Louise frown extremely. That was probably the last expression anyone expected. Louise made a weirded out face to which Dan sat on the chair once again.

Dan was feeling rather cocky and he tried to laugh this off, but now his serious expression was back, “what does Chris mean by that?”

Louise tangled her fingers together until they looked like a bunch of small, elegant tentacles.

Maybe, it wasn’t the best thing to compare Louise’s fingers with tentacles but the point was still valid because her actions were proving the fact that she was even more than nervous.

There was a pinch of something that Dan couldn’t see at first, but now it was there, painted on her face clearly than ever.

It was fear.

Pure, iconic fear from the unknown.

Dan didn’t blame her; she didn’t know what was going on and initially Dan was planning on telling her but time passed and every single string he was holding together fell apart and disintegrated into the thin air. Unfortunately and finally, Dan had to admit that he was holding literally nothing together. His life, the people around him, situations and unexpected incidents took a huge toll on him.

And once again, it wasn’t his fault that much either.

Chris wasn’t the bad guy either, he’s just trying to do something he feels is the right thing to do.

Unfortunately, the world isn’t divided into the simple black and white contrast. If it was, maybe all of this, his entire life would be so much simpler to solve.

“Please, don’t blame this on Chris.” Her words were fast and Dan felt like there was an explanation coming and as always he was right.

Louise sighed deeply, her soft glance travelling towards the ceiling and then back to where they were before. “I searched Phil up.”

Dan clicked his tongue. Of course, she fucking did. Phil as a person doesn’t exist on the internet. There are no mentions of them on the stupid huge platforms out there.

Dan could easily say that Phil just didn’t like social media or whatever but he was tired of faking and lying. He was sick of it. If there was one person in the entire world that he would trust with valuable information as this, it was most definitely Louise.

“Literally nothing came up.” Louise said sadly. “Instagram, Facebook, twitter, I even tried MySpace, yes, I was that miserable.”

Dan chuckled at the MySpace mention even though it was no time for laughing.

“Nothing came up, Dan.” She said sternly. “It is almost as if Phil never existed.”

Dan looked up, his lips parting, and his eyes forcing him to shut because there were definitely tears welling up and he knows that Louise doesn’t like seeing people cry because she starts to cry too, maybe even harder than the person who started to cry and sob first.

Louise inspected Dan’s face and her eyes went wide because Dan’s silence was probably answering the question and what Chris has filled her head up.

“So, it’s true.” Louise said in the most disbelieving tone. “Phil, it- just explain to me how it happened.”

Dan licked over his gums, his fingers twitching nervously as he tried to compose himself and answer straight. The look she was giving him was really driving him mad; the nervousness he felt inside was something that he couldn’t explain in words in a million years. He could paint it, but then again, people might misunderstand it.

“Phil just, i-“ Dan clasped his hand over his face, his tears now making a run over his face, one tear competing the other one in which one will reach Dan’s chin or the floor faster.

The one on the right managed to win.

“I wanted to draw something good, you know? And when Chris went away I did. I really fucking did, for the first time in this stupid short life I managed to make something I am proud of.”

Dan took a moment to breathe, his heart beating way too fast for his enjoyment.

“And then my drawing stepped out of the canvas and moved in with me. Oh my god. That sounds extremely fake, doesn’t it? Louise, please, listen to me. I am telling the truth.” Dan choked out through tears.

Louise just leaned in her chair, her eyes travelling somewhere behind Dan, somewhere right above him. Dan turned around to see Phil standing uncomfortably, their legs without a gap between each other, and their stance as awkward as it can get.

After all, there was nothing weird about how Phil was handling themselves at this point, it was them Dan and Louise were taking about.

It was really unfortunate to see Phil so bummed out after all the days they spent really happy after that stupid incident and now this has come to ruin their entire mood.

Dan blamed himself for a lot of things, but the thing he hated most about himself was the fact that he ruined Phil. It was obvious that that day when the incident happened when the boy collapsed was a days a part of Phil’s innocence died.

Phil was a different person now. They even managed to fake being happy which made Dan extremely sad. what Phil was aware of was the fact that Dan could see right through his act.

Dan spaced out a bit; after all, he did that all the time.

He could feel the chillness of the air, the sweetness of the earth before the rain. The smell that encompassed all of Dan’s feelings, all of the things Dan could feel in the very essence of his bones.

That was what mattered most.

Phil couldn’t look at Louise and her crying eyes, so he approached rather swiftly towards her and awkwardly started to pet her on the head which followed suit with a hug.

That was probably the moment that broke Louise into pieces and she started crying really loudly, the cry that would definitely embarrass any other person, but they were in a circle of friends so it didn’t matter.

“I am sorry for ruining your lives.” Phil apologized, their voice muffling against Louise’s hair which made their voice almost unintelligible.

Dan turned around just so the two of them couldn’t see the huge waterfall of tears that were slipping down his face rather furiously.

Phil, of course noticed Dan’s turning around and he wanted to hug him too but Louise wasn’t letting them go.

“No, Phil. I am sorry, we are sorry for ruining yours.”

Louise repeated that statement a few times and she got a confused look from Phil and a wary glance from Dan.

Phil wasn’t sure in what way anyone here ruined their life but this was a moment of utmost sadness so they weren’t in the mood to investigate the matter more.

Phil tried to find Dan’s eyes but Dan was stubborn in avoiding any eye contact.

This moment settled in and Louise continued to talk about stuff that didn’t matter at all, some irrelevant things that would totally matter if they were all in the right mood. Dan waited some time to pass, so it would be easier to let Louise out of their apartment.

And Louise sure did take her time; she sat there babbling about irrelevant things for an hour and a half which was in this case a lot, but in her case probably a small amount.

On her way out, she whispered something into Dan’s ear to which he furiously shook his head in disagreement - whatever Louise said in that moment will be relevant for the two of them in the future.

The door shut loudly behind Louise and Dan just put on the best fake smile he could muster.

“Gather some blankets, Phil. We are going on the balcony.”

-

“We didn’t go to the shop. We are really missing the toilet paper.” Phil said out of nowhere, their voice muffled by the blanket that enveloped their entire body. Dan giggled lightly at the notion of the toilet paper, it felt like the discussion they had in the morning was centuries ago, before Louise dropped by to discuss certain things.

“Seagull.” Dan replied shortly, his mouth twitching in a crooked smile and his eyes crinkling in the corners. He felt happy, but not in the true sense of the way. He managed to convince himself like nothing happened in the morning and like everything was fine, like everything flowed smoothly for the two of them.

Phil chuckled lightly alongside Dan and they let their chuckles to fall into air as their faces relaxed, and every muscle stopped resisting the urge to fake smile at everything.

“What will you do? Will you send me away? Do you even know how to send me away?” Phil shot the questions out of his mouth quickly as their mind raced out of worry.

Dan just shot him a death glare to which Phil almost shrunk in size. All of that lead to Dan’s pang of guilt in his chest and constant reassuring that he will not let Phil go just that easily.

“Not letting me go, right?” Phil murmured under their breath as Dan squished them into a hug.

“Never letting you go.” Dan confirmed Phil’s words as the two of them cocooned more into their blankets.

They stayed there, wondering and pondering their life after it was violently shaken by Louise. Well, not exactly by Louise, but by consequence that were following their actions.

It was easy to say that everything will be fine, but maybe it was time to stop lying.

They were currently in the place called liminal space - which meant they were in a throughway from one space to the next. Those places have no definitive place outside of their relationship to the spaces people are coming from and going to. Reality feels altered here because people are not really supposed to be in them for a long time for them to think about as their own entities, and when they do they seem odd and out of place.

Dan and Phil feel weird because their brains are hard-wired for context - they like things to belong to a certain place and time and when people usually experience those things outside of context people’s brains have developed for them; their brains likes to shut down when any inconvenience appears. People’s rational understanding can sometimes override that immediate “danger” impulse but we’re still left with a feeling of wariness and unease.

They want their life to be a steady pace but everything they have lived through together has been something so different and something that changed all the time.

It was effortless and a Sizif’s work to try and make things normal. They were nothing but a rocky boat wavering around in the open sea. They were safe for now, their bodies warm and their hearts full, but that doesn’t mean it will stay like that forever.

Life was like that, after all.

 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy shit this chapter has 4.1k words, i finally wrote 1k more god bless
> 
> pls vote and comment you all give me life
> 
> also what do you guys think how many more chapters should this fic have??
> 
> also tell me what do you think will happen in the end lmao??!!!
> 
> i love you all!!!!!!!!!!!


	19. Long time

Just pretend for a moment that you are not what you are. Just pretend you are not an artist, just act like a normal person for once, Dan reminded himself.

It was obviously hard to be someone completely normal when everyone around you was expecting you to be one. Anyone's behavior didn't matter unless they crossed the lines of being acceptable. People actually didn't mind other people. People didn't mind seeing Dan's peculiar behavior nor did anyone notice how strange Phil was sometimes. People didn't notice how Phil does the most extraordinary but at the same time the weirdest things and shit ever.

Dan had to remind himself that he shouldn't be so amazed by Phil all the time, what if Phil develops the idea of being totally conceited and then one day decided to be a total asshole towards anyone, including him? He had to brush that thought away as quickly as he prompted it to himself. There was no way that Phil could become like that, yes sure, they were changing, but everyone was allowed to change from time to time and most of all, there was nothing wrong with being someone and then being someone completely else in the next second. Things have changed for the both of them in big scales, probably the biggest scales ever, but they were holding onto every normal fraction possible.

Now, you may think that these inner thoughts Dan is having are currently being held as he's doing sometimes important, but no. He's not doing anything that would contribute to the society nor he is doing anything good at all.

They are in the supermarket. Phil is running around the fucking shop. Unfortunately, Dan doesn't have the audacity to say no to Phil, so the only outcome is Phil running around and picking totally unimportant groceries and putting them into the cart.

"Can we take these?" Phil whispered into Dan's ear totally unexpectedly which made Dan cringe and flinch a bit. He hated when Phil did that, they knew that Dan loathed neck touching, breathing sharply into someone's ear or anything as creepy as that. Phil was slightly crossing the boarders with their behavior, but they knew when to back down.

This time they realized it too.

Dan looked closer at what Phil was holding in their hands, the slightly bigger container of fucking glitter looked Dan back in the eyes as if it was mocking him.

He was about to lose his shit.

This wasn't the first time Phil did something like this. Just a few days ago, Phil had an amazing idea of doing something extraordinary with the food they were eating and Dan was probably giving them too much patience and hope at that point, it should have been obvious that Phil was about to fuck everything up. They were just casually preparing food for lunch and Phil had the brightest of ideas, as they so poetically said it, and they managed to convince Dan to step away and let them finish the meal.

Dan shouldn't have done that.

Phil came back with the plates and Dan had to admit that it looked really promising and the smile on Phil's hoping face was even more convincing. It was incredibly sad to see Dan flinch at the first bite when he tasted the sugar literally pouring out of every atom of the meal they were having.

Dan almost threw up. Not even the cakes he tried were that sweetened-this was beyond sweet. It was ultra-sweet. It was also horrible.

Phil didn't even take one bite, they just smiled and took their plate when they saw how much they fucked up and apologized.

Dan didn't take that as a mistake. If it was him who made the mistake, he would be feeling guilty forever and ever, but this was Phil and mistakes were things that they will do for a long time from now, but it wouldn't matter because they are learning, they will grow.

"No, we can't take eatable glitter for cakes. We don't need it and we are not making any cakes now, because we don't need them, Phil. Please, don't make me repeat myself." Dan murmured out quietly in order for other people around him to not hear him. It was already really weird to see Phil running around like a child even though they looked a little bit older than Dan.

Phil made a pouty face but that phase of feeling angry passed in a second, they were already scanning other items, and looking at people in wonder like it was the first time they saw them.

Naturally, Dan had a hard time handling Phil in public because they weren't holding their comments back and sometimes they would totally insult someone without realizing that they hurt them. Don't get the idea wrong, Phil wasn't talking smack about other people around their back, they were just thinking and speaking logically, so when an old lady passed them in a long fur coat in a pretty hot day, Phil had to be the one to comment that.

The lady didn't take that light heartedly and she started cussing after the two of them like there was no tomorrow.

Back in the present, they were approaching the marshmallow shelves and Phil couldn't help themselves but to squeal when they saw them from the distance. Before anyone gets the wrong idea, Phil wasn't squealing like a ten year old boy, it was more of a concoction of these weird sounds that were somewhere between screeching and a mix of dinosaur noises that sounded so fucking weird and after Phil did that every time, they would get so many strange looks.

There was one thing Phil was totally addicted too and it was the goddamn cancerous marshmallows that made Phil's mouth water. Dan had to acknowledge the little parts of his brain saying that the companies who made that sugary, unhealthy stuff had to put some drugs in it.

Maybe, Phil was eating cocaine now, who knows?

Dan had to dispose of that idea after a while cause that kind of thinking was about to get him nowhere.

He had to concentrate on the good things and not let these paranoid parts of his brain to rule over.

Phil was wondering around and every time Dan looked up, Phil seemed to disappear from his eyeshot. The last time Dan caught sight of Phil, they were hiding a piece of some unidentified candy behind the shoe shelf. They truly were a real duo. Dan was almost proud even though when he did those kinds of things in the past he would get smacked by his mom or dad or any relative that was nearby. It was obvious that Dan wasn't doing those things anymore, due to the unfortunate feeling of being totally fucked up over the fact that your mom would shout at you for something so menial and therefore making a kid feel like they did something so horrendous. Even though those days of Dan making the retail workers work more than they had to, he was going to let Phil have the fun. But then again, he didn't want those poor people to suffer even more than they had to, so whenever he saw Phil pushing an item behind every other product that didn't belong where they were stashing it, he would take it and put it back.

That was mostly the reason why Phil wasn't in his eyeshot anymore.

Dan would also be lying if he said that he totally wasn't scared when Phil wasn't near his side. There was a feeling growing in his chest, and it wasn't just staying there, it was spreading everywhere around his body and it was holding the ground place in the pit of his stomach. The feeling didn't stop; it scratched his insides and clawed further and further until his body forced him to hold his breath.

"Hey, what is this?" Phil's voice erupted behind Dan, making Dan jump slightly. He turned around to see Phil holding a colorful packet of small birthday candles where the box so obviously said "LET'S PARTY, IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY!"

Dan glared at the words and Phil decided to completely ignore his death stare and continue to prod with the questions. Even though, Dan loved Phil more than anything, he wasn't in the mood to let them bore him with unimportant stuff.

Phil decided to keep the candles to which Dan wasn't so happy about because this day was a weird day and he wasn't in a good state of mind and he just needed to know why the hell was Phil so stubborn on buying those candles that were specifically used for stupid birthdays.

Dan elbowed Phil tenderly when he saw Phil furrowing their eyebrows at the small package of candles to which Phil raised their head to look at Dan's eyes directly.

Dan lifted his head to match the height difference because he was holding himself kind of bent over the wheel cart. To be exactly correct if he was standing normally he would be taller than Phil.

"What are these for?" Phil questioned quietly, their voice trembling like the wind was carrying it and dispersing it everywhere around the world for people to hear. But there was no wind here and they were in a supermarket where whispers weren't necessary and were totally foolish to do.

"How do you mean what they are for, it says right there. They are for birthdays." Dan explained to a rather confused and baffled Phil. Phil just flipped over the side and went to open the package but Dan stopped him mid action.

"What are you doing? We had an agreement, don't open shit, and I mean food, in supermarkets." It was clarified long ago that that kind of behavior was not allowed and Phil knew that, but this time something was weird, they were acting weird. This stupid piece of candles was torching their beautiful, sometimes clueless brain and leaving them worried over irrelevant things.

"I get that, it says on the package, but what are exactly birthdays?"

Oh shit, Dan thought to himself.

Out of all the things Dan has thought Phil throughout the time they have spent together, somehow they managed not to mention birthdays? That was probably the first thing someone asked you when you were a kid: how old are you, what's your sign, were you born in the summer or winter?

Dan stood there dumb folded; his mouth completely shut, their brain trying to revive itself into the explaining mode and his fingers twitchy as his mind raced to the nearest nerve in his brain that wasn't too lazy to answer all of Phil's question that were going to get there.

Phil was standing there with a confused expression upon their face, the package hanging loosely in their right hand. They were in this uncertain moment of being totally unconvinced by almost anything Dan had to say. It was as if Phil was having a teenage rebellious phase which Dan totally didn't mind, he was all for punk rock, but Phil was pushing the limits and one day when it was so obviously raining and Dan has said to Phil that they should go to buy some groceries and take an umbrella so they don't get wet, they stubbornly refused to do so, so after the entire day of being soaked wet, Dan was forced to make earl grey tea to Phil who was in the phase of defrosting.

Birthdays were actually weird to explain. The basic ground of one's birthday is mostly to just get presents and whoever was the one who invented birthdays was probably only thinking about that. Not that anyone complained.

But how do you explain the core of celebrating birthdays to someone like Phil?

Dan decided to answer with what he always knew would work, at least for a little while.

"Birthdays are anniversaries of the day on which a person was born; usually, it's typically treated as an occasion for celebration and the giving of gifts. " Dan smiled awkwardly as the definition he got from Wikipedia carved its way into his brain. Phil nodded solemnly as they put the packet back on a wrong shelf.

Whenever Phil was in a bad mood, Dan always wanted to know what was behind it all, what was happening inside Phil's head, are they okay? Are they hearing things they aren't allowed to hear? Are they stepping one closer step to the end, are they still with him?

Phil would cheer up slowly and would be back into their usually cheery mood and it would seem as if everything was fine again, but Dan's mind was plagued with thoughts that served as an aftermath to his insecurity and anxiety.

"You know, when I was a kid, my mom would make a lot of effort in my birthdays, and those were actually the best days of my childhood life." Dan remembered the days when he felt so carefree and not one single bad thought would cross his mind nor would he stir in his sleep. Times were so peaceful back then, he wished for those times to come back. But time was a solid and a firm thing, there was no bending it and you couldn't stop yourself from getting older and older.

"The best things about my birthdays was that the time when the celebration of my birthday happened was usually when all kids were on holidays, so we were completely free and all the friends that I barely had could come without thinking about how they need to attend another miserable day in elementary school." Reminiscing like this made Phil come closer and listen to him intently. Now that Dan got Phil's full attention he could finally explain it all and let it be for now.

"My mom would make such a fuss over my birthdays; she would make the cake, the cupcakes, muffins, treats and all that." Dan stopped midsentence to breathe in some air as the thought of those days when his mom was happy, or when he thought she was happy, were long gone. "She would call the kids and their moms and it was a huge get together, y'know? She, ah- liked doing that and then after some time when I started to get older, when my teenager years were just beginning she stopped doing that and I celebrated my birthdays alone with a gift card from my relatives."

Phil looked saddened by everything Dan has said and their hand found its way towards Dan's and they squeezed real tight to let Dan know that those things were in the past and that those things were never going to happen again.

"Those were, it was actually really nice to be around all of those people. I don't know what happened later that made me wish to be completely alone. I think I, I think something fundamental changed in me or maybe something really important shifts in all of us as we grow up and maybe I was the only kid who couldn't handle the transition." Dan bit his bottom lip, which was followed by a sad exhale. Sometimes, this kind of conversation made Dan extremely tired and the overwhelming feeling he got after this was weighting his soul and his heart to the measure where he needed a reminder to act like a human and breathe, breathe, breathe and live.

Phil detached themselves from Dan and looked back at the shelf where they disposed of the candles, and Dan could see the exact moment a question started to form in their little head, starting from the origin, a small spark in their brain and then being performed completely.

"When was I born?" Phil stammered the question out of their mouth, their glance going back to the shelf where they left the candles.

Dan thought about that question thoroughly, he remembered the night before he met Phil for the first time and even though it seemed like it was ages ago, Dan could still remember every detail and all of the things that happened in the past were like they were erased.

Dan didn't feel like he existed before Phil came along, it was like that part of his life was made up and fake.

"You were either born on October thirty first or November first, I am not really sure, I wasn't there and it wasn't like it was a traditional way of getting born so how would I actually know?" Dan admitted, sounding a bit disappointed with the fact that he didn't know that kind of basic stuff about Phil, but what could he do, he was asleep at that time.

"I don't want either of those dates. I am going to choose a new one." Phil stated determinately, their smirk getting bigger as time passed. Dan had to admit that he was more than intrigued now, this was a different thing to him, totally different, especially because for example, people can choose their own names after they are not minors anymore and there are some basic stuff like religion and appearance that people can simply change. But this was something unbelievable intriguing, because you couldn't choose a birthday, you were either born on that day or not (not considering the people that don't know when they were born).

"Okay, sure. Shoot." Dan smiled as the cashier started to scan their groceries they barely spent any money on. When Dan was about to give his card to the cashier, Phil finally voiced their statement.

"I am going to get to you on that one." Phil replied boldly, their hands showing deep in their pockets while Dan did all the job of putting the groceries in the lame plastic bags.

"Sure, take your time."

-

"Okay, I am done!" Phil shouted from the back of their apartment, their hands holding papers full of scribbles and dates they could use for their birthday.

Dan turned around with a smile on his face, his fingers smudged in paint and his pants looking like flowers in the spring.

The piece he's been working on is for some extremely creepy old dude who asked him to paint him naked young chicks and to make it "artistic" as the old rich man suggested. Dan, of course, didn't mind, that money went to them after all and that money could be used in good purposes. He didn't want to give that situation more thought, because it would lead him to dark imaginary places that held that old dude jerking off to his actually amazing painting because he was too old to hear about internet porn sites.

It couldn't get more amazing than that.

Dan was on the phone for a good half hour with Chris who was trying to persuade him to let Phil leave, Dan neglected the idea as soon as it was brought up. Chris sounded mad but not mad at Dan, he sounded exasperated and disappointed and most importantly as if he was mad at the world. Obviously, Dan initially thought that Chris's anger was directed at him and him alone and maybe a bit at Phil but then after some time passed and after that meeting of their in the gallery, it looked like the anger has fueled down and that both sides were calm now. The anger was replaced with exasperation.

That phone call was long over and Dan redirected his entire attention back to Phil who finally had the final date of his birthday. Phil sat right next to the painting which was Dan's new arm holder. They looked at him weirdly but Dan leaned on even more so his entire body was mostly covering the painting which held woman's genitals.

God knows why Dan was acting so strange, it's not as Phil would be severely damaged by a person's nakedness. After all, they saw it on the TV too many goddamn times.

"Okay, so let's start. First of all, it's in January." Phil clapped once and widened their eyes as Dan nodded almost absentmindedly even though he was completely aware of his surroundings today.

"So I did some research and as I predicted all the dates were horrible." Phil concluded sadly, their face displaying a frown instead of that smirk they had on just a second ago.

"Every day had some bad things and good things, it's, I-I couldn't choose a date that's you know," Phil stopped, their fingers pulling the sleeves of their shirt up to their elbows, "perfect".

Dan sat down next to them, totally forgetting about the naked chick he drew and hid with his body from Phil to see what they were intending to say.

"I finally found something interesting." Phil said as they pulled a heavy book from the stacks of papers and notebooks they managed to grab with their two hands. "it's a, well I hope you don't mind, but uh, I found this book under the huge stack that you need to reorganize and possibly clean in the future and in the first few pages there are some dedications and quotes but it also says when it was published."

Dan took the boom from Phil's hands, the dusty book covered with a layer of dust displaying the title "Around the world in eighty days" by Jules Verne and published by Pierre-Jules Hetzel.

The book was published on January 30, 1873.

"I presume your final wish is for that date to be your birthday?" Dan added with a smile while their finger touched the indentations the book made where the letters were printed.

"Yeah", Phil added, smiling contently to themselves and to no one more. "Also, I did a bit of research and I figured out that that date wasn't really the best of dates, a lot of wars happened and it wasn't really peaceful and there was also something about Hitler becoming the main dude in Nazi Germany which isn't a good thing."

Dan giggled too loudly, "main dude", he repeated, his eyes glimmering from happiness.

"There were bad things but there were good things too, like I saw that Elvis Presley recorded Blue Suede Shoes, I mean that's a big good thing right."

Dan leaned back onto the couch, the corners of his lips curling upwards as he stared at this wonderful creature who blabbed on and on about completely irrelevant things that somehow managed to become relevant when they escaped their mouth.

"Yes, because you couldn't live without Elvis." Dan joked, his hands coming behind and wrapping Phil's middle as Phil wiggled to get out of the embrace like a groggy cat.

"Hey, who knows, I might become a longtime fan in the future, you never know. Also the peace of Bautzen happened, that's a good thing too." Phil settled somehow uncomfortably on Dan's lap and legs with half of their body as their eyes followed the patterns on the ceiling. "Peace is good, I love peace."

Dan reminded himself to mark the calendar, it was almost Christmas after all and he had to remember to buy Phil something for their first, zero birthday? Who knows after all and in the end it doesn't matter.

"You only gave me a month to buy you something." Dan combed Phil's hair with his free hand. "What do you want for your, let's say, first birthday?"

Phil opened their eyes widely, a huge grin appearing on their face. "Wow, oh my god. You'll buy me something? I didn't expect that." Phil put their hand to their chin and mouth as they processed what they could get. "Oh, yeah that's the custom of birthdays, I forgot."

Dan leaned back once again and he forced his brain to think about what Phil has said just a minute ago.

"Peace is good, I love peace."

He hoped that what Phil was feeling right now was only peace and love and most of all, some sort of contentment as the two of them grew together, side by side. Dan had to admit that this part of his life was the best and that all of that before felt like nothing, something like it has never existed. It was painful to think that times before Phil were like that.

Sad, alone and painful.

Keep what you love, they used to say. Dan is trying to hold tight as much as he can, and for the first time he is actually managing to hold the weight.

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am sorry it took so long to update, it's here now, with 4k!!!
> 
> hope you enjoyed this chapter, i love you my dudes, i hope you are all well.
> 
> and i am going to try and write the next chapter as soon as possible.
> 
> votes and comments if you liked this chapter!!!!


	20. Moulin Rouge

Christmas is a time of the year that everyone loves, right? It is a perfect time when people give each other gifts and when everything is lovey dovey and everybody loves each other and they enjoy the eerie Christmas chilly winter.

Especially for people without families, for people who want to die and for people who don't even have a house to live in.

It's especially lovely for the kids whose family is destroyed and whose families are too poor to buy them anything basic that's important to survive.

That led Dan to think that the world is a simple piece of shit and that Santa was a capitalistic asshole who only gave presents to rich kids who most definitely didn't deserve it.

That belief followed him around when he was a kid and the best thing about the whole ordeal was that his parents never actually made him believe in Santa. He always knew that the stupid, drunk, red cheeked dude that lived in the North Pole never existed because logically, who the fuck could live in that freezing piece of shit of a place? His parents never imposed any belief on him and even though their upbringing and nurture wasn't even near to perfect, he could at least thank them for not letting him have false hope in things that never existed.

The other kids who had a lot of money firmly believed in Santa and Dan had the infortune to tell those same kids that their precious dude who breaks into houses on Christmas Eve to deliver presents doesn't actually exist and is just a hoax from your parents to let you believe that miracles exist.

Why did parents even do that? There's literally no reason to make your children believe in something that you could totally present as a way of you giving them presents on this cool day when the whole family is together and you eat whatever the fuck people eat for Christmas and there's no school and for most jobs out there, it's a free day where you eat cupcakes, cakes and whatnot.

And still, parents have the tendency to make up this character that brings their children all the things they wished for, even though those wishes can be executed by money and their parents are the one buying it anyway.

What happens to kids that are sad and who wish for happiness, a home, or for their parents to get back together?

How do you fix that? You can't buy that with money.

Fuck money.

Fuck traditional values.

Fuck the media.

Fuck the sun.

The last one was applicable to this day because Dan and Phil were literally dying. The sun outside was too fucking hot for this time of the year and their skin was about to detach from the flesh and turn into dust while their bones rattled down on the floor.

It was one of those days when it felt like winter did a full one eighty and decided to not act like winter at all.

Dan fucking hated the sun, if it was up to him, he would rather live in the night time and sleep in daytime. But everyone else was afraid of the dark and the soothing silence wasn't good enough for them.

Dan found comfort in it and this setting and this time of the day, and the heat that actually made him sweat wasn't making him comfortable and was making him think of the times where the day was the same and when every part of the cog jumped out and protested against the system.

It all happened fifteen years ago. His dearest mother sent him to kindergarten around the time of Christmas.

All the kids were screaming about the things that their dearest Santa will bring them this Christmas, and Dan was doomed to sit at the coloured table at a plastic chair that was in no way comfortable and wait for the day to pass.

The only reason why he knew how to read how much time it is on the clock was to find out when was the time to go away or at least that part of the schedule in kindergarten when all the kids sleep. Except Dan never slept, he just stared at the ceiling and waited for the time to pass.

That day in kindergarten he had an unpleasant encounter with one blonde Irish kid whose name he conveniently forgot as time passed by.

That day Dan forgot about what kind of behavior enveloped kids his age and that was also the day he learned to remind himself not to slip up like that again.

This kid was ranting on and on about how Santa Claus is great, actually in his words "how Daddy Christmas was amazing that he came up all the way here and gave them presents" to which Dan muttered out a quiet "Santa doesn't exist" which was followed by a muffled giggle. Dan remembered not to mess with people who have such strong beliefs as this kid who punched him for ruining his dreams and innocence. Nevertheless, when Dan remembered this situation from his young days, he also recalled that he could have seriously kink shamed that kid but when he was seven years old, he didn't even know what that was, but if that happened now, he totally would have done that.

That Irish kid was permanently wiped from his mind when he looked around himself and figured out that Christmas does bring some happiness, even though some stuff about Christmas are just simply hoaxes for children. The true happiness that Christmas brings is seeing your soul mate by the plastic tree that you bought together after firmly agreeing that buying a real tree would hurt the tree that Phil named Steven for some reason, and seeing them putting Christmas decoration balls on the place where they found it convenient.

Dan also figured out that Phil had a system where they put the lighter decoration balls on top and the heavier ones on the bottom, which Dan never did even though that was probably the most logical thing in the world.

That was true happiness.

Phil finally brought the true essence of Christmas to Dan in full motion as the two of them bought presents, made shitty cookies and cakes and put Christmas stickers on the windows and put up the fairy lights in their bedroom.

Everything felt how Christmas should have felt ages ago. Dan caught this weird feeling where he felt like a kid again, but at the same time, it felt so strange, and comparing it to being like a kid was stupid because he never felt like this when Christmas time arrived.

His Christmas's were dull, boring and colorless.

Phil changed his entire life.

It would be weird if Phil wasn't here, Dan didn't even want to force himself to think about a life without Phil.

Phil bought Dan something really small and Dan really didn't want to ask what was inside and even though Phil was probably intending to keep it to themselves until Christmas actually arrives, Dan still felt a pang of guilt because he had something wrapped inside the Christmas paper but he also has something that's not possible to wrap inside something.

Phil was finally done with the tree and they stepped aside to observe it more carefully, the fairy lights casting shadows on their face as it started to illuminate more as the night got darker and darker.

It was Christmas Eve and there was some time that has passed since Phil decided on their birthday. The time passed slowly and uneventfully as the two of them spent their time drawing, doing something creative, redecorating their apartment, and by redecorating it means that the two of them just changed the paintings on the walls and changed the curtains. Dan decided to put more of Phil's painting on the wall because they just simply looked more acceptable than what he usually painted and when Louise visited them alongside Cat, they were pleasantly surprised to see the slight change for the better.

The decoration wasn't so important as much as Dan enjoyed having Phil's things around; it felt more like Phil belonged to this place. Phil wasn't the one who was seriously bothered with that, they were perfectly fine with things being the way they are, they felt completely in sync with everything around them but Dan was the one that wanted so desperately for Phil to feel completely at home.

Dan wasn't very good at recognizing that Phil was already feeling like they were at home. They didn't need help from Dan and from him putting Phil's artwork on the walls like it would change something about how Phil feels. Phil, of course, had to admit that it felt nice that Dan was trying so hard even though it was totally unnecessary.

Finally, the two of them collapsed on the couch feeling quite tired. Dan looked up to find Phil's eyes scanning over his body like they were looking for something. Dan nudged them slightly, "hey, what's wrong?"

Phil gnawed on their bottom lip, their eyebrows drawing closer together in confusion? Or maybe anger?

"I don't know; I just feel weird." Phil continued with their restlessness, "I have a weird feeling in my chest; it feels like-like somebody is gripping it tight. I have no idea, I just-have a feeling like somebody is gripping my guts and squeezing them." Phil sat straight on the couch, their eyes fixated in front of them, their expression serious and stoic.

This didn't sound good at all, especially because it was Christmas Eve and Dan wanted Phil to feel special because this was their first Christmas Eve. Dan felt finally happy when this time of the year arrived and he swore to himself to make Phil happy too.

He already had a plan, the tickets were bought and he already talked to the dude that works there,all he needed to do was get Phil there and then it will be perfect.

He just needed to wait out for a few hours, until midnight strikes.

-

There was a loud thump that woke Dan in the middle of the night. Well, not exactly in the middle of the night because it has been only three hours since the two of them fell asleep in the most uncomfortable position on the couch and it was Christmas, but not Christmas morning, more like Christmas night? Well, either way, Dan was pretty much unsure about whatever fell on the floor due to his eyesight being kind of black when all of the lights were shut. Their fairy lights were shut too which was weird, he had a feeling like he left it on but maybe Phil stood up and plugged it out. Speaking of Phil, they weren't where they were supposed to be. Dan traced the warm spot on the couch next to him where Phil's body was supposed to be and even though it was probably all okay, Dan's heart raced faster when there was no sight of them.

Someone emerged from the corner, their shadow barely visible in the thick darkness that surrounded their apartment and then Dan felt a hand on his face to which the person who put it there jumped three meters behind. Phil squeaked slightly as they didn't expect Dan to be awake.

"Phil, what are you doing?? Dan asked in the groggiest voice he could pull. He stood up, his legs shaky from the awkward position he fell asleep in and his ankles cracking like he was an old lady.

Sometimes Dan wondered if he was even young or alive at all.

"I was trying to wake you up." Phil clarified apologetically, their fingers slightly scraping over the wall as they tried to find the light.

When the light illuminated the room with its sharp yellow light, Dan winced like it was physically hurting him.

Phil sat next to Dan, already fully clothed, like it was daytime and not just a few hours into Christmas.

Dan searched for his phone, only to realize that his clock was about to set off in two minutes. It seemed that Phil has managed to come to the finish line before him.

Dan had a surprise for Phil, but it seemed like Phil had a surprise for him too.

Naturally, Dan was as weak as he always was in this time of the day (night) and he only wanted to go back to sleep, this time in a more comfier place, like their bed.

Phil managed to drag Dan's ass off the couch and make him put on some clothes without any explanation. Soon enough, Dan finally managed to put on some warm clothes for this winter night and head off to wherever Phil wanted to go.

He promised himself that he would take Phil to his special place after Phil shows them what they want to show them.

-

There was a bright flash in front of them and Dan couldn't help but gasp.

It was unbelievable, this all was unbelievable. Dan couldn't believe what was in front of him.

It wasn't important what was in front of them, the thing that was more important was the fact that Phil has managed to make a Christmas surprise for him that Dan wanted to make too.

Their surprises were on the same place, the same fucking place.

Dan was literally out of breath, he couldn't help himself but laugh because this was too ironic and too funny for him to handle.

He loved amusement parks and his idea was to bring Phil to one because he just had a feeling that just maybe Phil would love it.

When he was a kid, he hated amusement parks. There was something about them that just set him off, and his parents were huge fans of amusement parks and circuses and stuff similar to that.

He liked how they looked but there was also something really terrifying about it.

The unfortunate thing about amusement parks are the fact that so much people swarm inside one place to have fun and it most definitely, one hundred percent guaranteed that someone will get hurt, someone will be lost or someone will lose their parents hand and cry for house until someone finds them and tells a little boy to act like a man.

The latter happened to Dan.

Long ago, when he was just a small kid, and when all he could actually see from the height he was on at that moment were people's legs and trousers, skirts and whatever they were wearing. He didn't like looking up that much, the old people scared him and he didn't know what to do.

Someone who was supposed to be holding his hand, let go off it, exactly when there was a bunch of people around them and Dan was carried away by the huge amount of people.

Soon enough, everything around him looked unfamiliar and scary.

The huge clown next to him was menacing, the little girl eating cotton candy looked like a serial killer, and the sugar stand looked like the most terrifying object in the entire existence.

He cried so hard, he could feel his eyes getting puffy and red. Everyone else around him ignored him. After all, it wasn't their job to sooth a crying kid.

After some time, and by some time, Dan meant thirty fucking minutes, his family found him and it was no big deal to them.

But it was a big deal to him.

He could never actually really step inside an amusement park without reliving that awful feeling of being alone and incapable of doing anything.

But something has changed inside him and when Phil arrived a whole bunch of his fear disappeared and this one was one of them.

The two of them were standing right outside the small amusement park which was in no way anything exciting but Phil seemed so hyped, Dan had to join on in the hype too.

"Let's go." Phil grabbed Dan's hand and headed over the hole in the fence. Dan stumbled right behind them, but then he remembered that they didn't need to do that.

Dan managed to stop Phil from running and turn them around to face him. "We don't need to do that."

As the both of them stopped, Phil turned around and their face was a mixture of confusion and impatience.

Dan dragged them to the other side where there were actually doors.

That was open.

In the middle of the night.

With absolutely no guards. There goes his paid ticket.

This was weird but at the same time exciting.

Phil decided to skip across inside and not tip toe inside like some criminal and there they were inside without anyone shouting after them how they need to go away.

Dan slowly entered the amusement park and stood there as he looked over at the London skyline.

There was a small amount of lights turned on in the people's houses and apartments and the atmosphere around them was as it always should've been.

Perfect, chilly, winter time.

This amusement park was like a combination of Winter Wonderland and the one on the Leatherhead road, which had a long name and Dan never really wanted to go there due to the fact that it kind of sounded posh, he thought that an amusement park that had the word Chessington inside wasn't worth seeing.

Those entire things aside, this amusement park was smaller but still kind of nice and it gave a good feeling which spread from his head to toes even though he was slightly freezing.

It's hard to keep up with the aesthetic and not suffer from the freezing temperatures.

Phil was running around, their coat flapping in the strong, cold wind as not one drop of rain fell on the ground. It was so weird in London when there was no rain, especially in winter days. The atmosphere is already so different.

Lucky for the two of them, they didn't have to hide under umbrellas tonight.

Phil sat in one of those cups that usually rotated while some creepy dance music played but the whole installation was stoic and Phil was just resting their legs on the fence.

Dan jumped inside right next to them, his head bumping against the other cup that was somehow stuck slightly above him and Phil.

The silence the two of them shared was not uncomfortable; it was soothing and unbelievable cozy to be in. Just like Uma Thurman said in Pulp Fiction. Dan couldn't believe that he actually found a person that satisfied his wishes.

Phil leaned against Dan and the two of them watched the stars that shined brighter tonight which was probably the effect of less lights being on.

It was so nice to stay still and breathe shallow while the silence was filled with miniature sounds of cars passing in the streets and trees touching each other in support as the wind mercilessly marched through the air.

Phil lifted their hand in the air and finally broke the silence, "hey, see that star?"

They reached for Dan's hand and pointed at one totally random star in the sky.

"Yeah?" Dan replied, waiting for something cute to come out of Phil's mouth.

"That one says you're a nerd."

Dan laughed so hard that the two of them almost fell out of the cup they were in, in this installation that people liked to call the ballerina, even though it was actually called Moulin Rouge.

Not that people actually knew about Moulin Rouge. Dan had to remind himself that not everyone is a big musical fan out there and that there's a bunch of people who don't care about art.

"Shut up. " Dan giggled the aftermath of the laughter and slipped deeper inside the seat and left his eyes to travel the sky.

It was unbelievable how Phil was learning all of the social interaction things so fast, almost faster than Dan could keep up with. Soon enough, Phil will be ready to function on their own and they won't need Dan to hold their hand as they go through life.

That made Dan more sad and bitter than he expected. He didn't want that, he wanted to be here for them all the time. Forever if needed.

It was time to get serious and Dan took his eyes off the sky and turned slightly towards Phil so he could see them in the eyes without having to break his neck while doing so.

"I try to find myself, but there is not an inch of me left in this shell of a body. And time still drags on. The endless winter, the cold freezing my fragile mask. The endless winters further freezing up my heart. There is so much emotion... The beauty of feeling must be there somewhere". Dan said way too poeticly even for his own liking.

Phil smirked for a second, their curled lips falling apart as they too turned around to see Dan.

"Was that from a poem or something?"

Dan leaned back and smiled. "No, it wasn't, those were my words."

"Well, it sounded really poetic, but like most poems, I don't understand this one." Phil clasped their hands and put them in their lap as their shoulder was leaned on the inside of the seat.

"I am just saying that i-"Dan stopped mid-sentence, what was he actually trying to say? "I just wanted to say that I don't know how to function properly, but I do know that when it comes to you, I will do anything to make sure you are okay."

Phil smiled and grabbed Dan's hand gently and squeezed it tightly.

"I know, you don't have to prove yourself to me. You've already proven yourself, quite a lot of times." Phil detached their hands and redirected their glance towards the dark night sky.

"You know, if we are already being poetic and shit, I could tell you something too." Phil added to which Dan's intrigue got ignited like never before.

Phil smiled faintly and looked to their right and left as if to see if someone will come.

"Okay, hear me out." Phil coughed, their eyes shining brightly in the dark as they composed their thoughts.

"I wake up some days and realise I'm a different person than the one I went to sleep as, and now, I look back on my life, and I realise it's okay. I realise there are universes within me."

Phil leaned back, satisfied with his little poem of sort and clicked his tongue in order to annouce the end of the poem.

"That's really beautiful. " Dan admitted impressed. "Care to explain."

Dan actually didn't need the explanation because he understood the meaning, but he wanted to hear it come from Phil's mouth.

"Well, I mean. Sometimes I feel like the world vanishes when I fall asleep and the walls sometimes fade away and I am standing alone in a long corridor without any mark of a living thing beside me." Dan nodded for him to continue.

"And I feel alone, just like I did before but then your hand touches mine and I am back where I am, grounded and safe. I feel safe; you make me feel safe, thank you for handling me and caring for me."

Phil finished; their cheeks red, maybe out of cold, maybe out of this confession. Who knows? Dan didn't really care if Phil felt embarrassed because there was nothing to be embarrassed about. He just wrapped them around in their arms and held them tight like they were about to escape.

They stayed like that for some time and as time passed their embrace didn't lose the intensity it originally had.

Some of us are born with blood in our mouth and some of us were born with care in our hands. Dan had the chance of making everything right and fixing things and admitting the things he did wrong. But it wasn't affecting Phil right now, so he decided to do nothing.

Maybe, Dan thought that he had care in his hands but actually the blood was pouring and oozing out of his mouth and one day it will be over and his façade will be taken down.

Until that day, he will mask his true state of mind and think about the things he has and keep the things he managed to grab along.

And then one day, a droplet of blood will fall on the ground and then it will be over.

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you guys do you like this chapter??
> 
> 4k words nice
> 
> also would you guys want to read a phan witch au??
> 
> i am thinking of writting that
> 
> votes and comment please, you keep me alive


	21. The End

POINTS, PLANS AND RESOLUTIONS!

Diary entry, January 30th.

It is January 30th, Monday morning.

It is six thirty am. The weather is breezy and cold, occasionally rainy. A day for odd movies, some might say. But today, all of those things are not possible. Phil is in a bad mood. They have been like that since Christmas (well, like just day after Christmas, their moodiness increased by one hundred). Unfortunately, Phil has caught a cold and it has been bugging them since New Year's Eve. I would have done anything that I could if this was someone else, but Phil has no ID, no birth certificate, no insurance, therefor no way of me taking them to the hospital. That is fucking with my head right now, honestly. What am I supposed to do about that? Hah. We are kind of lucky to be constantly shielded by things and occurrence because it would be a major catastrophe if someone managed to figure out that Phil is not out of this world.

Imagine if someone dropped by, like someone official, like police... We would be majorly screwed.

If we even told the story, they would think that we are all crazy.

I am still thinking about the day everything collapses, and my headaches are proving that those things might happen very soon.

I am afraid.

And I shouldn't be.

I don't have a reason.

But I should have one.

At least one, why not? I should put something as a goal and be afraid of it.

I am just rambling nonsense, I am sorry.

I don't even know why I am writing this. It's not like a piece of paper can help me.

POINT PROVEN, SOMETHING HAS CHANGED!

Something has changed, indeed, in Phil. Even though, I could easily put their weird behavior under the consequences of being sick, I, for sure know this time that I am right. And I am not right quite often.

But now I am sure.

So, yes, they are sick, but that's not the problem.

They are moody, shouty (if that's even a word, and by shouty I mean that they are shouting a lot).

Almost every single thing irritates them and as time is passing by, it is totally obvious that as much as I wanted everything to be fine, I don't think it will be.

I don't know what's going on.

I don't know how Phil got sick in the first place, they didn't get it from me, that's for sure.

A cold? A stupid cold. I can't take them to the doctor; I am so fucking annoyed by this.

I started this stupid diary exactly when Phil got sick. I thought it would be important to write down my observations and see how things have changed throughout this time.

I have managed to write down most things but I have forgotten to write a few days, but it's fine because nothing really happened that day.

All in all, life is not peachy right now. Obviously, I am a wreck and I am not sure if I can make Phil happy.

Things suck in general. It's Phil's birthday today. I bought them a present and yes, I know, material things blah, blah, blah, whatever, I like buying thing for Phil, honestly; this is the first time in my life that I actually like doing that.

I don't think I have ever enjoyed spending my money on anyone else.

So the thing that I bought is nothing special, but I've been eyeing out this cool case that Faber Castell is selling with art supplies in it and it looks fucking awesome. I cannot believe that I actually haven't bought it for myself but damn, I am at least going to make Phil happy with it, when I am already deciding not to give it to myself.

This story could be told throught the eyes of a mad man and you'd still believe every word I say.

Luckily, for you, this diary is only written by a twenty two year old, who doesn't really know how to console his best friend.

That is all.

Also, I did many mistakes but I hope that somehow, magically, they will all be forgiven one day.

P.S I am tired, I feel like I am fading within the surroundings. And I think it's phil's fault. But I would never blame them. I would never do that.

Xx I need to do more drawings I am lazy.

Sincerely, Dan Howell (honestly, why am I writing this diary this way? What am I? An emotionally compromised teenage girl? Probably.

-

Unfortunately, Dan had to endure another day of socializing and having "fun" with people, but today it was for a good cause, because it was for Phil's birthday and it was their first one. Dan had to make sure everything goes by plan and that nobody does any stupid shit.

That was probably the hardest thing.

Possibly the biggest thing he had to take care of was to make sure nobody breaks anything. Just as he was thinking about that, he heard a loud crash coming from the other room, alongside a few curses.

Great.

Phil shouted apologetically, "it's just a bowl, nothing big." This was then followed by an occasional giggle. That fucker.

"Sure." Dan replied, his smile spreading on his lips. He could never really be angry at Phil for a long time.

They obviously had some power over him, that Dan couldn't explain and neither could Phil. Maybe, Phil wasn't even aware of that. Maybe, Phil just rolled around in life thinking that Dan is some cool chill dude.

Wow, what a mistake that would be if someone actually thought that.

Dan was throwing Phil a birthday party because after all, they deserved it. And even though, this was just a made up date for Phil, it still meant a lot. Picking a date doesn't mean anything, the point is to celebrate and have fun and that is what they are intending to do.

Every single friend Dan has will come to the party.

Including Chris.

Dan could already feel Chris's evil and sad glance throughout the whole night as he sulks around like a snake.

But then again, could Dan really blame Chris for being simply rational? No, he couldn't. It's not Chris's fault. It's entirely Dan's fault and one day, there will come a time when everything will fall on his back, but until then he will sulk and slightly accuse Chris of being the evil guy, even though, he's definitely not.

He's just being realistic.

Something Dan is not.

Phil crashed something again and this time Dan wasn't really feeling the chill vibe anymore, he furiously discarded the notebooks he was holding and headed through the hallways to where Phil was sitting on the floor, in their bedroom.

"What have you broken now?" Dan leaned on the hinges of the open door that lead into their room and cross examined it for some sort of damage.

Phil just stood up and wiped their hands on their jeans, their eyes following Dan's suspicious glance towards every crushable object in the room.

"What is it exactly that you are looking for?"

Phil spread their arms, a little bit pissed off, a little bit of agitated because they were still sick.

Dan looked around once more around the room and as his eyes glanced over the surfaces in their bedroom, he realized he was wrong.

Again.

Phil murmured something under their breath and Dan wasn't even intending to ask what kind of an insult they threw at him. He decided to retreat back from where he came from and finish what he started doing.

After all, today was Phil's birthday and he needed to clean up, because the guests were coming in, in just a few hours.

Suddenly, his mom mode was on and he needed to make the place spotless.

The cloth and the cleaning products were in the bathroom and his mom mode would be seriously on if he didn't get something that got his eye twitchy right before he entered the bathroom.

There was a canvas in the hallway that wasn't there before. And it wasn't just a canvas, it was the canvas.

Fear spread like a sick virus all over Dan's body as his shuddery hands touched the empty, clean, white and sterile surface that was supposed to be scorched into tiny pieces.

He never told that to anyone, but after some time has passed and the two of them finally lived together and operated as something looking like a married couple, Dan decided to destroy the canvas and never tell Phil that he did that.

He thought that any chances of Phil leaving him would be erased by that, but now, this motherfucker showed up somehow, who knows how? Was the canvas the thing that made the crushable sound? Was it something else? Did someone put it here? No, that's not possible. It's simply not possible for someone to even enter their apartment, he could see them or Phil would.

It's just not possible, no, no, no, no and no.

Phil emerged somewhere behind him and Dan had to admit to himself that he fucking flinched like he was in a stupid horror movie.

"Is everything alright?" Phil asked, their glasses tipped a little bit down their nose, their hands rubbing against Dan's shoulders in order to soothe them.

"Yeah, sure. Everything is fine."

Dan blatantly lied.

Phil smirked at him, disbelievingly. Their glance travelled to the floor and to the empty canvas that they most definitely recognized.

"Oh, wow, is that-?"

"Yeah, it is." Dan cut them off.

Phil and Dan stared at the floor for a good amount of time and definitely longer than they should have. The canvas didn't move. Logically. It was just a canvas after all, one harmless piece of paper connected to wood. Nothing else.

No reason to be afraid of it.

Yet again, Dan felt like it was the most horrifying object in their apartment, city, and continent.

Phil just casually bent down to take it and carried it to their bedroom and leaned it on the wall that was opposite of their small bed.

Dan gasped a little when Phil just took it and leaned it on the wall; he was expecting for the canvas to swallow them whole and then for the whole world to collapse but that didn't happen.

So weird.

There was some small chattering right outside their door and Dan could recognize PJ's voice from a mile.

He ran to the door and opened it right before the bell rang. His whole group of friends shrieked a bit when he opened it unexpectedly with a huge grin on his face.

PJ and Louise were the first to come, alongside two of their others friends that they invited.

They were all dressed in white and it was kind of unsettling to see all of them wearing such smart clothes while Dan was still rocking out his all black aesthetic or bust outfit.

They came in and there was a few moment of silence until they saw Phil in the hallway and then the usual, happy birthday's speeches came along, hugs and kisses and PJ then asked Phil how old they are to which Phil froze in place.

"I am twenty six."

Phil bit their lip and looked up through their eyelashes at Dan who was hiding his grin with his hand.

Of course, Phil made themselves four years older than Dan, they like to pretend that it's actually like that, but who knows? Maybe Phil actually is older than him. They do strike a bit older than Dan, but it's hard to guess when someone has a baby face just like the two of them.

Phil giggled slightly as they saw Dan's raised eyebrow and then they proceeded to hug Louise tighter as she handed them some gifts that Phil was so delighted to see.

From art supplies, papers, canvases, art stuff in general, paintings to candles and tea (that came from PJ and Dan was like what the fuck, but whatever, it was earl grey so it didn't matter, but still why tea?)

Soon, after some time has passed all of their (previously just Dan's) friends were there, chatting, playing music and mischievously lurking in the background (Chris).

Dan pointed at his eye and then at Chris to let him know the message he was trying to get across. Chris just smirked sadly, sighed and turned around and continued talking to the plus one he brought with him, probably some boring person from work.

Phil was having fun and that was all that mattered in this moment, their social skills have improved by hundred since they first met and all this casual chattering they were having with all of their friends was astonishing. It felt like pieces of Phil were finally getting together and those pieces were building them into a real person.

They were already a real person, but this kind of felt like a cherry on top.

They were conversing with everyone, forming their own opinions, and standing up to people (including Dan) which was so refreshing to see. Dan didn't want to be agreed with all the time, that was simply boring and it felt like Phil wasn't forming their own thoughts, but took Dan's and tried to make it look like it was their own.

There was no haziness in the room, everything was perfectly clear for the first time. The weather outside was probably a reflection of what was happening inside this room and inside Dan's soul. It was perfectly clear; the sky, the streets, the windows opposite their building. It looked sterile and in the same time upsetting. Nothing should ever be perfectly clear and clean.

Nothing.

There was a knock on the door which was followed by a ring after no one heard it for the first time. Dan looked around to see if someone was missing and soon he concluded that absolutely no one was about to come to their apartment because everybody was already there.

He suspiciously scanned the room, his eyes trying to find Chris but when he did find him, there was nothing to be worried about; he looked like his old self. Chris was casually leaning on the wall, his eyes travelling around really softly, without any malicious intent as he talked to Cat about art? Maybe? Dan couldn't hear it from here.

Phil went to the door and Dan shrieked inside.

Nobody heard the doorbell but somehow the birthday kid heard it.

How in the hell?

The feeling of fear snapped inside Dan and he practically made a run for it to the door, through the living room, to the hallway before Phil managed to touch the knob.

He didn't even try to look through the spy hole; he just opened the door far and wide and saw a man who he never saw before. One shorter man was smiling awkwardly at him from below because he was much shorter while Dan made the most disgusted face in the world.

"Who are you?" Dan cocked his eyebrow at this random person while Phil stepped from behind the two of them and waved at the obviously known person.

Phil made space for themselves as they stepped in front and waved at the man. "This is Dean, Dan. He is my friend."

Dan stepped back and looked at Phil. Who in the fuck's name was dean? Where the fuck did they meet? Dan has never met Dean before and for all it looks like, it seemed like Dean has never met Dan before.

They exchanged weird glances.

"Where did you meet?" Dan redirected his glance and hostile stance towards Phil.

Phil apologetically stepped back and let Dean in.

Dan awkwardly smiled as he shrugged his coat off. "Wow, clingy much."

Dan was already on edge and he really didn't need some stranger to give him lessons on how he behaves. Especially, not from someone like Dean, whoever the fuck he was.

There was a split second silence before Phil answered. "I met him at the gallery. Calm down." Phil shrugged Dan's questions like it was nothing and continued to talk to Dean who was more than happy to be here, celebrating his friend's birthday.

You know those moments when the volcano hasn't erupted yet but is making smoke and throwing little rocks out right before erupting. Yep, that was Dan currently.

When did they meet at the gallery? Literally, every single moment Dan has spent at the art fair was by Phil's side. They were literally attached by the hip.

"Fucking great." Dan said, his voice wobbly, even though he tried to repress it and hide it and not let anyone see that he is mildly terrified by what's happening to him and Phil right now.

Dean was also dressed in white and if this was some weird symbolic he was not seeing than he will gladly catapult himself to Mars and never come back.

When he thought about it more clearly, he remembered that the only time Dan was separated from Phil was when Chris asked him to talk to him. And that was when that evil smirk appeared on Dan's face. The faces in the crowd of fifteen people were so gentle and Dan felt like the devil itself.

Dan found Chris's face soon enough, it wasn't a big apartment; it wasn't really like Chris was hiding. Apparently, Christ dropped his act and his serious tone was back as Cat wondered off to talk to Hazel about something important.

Un-fucking-believable.

This motherfucker (Chris, if you haven't figured that out already), pointed at Dean who was talking to Phil and greeting other people and smirked like there was no tomorrow.

Dan was erupting, that was it.

The volcano finally reached its final phase.

The lava was pouring out in all directions and Dan couldn't stop it and he couldn't save anyone that was close to him.He knew there would come a day when he would snap but he didn't know it would be this soon.

Dan looked back at Phil, who was calm and happy at the moment and cursed himself for ruining this day.

There was a little commotion out there in the kitchen and when Dan looked back, he realized that Chris was not in his eyesight anymore. A slight sting of panic appeared in his chest and Dan was about to fucking punch himself if he needed to make it stop but there was no point really; he would just draw attention to himself even more.

God, what has Dan got himself into? Going behind your friend's back? Being mad at someone who will only spit the truth in the face?

He made his way towards the hallway to be alone for a few seconds, but it seemed like he couldn't get any rest there so he decided to go to their room and lay down a bit until his stomach gets better. There was something twisting inside and Dan could feel like he was about to throw up.

And after the feeling of throwing up passed, he could feel his stomach throbbing in pain like someone was cutting him open.

It hurt like a bitch, and yet he made absolutely no sound when it happened.

He collapsed on the bed, his legs crossing and then untwining again and closing closer to his chest.

Dan felt like a child again, the pain flowing from his head to toes, finally wrapping his entire body into one big mess of pain.

It can't get any worse than this, can it? Dan thought.

Dan was wrong.

Chris stepped out of the shadow, his posture threating and stance careful.

Dan turned around from him, his back now on fire as he felt targeted by his friend that hasn't spoken a word yet. There were small, quiet steps behind him made by Chris, they were unusually quiet for him, he usually walked on his heels and the sound coming now was completely different. In some moments, Dan could swear that there were no sounds at all.

Were there any sounds at all? Was Chris behind him? What was going on? Was he okay? Was his mind sane? Was this all some kind of a game? Who was that Dean kid that came to Phil's birthday party and why didn't Dan ever see him before, he literally knew everyone from the gallery?

Chris finally spoke up, his throat producing a sound that both made Dan happy and terrified.

"When will you tell the truth?" The accusing words left Chris's mouth and landed on Dan like the heavy rain that fell just a second ago on the soil that was barely there. Now, the view from his window in their bedroom showed white, just white, nothing else.

Dan stood up to see the scenery that just wasn't there, there were no trees, and the building next door just wasn't there.

Dan turned around to see Chris who was faintly smiling at him like this was all a dream and like all of this was what he was waiting for.

What the hell is going on?

"I tried to warn you a thousand times, but you never listened." Chris landed his hand on Dan's left shoulder which only made Dan even more uncomfortable. The weather outside was nonexistent and Dan couldn't even hear a bit of wind anymore. The chatter outside still existed; he could hear Phil cracking their awful puns to which Louise laughed really loudly.

At least, someone enjoyed and appreciated their puns.

Chris's hand waited a ton now and his shoulder felt unbelievably dead now. The room felt stripped away of everything, it didn't have a character anymore, the paintings on the wall melted with the wall and the little plant by the window started to become more transparent as time passed by, as those little seconds ticked away and as Dan started to lose his head completely.

"What the fuck are you talking about, Chris?" Dan coughed, his throat hoarse and his trachea hard to breathe through. He couldn't help but feel nervous when he saw Chris's stoic face and his calm expression upon their face as Dan literally fell apart.

He could feel his hands going through his tangled hair and touching his sweaty forehead.

This was too much.

He didn't know what to do.

There was no one who could help him.

"Wake up, Dan!" Chris shouted his voice finally angry and his eyebrows drawing together as the calmness finally dwindled down. "This is not something you can cast aside. You are keeping Phil here, it's time to remember everything and let them be. You fucking need-"

There was it, the punch. It happened, of course it did. Dan couldn't help but resort to something he never wanted to do. Violence, such a simple horrible thing.

Could it get any worse?

Of course it could.

Phil ran into the room and the colors lit up again.

Chris was on the floor; their lip busted and blood pouring out of the place where Dan barely punched him with his weak fists and arms.

The rain could be heard outside, the rain drops hitting the window sill violently in a rhythm unknown to Dan.

Chris was still lying on the floor, still slightly in shock, his eyes focused on Dan's and then Phil's as he expected someone to help him but no one was giving a hand.

The raindrops lessened in their violent outburst on the earth and the greyness of the sky perfectly landed on Phil's face and the ash and silver mixed on their face and showed disappointment.

Something Dan never wanted to see on Phil's face, but here they were and here it was.

"What the hell is going on?" Phil's tone rose with every word they said until they were practically screaming.

It was visible that there was a certain moment where Phil couldn't handle this anymore and their expression turned sour and the pain increased by eleven until they were on the floor too and the only person left standing was Dan.

Phil's birthday party was officially over; all of the people there disappeared and were no longer to be seen in their apartment.

It didn't take long until Dan started feeling pain again that spread in his lower stomach which made him descend to his knees, his hands pathetically trying to find the source of the pain on the surface.

His search was in vain. The pain was coming right from inside, there were no superficial wounds. Abrasions and grazes could be found nowhere.

Dan finally and completely sank to the floor and now he could see the little particles of dust floating to the floor, staying there and then disconnecting again and flying away to a better place.

Phil was in immense pain and Dan couldn't hold the tears back from slipping out. It was too hard to see them scrunching up their nose as their body had to hold back the cramps that held their body from functioning.

"What, I don't -, what is going on?" Phil whispered through gritted teeth, their cheeks red from holding their breath too much, and the veins on their neck looking awfully out of place.

Chris inhaled sharply as pain electrified his body too and as much as it hurt him, he managed to direct an evil glance at Dan and whisper-shout, "how about you tell the truth? You are the one not letting Phil go!"

Phil's eyes went wide and they goggled as much as they could as a shier moment of panic flashed in front of their eyes and their mouth wanted to form a question but the cramps increased and they only managed to form a sound of pain that escaped their mouth.

Dan didn't know what Chris was talking about, what was going on, what the hell, why are they all on the floor experiencing pain they've never felt before?

Dan couldn't speak and even if he could, what would he say? He didn't know what was going on.

The silence was bitter and the raindrops on the window steadily dripped down the glass and as Dan's eyes started to close, the pain slowly sending him in a shock, the rain drops turned blue, then white and then red, then crimson and then Dan wasn't sure if it was raining anymore. It looked like blood.

Was it blood?

Was it?

-

I have never taken a photo of a friend. I have only ever drawn them. I know people come and go and before they leave I want to have every line of their face implanted in my brain from when my pencil went back and forth putting their soul on the paper. I wanted rough and sketchy. Because they had sharp edges and all their photos were blurry.

-extracts from a long lost memory

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOAH DUDES  
> you are all probably confused a lot
> 
> but all will be explained
> 
> unfortunately, this fic will be over soon
> 
> but don't fret, it will have at least 5.6 chapters i hope
> 
> also votes and comments
> 
> your thoughts are relevant and important
> 
> i love you all
> 
> (also this chapter has 4.3 words, that ain't so bad but it ain't good either)


	22. Baby blue

Push, start, press and continue.

-

There weren't supposed to be any liquid substances on the floor, there wasn't supposed to be any atrocities painted on the walls and on the small moldings that kept the parquet together, but it was there. All in all, a horror story in short.

There was a quiet sound somewhere behind them or somewhere in front of them, the space around them was changing and the room was collapsing every second.

Imagine a bunch of cubes jumping up and down the room in the same pattern over and over until your head is dizzy and the acid in the pit of your stomach is making you throw up even though the floor is supposed to be solid and firm but it isn't because there is something wrong. There is something so wrong but you don't have the power to figure it out.

Imagine thousand needles pocking right in all the spaces you never wanted them to, but they never get too deep, they just scrape the surface, just so you can be irritated and exasperated.

Imagine a force weighting you down like the gravitational pull, but it's not pulling you down, it's pulling you up.

And everything basic, all the laws of physics, don't work.

They never did actually.

Dan was actually the one imagining everything to work properly in this little world of theirs.

Did he really think that life would just pass them like this? Easily? Without any question, without second-guessing and without any consequences?

The world built itself and the walls were the same color again, the same old worn out paint that started to peel off long ago and the window sill still slightly open just like it was left there and enough for Dan to see the little drops of rain dripping down the window and slowly entering their apartment as the surface beneath them became subjected to the moist.

The trees outside finally swung in the dark day, as the only colors outside were shadow, iron and smoke grey. The buildings opposite their own was sad-looking and monotone more than usual, this time it looked like it was about to mope about its problems to Dan and to Phil to which Dan would not be listening.

And neither would Phil.

Speaking of Phil, Dan looked back to where they were lying now.

It was exceptionally painful to look at their motionless body as it didn't move, not even an inch.

Dan crawled back to where Phil was, his mind completely forgetting the outside world and the fact that the entire world doesn't exist but for their building and the one opposite them.

Their face wasn't even completely grey; it took over this awful shade of a coin grey color and their lips looked thinner than usual which was literally the worst thing ever, it's not like they had big plump lips so that now they looked normal, they looked sunken and pale, almost as if Phil was dying.

Oh, shit.

Was Phil dying?

There was blood all over and it was still pouring, its slow movement could be heard as it slipped from who knows where. Dan crawled closer to Phil and cradled their face in his hands as he inspected if their head was injured or damaged in any way. It looked like there was nothing to be afraid of when it came to their head, no ruptures and no bruises could be found.

Dan shook their hand violently and then their whole arm in order to see if any reaction came from them.

Nothing happened.

Not one muscle moved.

It was extremely concerning and unsettling to see a lifeless Phil just lying there, their muscles still, and their body unable of showing any life signs.

Dan pressed his index finger under Phil's jawline exactly where their pulse is supposed to be and he waited for a few seconds to sense something under his finger.

Meanwhile, his glance redirected itself towards the rest of the room where everything was the same as it was before, there was only one thing missing.

Chris.

Where did that motherfucker go?

Dan had to remind himself what was important to him and it was the person who was still lying on the floor, completely lifeless and their pulse was nonexistent apparently.

Their pulse was nonexistent.

That made Dan freak out, his breathing sharpened and it scraped his insides as he tried to calm himself down under this serious attack of a possibility that Phil could be dead and that the world is falling apart.

Dan had to stifle his cries until it was time to actually cry and he had to turn over his entire mind to actually remember if Phil ever had a pulse. After all, they did step out of a drawing; maybe breathing or living wasn't essential for them as a normal human being.

It was so unfortunate that even after three months of living together, Dan still couldn't remember some basic stuff about Phil and what was more unfortunate was the fact that Dan started to forget stuff that happened to two of them as time passed even though Phil could remember it clearly.

He felt like their roles were switching.

Phil was becoming the one who knew more and Dan was the oblivious one who was in constant need of someone holding his hand as he did the most basic stuff.

His mind wandered off and he realized that he was doing absolutely nothing at this moment but sitting on the floor and looking at one point on the wall. Dan recollected himself and looked over phil. Every time his glance travelled over their body, he got shivers all over his body.

The important thing now was to check where the fuck was all the blood coming from and as Dan was afraid to see what was beneath Phil, he still had to grab some courage and check the source of the blood.

Phil's white shirt was blood soaked in pitchfork red and as if on cue, Dan's worst nightmares were about to fulfill. There was only one step left and that was to lift their shirt and see the wound.

Dan grabbed the hem of Phil's shirt and started to pull it up somewhere to the top of their ribcage. His hand brushed against the soft and pale skin on Phil's stomach to reveal absolutely nothing.

There was no blood there, there were no stab wounds, and there wasn't even a bruise.

There was just Phil.

There was a split second of time where Dan was currently on the floor but in the next moment he was already few months back in time. His mind worked in mysterious ways and yes, this time was another time for a flashback, he just hoped it wasn't a bad one.

Luckily, for him, it was a normal, ordinary memory, but important nonetheless.

It was just a few days after they met, maybe a week, eight day tops, when Phil had a small accident with this kitchen knife as they were trying to chop of an apple for the two of them after Dan spent an entire morning teaching them how to properly chop fruit and eat normally like any other person.

Of course, it took Phil hours to even hold themselves straight as they ate without slouching or just lowering themselves from the chair to the floor.

Sometimes it seemed like Phil just liked lying on the floor and Dan couldn't really protest that.

He supported lying on the floor. Lying on the floor is cool.

That afternoon, Phil carefully and unfortunately very slowly took apples and other fruit in their hands and started peeling it all off, but still eating the crust because it was full of C vitamin as Dan said, and in one moment the knife slipped too fast and it hit the top of Phil's index finger. Phil stepped back from the knife and from the apples that were all cut pretty much perfectly now and Dan quickly took band aids he had in the locker in one of the cabinets he had in his kitchen.

Phil just stared at the smallest cut in the world and looked at the wound as if it was something extraordinary and amazing. The smallest drop of blood appeared that Phil touched and it smeared between their fingers, the color now more transparent then before even though it was still a crimson red color that overran over their index finger and thumb.

There wasn't a big wound at all but Phil was both mesmerized and terrified of the little blob of blood that appeared on their skin like they didn't expect there to be something beneath their outside form that could easily escape their body in the slightest attempt to do something as fundamental as peeling apples.

Dan approached them closer and they didn't share a single word, mostly because there was nothing they could say but also because at that time Phil really wasn't much for talking.

They were sitting on the kitchen counter, on the spot that was actually clean, after waiting for a few seconds for Dan to get the band aids. He came back with a blue box where it said "brand adhesive bandages" as if it was something really special and not just a piece of fabric connected to a sticky part that would stop a small wound from bleeding more.

Dan wrapped their finger around and it was a little bit impossible to actually stick it properly because Phil had the biggest amount of luck with this as they managed to cut themselves right at the top of their finger which was almost impossible to wrap the band aid around without it being all crumpled and shit.

There was a split second of deciding what to do next and Dan did something he didn't thought he would do and he just raised their hand to their mouth and kissed the spot where it hurt the most. Dan just did it for a second but long enough to leave himself and Phil confused and flustered a bit.

Phil looked at him through their eyelashes, evident confusion portrayed on their faces and their mouth ready to ask what was that for, but Dan pushed the question away even without it being said, he just smiled and tucked that little bit of hair behind Phil's ear.

This was actually the first time they showed any affection towards each other and it definitely wasn't the last one.

After that day, the two started sharing kisses on the cheek without any shame or without being flustered, their hands linking very often even when they were in the streets, outside, in the supermarket and they did get weird looks from old and even young people but they didn't care, they did not care at all.

All of those moments replayed in Dan's head as they actually stared in front of them, Phil's lifeless body still in the same position it has been since Dan started having this flashback, the pool of blood starting to stench a bit and harden more, the liquid starting to look like something that has been there long before.

All of those moments where Phil was lively, happy and screamed and sang punk songs with him, their voice deep and completely not good at singing were like a long lost memory because all Dan could see was a body who's body temperature was dropping, their pulse appearing but slower than before and their forehead and jet black hair covered in sweat.

"I am so sorry, Phil." Dan muttered out the quiet apology, hoping that Phil could hear him as the quietest sounds left Dan's mouth.

Their hair was in their face and Dan pulled it back so that their forehead was absent of their hair. It was in vain, why did Dan even do that? Now, he could clearly see how much Phil's face was pale in its entirety.

"I am so sorry, Phil, please, when you wake up-"if you wake up, Dan thought to himself. "Please, don't be mad at me. I did some horrible things, and I let you down so many times even without you knowing."

"I am sorry for being the biggest piece of shit and for-for, reacting badly to things and reacting to them without any feelings, I am so sorry, I know that I-" a muffled sob came from Dan, his emotions barely in check when it came to Phil. He could feel when it was something about Phil, but when something horrible happened to other people, he just didn't care and then he was simply emotionless. He was a monster, he knew it, and he couldn't fix it. Unfortunately, he didn't even try, even though he said he did.

"I am sorry for being a dipshit sometimes." Dan laughed through tears, the stupid liquid flowing everywhere, dropping to the floor, just like his hopes for Phil to wake up, their body colder and colder and Dan's incapability to call the doctor because let's face it, he never knew the number and there was nobody to call to, Phil didn't have an ID, no insurance and no nothing and when he looked outside of the window, it was obvious that the hospital or even the rest of the street didn't exist anymore.

There was nothing anymore, there was just white, dirty white everywhere, like someone pulled a sheet over the whole city.

This was a moment in his life when he felt the loneliest and he felt lonely a lot in his lifetime.

He recalled the time when Chris was still a good friend to him, when he sent him a text alongside a picture of Phil on the couch where he excitingly answered with some foolish things which made Dan annoyed but now, it was a good memory.

Dan recalled how Chris became more and more annoyed and groggy as times passed and every time Chris saw Phil, he looked mad, angry but also sad at the same time. Dan prescribed it to being jealous but now, when the street was nonexistent, Dan started to pull the pieces together. The pieces he tried to discard constantly throughout Phil's stay started to fall together and make a clear picture, a picture he tried not to see, and a picture he tried to throw away as something impossible.

But now, his doubts were real and he just needed Phil to confirm them.

As if on cue, Dan heard the quietest cough and then Phil erupted with a full blown cough in which they coughed up the biggest amount of blood Dan saw in his entire life. He let out a shriek, his eyes scanning over their body and his eyes finding Phil's but there was something weird about it, the shade of their eyes was more transparent than it was before and the baby blue color was even more lighter than before.

"Phil, can you hear me? Look at me!" Dan shouted, their lungs seizing as the shouting got gradually louder.

Phil was obviously disoriented, their eyes were wide as saucers and they were having a full blown panic attack as they clutched onto Dan's arm for support, droplets of blood still dripping from their mouth and down their chin.

They finally concentrated enough to look Dan right in his eyes and their disappointed look made Dan's heart drop to the floor and crash and break into millions pieces.

Phil clutched tighter onto Dan's shirt and whispered in a broken tone.

"How could you do this to me?"

And that was the moment Dan knew that this was truly the end.

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW CLIFFHANGER LMAO
> 
> there will be at least 4 more chapters! and i thought of making like a chapter just for your questions because i feel like it will be neccesary but we will get there. no need to do it rn
> 
> also don't fret
> 
> i will start writting another phan when i finish this one, it will be here on wattpad and on ao3, so yeah, i think that one will be more fun than this one, it won't be that deep but it will have a mysterious plot so yeah embrace yourself for that
> 
> also votes and comments are the shit pls tell me your thoughts
> 
> i feel like now you can already tell what is going on lmao
> 
> or maybe don't hahah
> 
> this chapter only has 2.6 k words, i am so weak i gotta step up my game


	23. Fragments

One day your home will be merely just a stop.

When you go away and when you change the places you frequent,  
your home will become a stop.

One day when you forget about the places you used to love.  
Those days will mark the end.

Because those places wont bring the memories back and those places will disappear like small leaves going cascading as the sun gets covered by the clouds.

In that moment you'll realize that those places meant a lot.

In that moment you'll realize you wished for the world to stop.

-

Every moment is made out of little things, little touches, soft, quiet sounds, gazing and words that are soon forgotten under the pressure of feeling everything all at once. Glory often fades and friendships die way too often in someone's lifetime. It's no wonder that people feel pain a lot and not just in the physical sense of the meaning, people feel inner pain even more than they realize. Sometimes emotional pain causes more suffering that the individual feels or recognizes it. Sometimes it moves past you completely invisibly. The more you think about it, the more you'll realize that those times, those days, months or years have been pain and pain and nothing but pain, but people cast that aside.

The point of not recognizing pain is the moment of someone's downfall.

That means that your soul has gone through so much that when someone messes with you, you don't even have the energy to see through it. Or maybe those situations become something completely normal and that person gets twisted in the whirlpool of something that is not sane and not normal and most of all not healthy.

Those constant headaches that people like to casually forget and say "eh, it will pass" are a product of the murder inside someone.

Oh well, or maybe some people just like to be fake deep.

Even in the last moments.

Dan is shivering; his body is like a leaf on the winter wind, his skin cold to touch and his insides twisting as much as they can.

Fear.

Fear is causing this and we all know, goddamn too well, that fear is the number one reason of all failures and all misconceptions made by humans. All the mistakes made in important moments have been a direct influence of one's fear. It's not something to be weirded out.

Fear is a primal feeling.

It has been there since forever and it will be there to the end of times.

It hurts to think that something so fucked up will always be there when you yourself are expendable and to be wasted away one day, or in the next minute, depends who you are and what your situation is.

Dan knew this feeling all too well and he knew that his soul and him, himself will be wasted away soon, something that he didn't want to be, something that he tried to avoid as much as possible.

There's nothing poetic about disappearing, there is nothing poetic about death, but there is a bit of truth there when someone says that death is something completely less badly than disappearing.

Because yes, after all, when you die, a fraction of people remember you for a time, it doesn't matter if it's a month or a day, or if you are someone who did a lot of change, maybe years, decades or centuries, but disappearing, fucking disappearing is worse. Why, you may ask? Because when you disappear even the people who knew you will forget you and the impression you left on those people would be gone with you.

Gone with the wind, with the storm, with the rain and with the past impression of yourself.

Dan tried to stop the physical consequences of the pain he was going through and the fear that was wrapping his insides into a one big mess, but Phil's groggy expression and the obvious anger in their eyes weren't helping his current situation.

Phil woke up.

Finally, they did.

Those quiet words that left their mouth were enough to leave Dan gasping for air.

What was he supposed to do? Was he supposed to pretend not to know? Could he manage to do that without Phil realizing that he's lying? Probably not, Phil is smart.

Phil was on their feet, their face painting an angry picture and their long fingers pressed against their palms strongly, boldly determined to smash something.

The first thing to go down was the canvas in the living room and it went out with a loud crash, Phil's hands ripping the surface and making holes, their hands breaking the frame and the crossed stitched canvas completely falling apart right at their feet.

Phil was angry and Dan could only hope for the best, but by their reaction Dan should actually expect the worst. They have probably seen it all, and now they were returning it back to him out of anger.

Even though anger is pouring out of all of Phil's pores, their tears are still gliding down their beautiful face. Phil made an abrupt stop in their destruction and turned to where Dan was sitting on the floor, their face looking for something on Dan's, maybe a sign of guilt, fear or remorse.

But Dan is just looking at them and their face is completely the same.

"I want an explanation." Phil says, after so many sounds were produced by them just not by speaking. Their bottom lip is trembling and Dan would do anything to stop it but there it is, just showing him that Phil is fucking distressed and Dan wants to cry so hard right now, but even though Phil is fucking shaken to the grounds of their being, they are still standing strong, right there and then and not moving, requesting the thing Dan doesn't want to give.

"I don't know what you are talking about." Dan slips out the lie, his thoughts already haunting him because he managed not to suck it up and be a person he is supposed to be.

Why did I lie, why did I lie, why can't I stop lying, why can't I suck it up and confess? Dan thought to himself.

Phil screamed, their lungs giving out on the end of the short termed scream Dan most definitely didn't expect. Dan rushed past the broken things Phil has managed to dump around their living room in the smallest amount of the destruction time they had.

Dan touched Phil's arm and Phil grabbed his hand too tightly, and not gently like they used to.

"I want an explanation." Phil repeated, their voice almost coming to a growl this time and making an emphasis on the word "explanation". Their hands gripped tighter around Dan's arm and even though it hurt like a bitch, Dan still knew that any contact between the two of them is still good, it was better to have any contact than for Phil not to want to touch him at all.

There was a split second of silence before Phil started to scream again, their voice echoing through their apartment and through the street that was nonexistent now. Their face started to get red until it looked like crimson red was about to flow from their face and paint the incredibly white space around their house and the house opposite them. Dan just stared ahead, somewhere between Phil's pupils and their irises that were a slightly lighter shade of their blue eyes. He remembered the first time Phil came to him, the first time they actually met, that morning when Dan freaked out and when he thought Phil was nothing more than a creature. Dan should have known that his life would be turned for a good one eighty degrees. Everything changed and he doesn't regret any of it, nor he ever will.

How could he regret all the times he spent with Phil? How could he forget the time when they went out and danced so much that their feet hurt so immensely the next day that they didn't even want to get out of bed the day after or what about that day they went to the tattoo parlor when Phil got a tattoo and Dan was scared and impressed at the same time because Phil was finally making their own decisions without Dan's influence.

How could he forget?

Forgetting wasn't up to Dan anymore, it was up to Phil and it was their decision and their decision only on whether they will choose to remember it or not.

Dan lied too many times to Phil and not just little lies but one big lie that was constantly hiding between everything they did, together or not.

Phil finally stopped shouting.

And silence fell on the quiet ground of their apartment.

Phil walked away from Dan, their feet shuffling quietly as they sat next to the window; their eyes fixated on the scenery that was no long there, the whiteness of the outside flowing over their face, whitening it even more than it was before.

"I need an explanation." Phil repeated for the third time, their hand grazing over the smooth surface on the dirty window, their head turning once again to Dan.

"I don't know-"Dan tried to say, his voice shaky and unstable.

"Are you kidding me?" Phil jested, his face showing disappointment.

Phil pointed out of the window to the white sky, actually, to where the sky is supposed to be, their face in a mock expression, "What?-"Phil paused to breath in, "did you think that I wouldn't notice?"

Dan crouched next to Phil, his hand going after their shoulder but immediately flinching back due to the hostility that was surrounding Phil at the moment.

"What happened back there?" Dan whispers, his words barely reaching Phil's ears. "What happened when you blacked out? Were you there?"

Phil turned their head, their eyes bloated and red from crying and a flinch of disgust flashed their face as they inhaled deeply. Dan toned down the sadness growing in his chest. The last time he saw Phil that sad was when they watched Waterworld and Phil didn't really like the idea of the whole world being destroyed so they cried for the whole night but Dan was there to comfort them. Also, the idea of Kevin Costner leaving the people on that island also wasn't something Phil enjoyed.

But now, Phil wasn't letting Dan close.

There was a moment where Phil's face softened and Dan was almost absolutely sure that Phil wasn't mad anymore, but Phil shook their head and returned the sour face they were having since they woke up and it was almost like they needed to remind themselves that they were mad and that they want answers.

"Please, Phil. Tell me-"Dan shook their arm but Phil flinched in disgust.

Dan was being too fucking persistent and he needed to know.

He needed to know what Phil saw. He needed to know whether to continue lying or to suck it up and finally confess the things he has been keeping inside for some time. The things that people warned him about, the things that were there from the other world that he hid from Phil and other things that surely pointed out the truth.

After all, people never really notice things unless you point it out for them.

Chris pointed it out for Dan because somehow his friend managed to realize more than he did, more than the person who was constantly around Phil Lester.

How was that possible?

Maybe, that was the answer. Dan didn't realize what was truly going on just because he was too close to Phil. He attached himself to them and didn't want to let go in any given moment.

Dan reached out once again towards his best friend, towards his soul mate, his hand almost wrapping around Phil's shoulder when they flinched again and violently shook it from their shoulder.

It was obvious that Phil wasn't just mad anymore, they were boiling with rage and Dan couldn't really blame them.

"Phil, please-"Dan was cut off by another evil glance coming from Phil and by Phil knocking over some piece of shit they had broken before.

"No, fuck you." Phil whispered through gritted teeth, their eyes still red and on the brink of crying. They then marched off right through their front door with the doors making a bang noise as Phil ran out into the nothingness that was left of the street they lived in.

Dan, as always didn't know what to do. He just stood there in their living room and watched the moment Phil stepped out into the street to be met with absolutely nothing.

Phil just stood there, their hands twitchy, their glance looking for a place to hide and their heart probably completely restless.

There was a quiet sound coming from behind Dan and the hairs on his arms lifted up due to the shivers that came across his body. There was a moment where Dan couldn't recognize where the sound is coming from but then he saw it- a piece of the wall disconnected from the surface it belonged to in a square shape and now was flying in the air, slowly and like it was in the calmest sea ever.

Dan felt a sting of pain echoing throughout his entire body as he came to the conclusion that their apartment and the whole house they were in was about to disappear.

And maybe, the two of them along with it.

Dan ran out as fast as he could, probably faster than he ever ran and entered the whiteness of the street.

Even though, Phil was incredibly pale, they looked like a big contrast in comparison with the nonexistent sky and the city. They looked miserable too and Dan's heart broke into millions pieces due to the sight he was seeing.

He never wanted to see Phil sad. That was the last thing he wanted, Phil has spent too much time being unhappy through their life, and maybe it was time to stop it.

Dan turned around to see their apartment and the house in general. He could see tiny pieces of paint flowing everywhere in their apartment and then flowing out into the air and fading instantly when they touched the ground. Their whole house was about to be quietly demolished but Dan didn't care and Phil seemed to numb to care about anything at all.

The tiny fragments flew around and some of them landed on Phil. They raised their hand in the air to catch some of the pieces of white squares and immediately after to squash them in their hands.

The tiny fragments turned into white dust and their house was slowly sinking into the ground, the whiteness poking their eyes even more. The house opposite theirs was already crumbled into pieces and was half of the size it usually was.

Dan knew that this was the end.

The quiet destruction of everything was the sign that Dan should have realized long ago. The two of them were standing in the middle of the street that was not really recognizable as a street anymore. The road was still slightly grey but it soon became apparent that the road was disappearing too.

The only thing that needed to disappear was-

"I was there..." Phil finally said.

They looked up to find Dan's eyes and the tears started to stream down their pale face again.

"What? Where were you?" Dan reached out to them but then immediately pulled back when he saw another piece of fragment detaching and flowing into the air, this time, coming from his hand.

Phil inhaled sharply, the tears still going without any rest. "I was in the hospital."

The hospital... Dan thought to himself.

"You know the hospital where we saw your grandma."

Dan just nodded, his hair moving slightly due to the breeze that came from who knows where, it wasn't like this was the world anymore. Everything was painted in white around them. So, where did the breeze came from?

"I was there," Phil stopped mid-sentence, his eyes tracing the lines of the road that was disappearing right beneath their shoes. "I was lying in the hospital bed. I saw myself in the mirror."

Dan's heart stopped.

So, Phil was there. That means they know everything.

Phil stopped crying, the quiet sobs lowering itself into an occasional sniffle. Their hands wrapped around their head like it was too much too handle, and yes, it actually was too much to handle, but Dan was pretending like everything was fine.

"And that's not the worst thing. I mean, besides the pain and obvious fucking wound in my stomach, there were people there and it was my-my mom and my entire family."

Phil made a grimace like they were about to cry again but they managed not to start again. Dan stared at Phil, at this beautiful creature he thought he created but it was actually the other way around, he saw this wonderful person who was trapped here with him while on the other side, their family was waiting for them the entire time.

It was that moment when Dan felt like the bad guy and he couldn't blame anyone else other than himself. Because after all, it was his fault and as Phil started to recall everything. Dan also got triggered into remembering the things that he forgot or the things he casted away as irrelevant.

He could remember a bright light before the crash and a huge storm and the smell of coffee in the air. Dan could remember that,and he connected the dots pretty quickly and figured out what happened.

Now, he just needed to say that to Phil.

"I saw myself in the mirror; I saw my tortured and skinny body just lying there." Phil added another punch to Dan's stomach with these words. "I also saw your paintings on the wall."

It wasn't important anymore because Phil just knew that those paintings weren't his. Maybe, a similar style but he wasn't the one who painted it. That was just impossible.

"I looked around the room and I saw everyone that belongs in my life." Phil wiped their cheeks rather violently, like they were trying to rip away the skin from their face.

"Besides you."

Naturally, Phil wanted to make a step forward, towards Dan but as soon as Phil made a step closer Dan made a step back. Dan could see the obvious hurt in Phil's face but it still wasn't time for the two of them to say goodbye.

Dan wasn't ready yet.

Dan could feel all the pain Phil was going through, now more than ever. They were more connected now than they were before and Dan would be grateful unless he knew that the two of them were approaching the end.

"I still haven't gotten an explanation from you." Phil protested, their voice firm and solid and not shaky and unstable like it was before.

Dan clicked his tongue, his hands replacing the calmness it once had and shaking violently alongside his entire body. He wasn't ready to tell the whole thing, was he?

Dan wanted Phil to stay, but stay where? This place was only holding onto a few meters of road and the two of them.

This was the end and it was time for Dan to finally come clean.

"This is, ah, hard to explain." Dan admitted, his hands constantly searching for a place to settle. "But I am firstly really sorry and I hope you won't be mad at me."

Phil nodded even though they couldn't really promise not to be mad.

"I am- you came to me on Halloween night, actually on November first, but that doesn't matter. It was the night and there were bright lights everywhere." Dan made himself smile even though it was a faint smile that faded away almost instantly.

"I didn't invent you. You already existed before." Dan said, his eyes tracing the confusion on Phil's face.

"You were driving, probably going to a party and all that. Being sociable is fun, right?" He tried to make a light hearted joke but Phil's heart was in a grip and they weren't moving, they were just listening.

"There was a bright light and the vehicle in the other lane crossed your lane and there was a loud crash following the previous actions."

All of these emotions and remembering caused a mush of feelings and emotions in Dan's stomach and he finally let himself cry like there was no tomorrow.

Phil stuttered, his words not making any sense, the confusion settling and them waiting for Dan to finally spill out the truth.

"I am the accident. I'm the thing holding you back. All the time when you thought you were progressing and learning more about life, you were just getting your head repaired. I am holding you back. I am the one not letting you go. Because when you finally wake up and you will, I will be gone and you probably won't even remember me and I don't want that to happen. You're keeping me alive. I wasn't keeping you alive. It was the other way around."

Phil was dumb folded, their lips were chapped and faded and their words that come out were slurred and almost unrecognizable.

"But, then who are you exactly?"

"I am someone you saw on the street, someone with curly hair, someone with their fingers smudged in paint, someone who has nothing to do with you." Dan smiled rather faintly, the corners of his lips trying to sooth Phil and himself.

"I don't exist, Phil. I am in your head. I am a part of your head. I am the accident."

The street they were standing on was completely faded and now they were standing in the middle of absolutely nothing.

The buildings were gone, the street was gone, and the only thing left was the two of them.

Dan started to chip away too, there were small fragments flowing away from him and Phil knew that all his suspicions were true.

Phil was the real person and Dan was the imaginary person they invented in their head to cope with the accident and to help them learn and build the pieces that were knocked out of them due to the crash they had.

"Fragments of you are flowing away just like they sky did and the city and our apartment." Phil objected, their fingers accusingly pointing at a square piece of Dan's jacket that was now flowing in the air like snow.

Dan moved to see where that square was and as he moved ten more pieces detached from him. He poked one piece playfully and it looked like it danced away from him and connected with the whiteness of it all.

"You are slowly falling apart too." Phil rambled on, their face showing hurt. "Are you going to fully fall apart like everything else?"

Dan nodded but added, "it wouldn't be too good if I fell apart without you being there to catch me. I am a part of your head, Phil. There are still some holes in there, pieces of your memory that are not patched up completely and the only reason why it's like that is because I am holding them. I am a part of your brain, I hold some of your memories and you need to take them." Dan finished, his skin becoming paler and paler as time progressed.

"So, I can't just leave you to fade away, that would be bad, wouldn't it?" Phil asked, his hands reaching towards Dan and as they got closer, the more fragments of his clothes and skin detached and flew away.

"I don't think so, yeah. I don't know actually exactly, I am not a scientist, but I presume that is what you are supposed to do. So, if you want to save your memories, you better catch me before I fall." Dan finished, his tongue licking his bottom lip as his mouth got dryer and dryer as time passed.

Phil wasn't able to stop the sobs coming from the deepest pit of their being and they started crying so loudly it seemed like this whole nonexistent world was weeping with them. And the worst of all was the fact that Dan couldn't comfort them right now because every time they came closer to each other, another fragment of Dan's skin detached and flew away.

"There is a high possibility that I will forget you when i wake up." Phil added, their tone quiet like they were trying to remember the important stuff.

Dan nodded, merely just an inch after which Phil quietly admitted, "but I don't want to forget you."

"I don't matter anymore." Dan assured phil. "You know I can feel it. How much you miss them. How much you miss your family. You've been away from them for a long time, longer than they expected and that's mostly my fault. I didn't let you learn that fast because I was enjoying talking and hanging out with you too much."

Dan was now so much paler than he ever was and Phil needed to squint their eyes to see if Dan has become transparent like a ghost.

"I just want you to know that your family isn't also peachy as they might be in your memory. Humans tend to romanticize even the bad things and then miss them afterwards after they lose them. Just don't listen to every single word they say. Do your thing. And make sure that you make hell comfortable. Because when you get there it will hurt and it will hurt a lot."

Phil smiled for the first time since they blacked out and giggled slightly until they made themselves shut up because of the feeling of improperness surrounded the space around them.

"Now, that you said all of that; I don't really want to go back."

Dan immediately frowned, his faces grouchy and a line creating between his eyebrows.

"But you need to." Dan replied snappily. "I am not the wizard of this place, I don't know what would happen if you stayed here forever, I just know that the safe way to the real world is through you touching me and then when I completely fall apart, you'll probably wake up right there in the hospital bed."

"Probably," Phil added uncertainly.

Dan made a step forward and a tiny fragment immediately flew from his face, a beige color now flying between the two of them and fading white as soon as it touched the ground. Phil also stepped closer and Dan looked like an unfinished painting now, pieces of him missing all around him, but it didn't matter, he was smiling and so was Phil even though the both of them were crying.

They were an inch from each other and Dan was still there, still standing even though half of his body was now like paper and the rest of him was flowing slowly like snow around them.

Phil was confused, he thought that something was about to happen right now, a loud crash or the sound of thunder but there was just the two of them, really close to each other.

Dan raised his hand to Phil's cheek and touched it carefully, almost like Phil was the one who was tearing apart at the edges and not him. Their hands soon found their way and Phil had his face buried in the crook of Dan's neck or what was left of it, their fingers wrapping around the weak material of their shirts and the two of them holding each other in an embrace.

Phil could feel how Dan was falling apart right beneath their fingers and they realized they didn't have much time.

"Dan, if you can hear me still. I need you to know that I love you." Phil desperately whispered in Dan's ear and clutched harder onto the fabric that was barely even there anymore. Dan was crumbling down into pieces, his body almost transparent now.

"That's good." Dan said, his voice warm and loving. "I am a part of you, which means that you love yourself."

A single tear fell on Dan's shoulder and it was that moment where everything became a crumbled mess.

There were fragments flying, there was a luxuriance of colors in the air and the white was no longer lonely anymore.

And the two of them?

They were one now and they will always be.

Until the end of time.

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woah my dudes
> 
> this chapter has 4k words
> 
> there will be two or maybe three more chapters
> 
> you count two for sure
> 
>  
> 
> i hope you enjoyed this fic and i hope you stick around for two or three more chapters to see how all of this will be unraveled.
> 
> votes and comments are the shit, pls tell your opinions, you all know i appreciate them more than anything


	24. In other words, this is the end

Some people tended to sink like stones in the sea.

Some people floated on the surface until the tides drowned them and carried them to the bottom.

Some people didn't care about metaphors at all and they just carried on with their lives without questioning or without making a point out of something.

Who had it easier?

The people who lived in blissful ignorance or the ones that carried the weight of the world on their shoulders and suffered along with every other person in the world?

The answer is clear and it always will be.

There were weird moments in Phil's life when they thought they were emotionless and then there were times when they felt too much at once. There were times where death was nothing to them and then there were times when someone completely irrelevant died, like a character in a bad movie that Phil didn't even enjoy and they would shed tears like it was someone who was a part of their family.

It was sad.

It was sad to think that Phil had to get into a car crash and to get through whatever this was where they were, to get a clearer picture of their life. Dan became this part of Phil that was secluded from them and his personality was this strange part of Phil that they never really questioned thoroughly.

But they should have.

Because now, after all, this part of themselves, this part that was manifested in Dan Howell, that beautiful boy that Phil cared and still cares about so much, was so important. Phil knew that all their life they tried to push away this artistic person, this person that was sometimes not empathetic and this person that was so easily crushable. During this dream or whatever it was (Phil sincerely hoped it wasn't just a dream because that would be such a cliché), Phil could feel how Dan was like tiny fragments that fell apart quickly under someone's fingers, in this case, under Phil's fingers.

Dan was that fragile part of Phil that Phil tended to avoid throughout their entire life, which of course, was a bad thing. But now, this crash, when their head collided with the steering wheel, made them and forced them to think about the future and what they will do with it.

In some weird way, this was a way of their head showing them the way in life. Dan gave them so many advices through their stay at their apartment and Phil will hold that stuff in their heart as long as they can.

Hopefully their entire life, unless something happens again and they forget all the good stuff they learned through their coma or whatever this was.

Phil woke up, violently, sucking in their breath as they felt nothing but bliss.

Who would say that coma would feel so good?

No, but literally.

Phil's body felt so relaxed and almost like it was purified.

Even though, their body was literally in such a good shape right now, Phil could still feel the jab of pain going through their body as they tried to sit up straight.

Their eyes were accommodating to the bright white light this room was unfortunately illuminated with, their eyelashes stuck together and not completely capable of opening fully.

They could feel their arm struggling to lift to their face and to touch something on their forehead. Phil still couldn't hear fully and there were voices around them that they couldn't decipher.

It was like static but combined with whispers all around Phil. It sounded like something from your worst nightmare. It was really close to being white noise but then it lessened and Phil could hear some familiar voices and then the colors started to phase back into the objects they originated from and then finally, Phil was able to see everything around them.

The hospital bed, the mirror opposite the bed, the faces of Phil's relatives, their family and friends and one annoying clock that was way too loud for this noisy room. Everybody was talking loudly like this was a bar and not a hospital room to which Phil was somehow not surprised but still mildly annoyed.

Phil tried to cough, but it came out as weird squealing to which all of the people in their room turn their heads to. There was another squealing noise coming but this time not from Phil but from their mom.

She came running to their bed while also pushing people away from her way to clutch onto their hand. It didn't take her long but she already started to touch Phil's head like she was an experienced doctor to check up on her "son".

Phil shivered on the specified gender that was used but the pain was still there so they didn't do anything, they just lay there, waiting for their mom to move.

Everyone was looking expectant and Phil bit their bottom lip as they still didn't say a single word since they woke up. Phil could already feel the disappointed glares coming their way but this time Phil decided not to care and this time Phil decided to say "fuck you" to anyone that has something against the things Phil does or what kind of personality Phil takes for themselves.

It was about time that Phil stands up for themselves, it was time to start living without fear and it was time to start doing something they love.

But firstly, they needed to recover.

Phil dared to cast a glance away from their mother and to look at the people in the room, this time their attention redirected at their friends.

Chris was standing there, looking all bold and proud like he knows what Phil has decided. He was wearing something completely out of the ordinary and it looked like something pulled out of Dan's closet. After all, everything that was in Dan's closet were the things Phil has saw somewhere in their life.

Phil's relatives were shitty as always and they didn't even want to spend a second looking at their way so Phil didn't.

Chris was waving at Phil and Phil would've gladly returned the greeting only if they were able to, but their mother had them strapped to their hospital bed like she was afraid that Phil was about to make a run for it.

In the corner of the room, there was a person that was hidden in shadows and out of sight, slightly covered by all the tall people in Phil's family. The person was standing there calmly until they felt Phil's staring and they approached closer and said something like "hey, buddy" which was corny but still reasonable.

It was Dean.

The same Dean that Dan protested so much against and the same Dean that came to Phil's party after Phil had invited him to come when they met at the gallery.

The pieces of the puzzle were finally merging together and now Phil knew why Dan was so against Dean.

Dean was a part of the real world and it was a sign that Phil was close to coming back to reality, back here in the world of pain and back here where Dan doesn't exist as a person but is only a fraction of Phil's brain.

Phil already missed Dan. They had a feeling that Dan was able to say and fix things like it was no trouble at all, but actually it was maybe because Phil wasn't complete and they didn't have all the answers in their head.

Maybe, Dan wasn't such a reliable comfort person as much as they were just a piece missing that Phil usually had when they needed some voice of reason.

There was a part of Phil currently that was mad. They were mad, they weren't even denying it.

Phil couldn't believe that Dan actually held so many secrets from them. Firstly, when Phil painted that goddamn painting of a hospital room that so blatantly showed Phil in the bed, he didn't say anything, he was just shocked.

Phil saw the goddamn syringes but they pretended not to see them, mostly out of fear and mostly because they wanted an answer from Dan that they never got.

But now they knew why those things appeared.

The real world was breaching in their mind almost from the beginning and Phil ignored it, mostly because they didn't want to know and on the other hand, they were having a nice time living where they were.

They were safe and they were with Dan and nothing else really mattered.

The final moment when Phil was about to realize everything was when the last day happened and everything turned to white, when Dan marched towards their room and when all of their guests shared a sympathetic look on their face which was followed by them bursting into tiny fragments of color that dispersed through the air.

Also, everyone was wearing white and now that Phil could look and see properly, they could see the doctors wearing white and the nurses wearing the same tones and they just wanted to smack themselves in the head for not realizing sooner.

Phil recalled the first night they came there and they were also wearing white, which was probably that depressing hospital gown.

There was an overwhelming urge Phil was experiencing currently where they wanted to tear every piece of fabric in this room due to the anger they were feeling for not being smarter and getting the clues sooner.

Dan was probably the one holding the smart part of Phil's brain.

Chris had a sad smile on his face and so did Dean. His mom was urging Phil to talk but they just didn't want to, they felt sad and everyone felt expectant.

They were holding on for some reason, the tiny pieces of strength still in their muscles but there was no point, they just let go and their head floated back in the dark as they closed their eyes to sleep.

Maybe, sleep will make these people go away.

-

Phil woke up again, this time not violently like the first time.

They couldn't move because the sheets were tightly wrapped around their body and it was almost claustrophobic to be in there, but this time it didn't really matter. It was eleven in the morning which meant that Phil only slept for two hours, which was to be honest such a small amount of time.

Phil didn't jerk awake like they do usually, but they stayed there, laying calmly, their eyes cranking open just a bit so they could see who's still in the room. The clock was ticking away really annoyingly and Phil would give anything to make it stop, they had a horrible feeling like someone was counting down to their death with every strike of the hour hand.

Their head was still a bloated mess and they were grateful for at least having phil's family out of the room.

Luckily, there was only one person sitting there who was being really quiet while they flipped the pages of today's newspaper.

Chris was there, his face stoic and calm and somehow at peace with himself, which was a lovely sight Phil hasn't seen much throughout their friendship. He had the newspaper pages attached to his fingers and every once in a while, Chris would flip the page over like he was looking at picture of naked chicks in a playboy magazine and not just The Morning Post.

Phil knew what Chris was doing. He had this weird thing when he flipped the pages to look at them from weird angles which was too be fair, the weirdest fucking thing ever, but he didn't hurt anyone with that, so it didn't really matter.

After so many times of Chris flipping the page, Phil couldn't be bothered anymore and they let themselves laugh at what Chris was doing. Naturally, Chris immediately looked in Phil's direction and cranked the biggest grin he could muster.

"Jesus Christ, Chris. Just come closer, over here. Don't look at me like that, this is not the resurrection of Jesus Christ, I am just awake." Phil jokingly said, as their fingers clutched onto the sheets of the bed so they make themselves sit straight.

As they finally got into a normal sitting position, Chris pulled a chair closer to them and stared expectantly at Phil like they were waiting for something even though he was just unsure of what to say.

"Well, it might as well be. Dude, you are okay, that's the only thing that matters now." Chris looked guilty while saying that sentence to which Phil frowned because this was out of the ordinary, this wasn't Chris's fault.

Was it?

"How are you feeling?" Chris blabbed out the irrelevant question, his facial expression showing hope and concern at the same time.

Phil just shot him a death glare, the lines around their eyes crinkling as soon as they did that, just to make sure Chris knew they were joking.

"Oh, yeah, sorry, stupid question." Chris answered, his lips curling upwards as the concerned look came back to his face.

"If you actually want to know, I feel kind of relaxed, you know?" Phil replied honestly, "I would expect pain surging from all sides, but there's not much? It's super weird."

Chris just nodded, a small smirk coming across his face.

"You know, your family is a pain in the ass!" Chris almost half shouted, Phil immediately putting their hand over Chris's mouth.

Chris and Phil shared a laugh that was half sad, half truthful, but none the less it was normal and easy to laugh again. Phil didn't want to make an observation but now that Chris was sitting really closely to them, they just couldn't escape the tired signs on Chris's face.

The dark circles under his eyes, the shakiness of his hands, and the bloodshot eyes that were not something Chris had commonly.

The signs were all there, Chris was worried like hell, it wasn't even necessary to speak it aloud, it was just visible and Chris could see the worried expression on Phil's face and they just tapped their shoulder.

"Don't you worry about me; I am not the one who was in a car crash."

Phil tried to discreetly hide the fact that they felt sad but they were too tired and they couldn't think about anything else other than about for how long they have been there.

"Chris?" Phil asked, their real question hanging in the air, "how long have I been here?"

It was natural to feel scared in this moment; Phil was actually terrified of the answer. In their dreamland or whatever that was, they spent good three or almost four months with Dan and it would be logical if it was the same like that in this universe too. Sometimes, Phil wanted for time to move faster but now that it has in one way or another, they couldn't help but feel terrified.

Chris looked on their wrist watch and calculated in themselves for a second before a brief and unexpected answer came to Phil.

"Give or take, around twenty six hours or so."

What the fuck?

Phil stood up even more straight up in their bed, their bottom lip hanging in anger and confusion and most of all, in distress.

"What the fuck?" Phil repeated what they thought. "Only twenty six hours?"

Phil's eyes were wide and they couldn't help but feel betrayed. Chris laughed it off like it was nothing.

"What? Did you want to be out for a longer time?" Chris jerked Phil's hand gently as their joking tone lessened when they saw the absolute horror in Phil's face.

All of the things that happened in Phil's head that lasted for months was only acted out in twenty six hours. It was unbelievable to think how their brain tricked them. It was almost like Phil couldn't trust themselves anymore. All of the things that happened with Dan took place in their brain in a day, a bit more than twenty four hours. Fucking hell, Phil was pissed off. But at who, themselves? No. they weren't, they were pissed off at this particular part of their brain that was captivated and owned by that fucker called Dan.

Phil couldn't believe this shit.

All of the things from Phil coming to Dan's apartment, from the two of them watching TV, from the two of them working on art pieces, from them going to the gallery, to the club, to the tattoo parlor, all of those things played out in such a short time.

But for Phil, it felt like months and it probably always will.

"Chris, could you like get my personal stuff from wherever they are keeping it?" Phil asked, their mind clouded with worry.

His friend was fortunately ready for anything, they would literally jump off a bridge for Phil, but this time it wasn't necessary to do anything extreme.

"Luckily, they are not keeping it in a safe, but in a drawer next to your bed." Chris giggled as he already got his hands on the plastic bag where Phil's belongings were stacked together.

Phil literally snatched it with their hands, their hands already rummaging inside. The air from the plastic bag came to their nose and it engulfed them but also the smell of smoke approached them swiftly like the car crash happened just a second ago.

The smell of smoke was stronger than the awful plastic smell that wrapped up their belongings and Phil could feel the acid in their stomach rising a bit but not enough for them to throw up.

There was actually a bunch of things Phil couldn't recognize in this bag and Chris could see the confusion painted on Phil's face as they went through the stuff that was theirs but for Phil it could literally be anyone else's.

There was a phone there that Phil couldn't unlock for shit, they forgot the password, and their mind was clouded with worry, what if Phil never remembers the passcode? There were their keys inside, the keys to their house or apartment, whatever Phil had; they couldn't really remember where they lived. There were tissues inside that were a little bit red in a few places to which Chris pointed out that earlier that day Phil's nose was bleeding and that was why they had tissues with themselves.

"You know you were headed to a party?" Chris pointed out, his face frowned and his eyebrows drawn closer. "My party."

Phil laughed for real, out loud, happily because of that sentence. "Me? A party? No fucking way."

Chris was sad and Phil just knew that someone from Phil's family made Chris feel guilty but Phil wasn't going to hear a word about it.

"Look at me." Phil grabbed Chris's left shoulder. "I don't even want to see you blaming yourself, don't be a dipshit, everything's fine, I am alive, all is well and that shit."

Chris smiled the smallest smile ever but it was enough for Phil. He continued talking about how the ambulance was luckily right there when they crashed and how the other vehicle, in this case a smaller truck went out without any damage and that the driver was alive, and how it wasn't Phil's fault, because the driver fell asleep and drove into Phil's lane and made them swerve into the forest that was by the road until they crashed into a tree.

Until Chris was rambling, Phil continued to go through the bag to check all the stuff inside and they could feel the material and recognize it,but not completely. They still had a feeling like it was theirs until they found a security pass.

Phil raised it to the level of their faces and looked at Chris, "what the frick is this?"

The security pass had Phil's face on it and their full name. It was blue and there was a name of some company on it.

The scariest thing on it was the fact that Phil was wearing classy clothes which was so weird and unnatural to see.

Chris just grabbed it and turned it around, looking at Phil a bit confused.

"Wow, you really hit your head hard? The doctor did say that you could have a temporary amnesia which was fine because all of that shit will come back to you-"

"Chris, just answer me, what is this?"

Chris pouted, their bottom lip hanging a bit as they said the thing Phil never wanted to hear.

"A security pass, it's your security pass. You work in an insurance company?" Chris left the last part of the sentence hanging like a question as he saw the literal dark coming over Phil's face.

"Oh my fucking god, I can't believe this!" Phil punched their bed, their hands going over their face, like it was about to disappear and they had to make sure it was still there.

"I thought you would remember that, at least. You've been working there for four years now, I've been working with you there for two years now, I don't know why it's such a big deal, mate. Calm down!" Chris jokingly pointed out.

And of course, yes. Of course, Phil started working in this stupid piece of shit of a company when they were twenty two.

Dan was twenty two.

"I really don't want to ask you this, but I really hope you know." Phil wiped their mouth. "What did I want to do before I started working there?"

Chris cracked their knuckles as they thought about it hard, their brain probably spacing right now from all the thinking.

"I think you told me one time that you wanted to be an artist." Chris snapped his fingers as he finally remembered what Phil has told him long time ago.

Phil was sad, angry and miserable at the same time. They couldn't hold the anger in themselves anymore so they threw the security pass across the room.

Chris started laughing, of course he did, he didn't understand what Phil was going through.

The realization was falling in places and it was enough for Phil to feel like someone has beaten them down repeatedly.

"I know it's not a good job, but it's safe and you get your paycheck every month." Chris cackled as the security pass still laid there on the floor.

Phil couldn't believe their life choices. They worked in an insurance company, what the fuck? Honestly, this was a moment Phil felt the least proud of themselves in their entire life and that was saying something.

Chris smiled faintly, "you wanted to be an artist, you wanted to paint and live in a small apartment with someone you love. I am literally quoting you." Chris smiled one more time, worry settling around their heart as he saw his friend being freaked out as much as Phil was.

Phil grabbed their head, maybe too violently than they intended to, their fingers going through their hair slowly as they felt every single little knot in their hair. "Oh my god," Phil whispered to themselves as Chris's hand was again on their shoulder, his fingers rubbing this one spot on their shoulder like it was going to make it all better.

Phil's mom walked in and Phil already knew that she was going to be pissed at both of them for not telling her that her precious child was awake. She immediately made a run for it so she could hug her kid that was so close to death but luckily, god or some other force made Phil stay with her at least for some time now.

She kissed Phil on the cheek and called them "a beautiful boy" to which Phil scrunched up their nose in slight anger but what can you do? You can't really tell no to your mom. She, of course, saw the small fraction of anger displayed by Phil and she corrected herself and said "oh yeah, my beautiful man", which was honestly even worse. Chris giggled to that which gave Phil some hope that maybe their friends actually didn't call Phil the way their mom just did.

Two nurses came inside, their white clothes striking in Phil's mind as something too familiar, but it wasn't their clothes that was just familiar, it was their faces too.

It was Louise and Cat and Phil couldn't believe it, they literally screeched at the sight of them.

Phil was too happy not to react and they called them out by their name, "Cat! Louise!" Phil's smile was plastered on their face as Cat and Louise stepped back carefully as some stranger, some patient who just woke up after a short termed coma of sorts called the two of them after their first names.

"How do you know our names?" Louise pointed out, her fingers twitchy as Phil stared at them confused.

Cat was literally frozen in place, her glance constantly jumping from Phil to Louise.

Louise was obviously the one with more bravery because she was the one asking the questions.

"I must have heard it somewhere, or saw it on your tiles on your uniforms." Phil replied shakily, all of the people in the room looking at him warily.

Everybody knew that was a lie because the tiles on everyone's uniforms in the hospital always said someone's last names and Louise made a careful step forward as she informed everyone that visiting hours were over and that they needed to leave the room and let Phil rest.

Cat eyed them out, her teeth scraping over her bottom lip as she stood there in the corner, looking all frowned and uncertain in what just happened.

Phil wasn't certain either, they really didn't know what just happened.

They had a feeling they won't be able to set reality from imagination for a long time.

But they'll get used to it.

One day.

-

This was a story about a person who needed change in their life.

This was a story about how life gives you no chances and how you have to take chances in your hands and make them your own path through life.

This was a story about how feelings are complicated and not everything can be worked out with a smile.

And finally, this was a story about two people who were indeed just one.

Phil Lester decided to turn a new leaf in their life. They decided a lot of things, starting with quitting their job.

It wasn't an easy decision, everyone looked so disappointed and some of them even angry, the only person who was cheering for them was Chris and maybe a few other coworkers who Phil couldn't really remember actually, but they seemed to have a spot in Phil's brain.

The second thing they decided to do was to move from their parents' house, yes, you heard it correctly, Phil lived with their parents and they almost burst out laughing when Chris told them while they were lying in the hospital.

Phil's mom was beyond dissatisfied while Phil's dad shook their hand and said, "son, finally, you are getting off our back" to which Phil laughed and giggled as the discreet permission from their dad settled in their brain.

The third thing they tried to do was to get them a life. Like for real, they figured out that they were as antisocial as Dan was.

And speaking of Dan, after a few weeks Phil realized that Dan's face was permanently wiped from their memory.

Phil couldn't handle that thought without concerning themselves so they let their soul cry for some time, and by some time, it meant for a few weeks.

Nobody really knew what was going on and everybody tried to cheer them up, but it wasn't working.

Time passed and Phil finally found a small apartment somewhere in the city. Their parents looked it out with them even though their mom disliked every single thing about the place just because she didn't want to see her kid go away.

Phil was twenty six; they needed to start living their life.

Dean and Chris were all up for that and they couldn't wait for Phil to move so that they could have "mad parties and banters at Phil's place".

Make hell comfortable, were some of the famous last words spoken by Dan, by their soul mate, by their best friend before they disappeared and that was exactly what Phil was currently doing with their life.

Phil was making it better and they felt good for the first time in a long time.

And when it came to work and working, Phil wasn't going to lock themselves away with a shitty job anymore. They decided to do what they loved. Art.

It was early in the morning and Phil couldn't help but feeling extra victorious. Today was a day when their life was officially beginning.

The moving truck parked right outside their house and their bedroom was completely empty and full of huge boxes that were spread everywhere, from Phil's clothes, to their DVD's and to their books.

It was there, ready to go.

Phil's mom yelled at them to let them know that the truck was here but Phil has been waiting for it since six in the morning. It was already eight now and they have been late for about half an hour, but Phil didn't mind and nor did their parents.

They ran down with as many huge boxes they managed to grab along the way and luckily it didn't take long until all of those boxes were outside in their front yard waiting for it to be boxed away to another place.

Phil's mom was not handling this very well and she kissed Phil's cheeks for about hundred times now and told them to be a "good boy" to which Phil shrugged for about hundred times more.

Their dad was totally okay and just landed their huge hand on their shoulder and nodded. Phil expected a speech on how drugs are bad for them but luckily they didn't get one.

The boxes were outside and the guy that came with the truck told them to start loading it inside.

Phil was the first one to take all their belongings and start trudging them inside, they put so many boxes in their hands that they couldn't see where they were going and that was a mistake because in about a second they were on the floor, the person who knocked them down along with Phil.

"I am so sorry." The guy said, their mouth quick to make an apology to avoid further embarrassment to which Phil so did not care about. They were done feeling embarrassed.

"Don't be sorry, it's mostly my fault." Phil said as they were still lying on the floor, the boxes still completely sealed but all around the two of them.

The guy sat up straight, his hand reaching out to Phil and Phil took it gladly, their closed eyes opening to see the stranger in front of them.

It was a boy with brown curly hair, pretty tall and well pretty altogether. There was something so similar about him that Phil just couldn't put in their head but as Phil was on their warpath to happiness they decided to be a little rash and bold.

"What's your name?" Phil questioned the boy sitting on the floor next to them with their brown eyes wide open. He looked scared but happy and intrigued at the same time.

Phil wasn't even going to lie to themselves, they were fairly interested in this peculiar boy beside them.

The guy looked around like he was looking for help from this totally upfront person in front of them but they still told Phil, "it's James, I am James." James gave his hand to Phil and Phil took it with both hands.

Phil looked at this boy named James and they couldn't put them in a certain box no matter what, but they had a feeling like they already knew each other from somewhere.

"I am sorry, I almost forgot to ask you, what's your name?" James asked as he helped Phil stand up on their feet.

"I am Phil." They answered, their eyes still observing over James's body and face and looking for something distinctive that would make them remember from where they remember James from. "Do we know each other from somewhere?" Phil admonished firmly as James just looked around frightened.

James looked kind of lost and he looked around a few times to their right and left like he was checking if someone was listening. "We met once. Right here actually." Phil raised their eyebrow. "When it was Halloween, you were getting in your car and going somewhere, we exchanged a few words but nothing special." James added, his lips curling upwards as the answer settled.

Phil bit their lip. This James guy remembered them from so many weeks ago but Phil just couldn't remember them.

"You know what?" James shook their head. "I was in a car accident right after that so forgive me for not remembering you." Phil smiled sadly as James brightened up but also saddened at the words Phil has said. normally, people would feel bummed when those kind of words were spoken aloud by someone but James had other things in mind.

"It's fine, don't worry, I am just passing by, doesn't matter, I am here to meet my friend so I'll be off-"James mumbled out, his words only showing Phil how he wants to escape this pretty uncomfortable situation.

"Please, wait." Phil yelled as James was already beginning to walk away from them. "I don't want to repeat the same mistake again so I am going to do something I don't do often."

Phil pulled out a piece of paper and scribbled down their phone number onto it. Yes, it was cliché and yes, Phil just didn't care.

It would be a bold statement if it was said that James was surprised, his eyes were the size of the moon or the size of flying saucers if you wish, and their bottom lip was hanging and Phil just knew that at least today they actually did something that could be considered a success., besides the fact that they were moving away from their parents.

James was dumb folded and they took the papers with shaking hands, Phil couldn't help but giggle at that.

It was so obvious that James wasn't able of speaking right now so Phil decided to do the last step for the two of them; they pulled out another piece of paper and held it out for James to take and the sharpie between their index finger and their thumb.

"Oh!" James looked up to Phil in surprise, "you want my number too?"

Phil just giggled and said, "no, I am just giving you this paper so you can look at it." Their sarcasm was well taken and James smiled along with them.

He scribbled the numbers and his name as quickly as they could on this small piece of paper Phil gave them.

"You have a messy handwriting." Phil observed what was totally obvious which only made James pout, but not angrily just in a defiance mode.

James looked at the piece of paper Phil has scribbled on and raised it to their faces as a proof.

"You are the one to speak. Look at your handwriting."

Phil looked at James and smiled because that was the only thing they could do and they felt something in the pit of his stomach, something that he didn't feel in a long time and it felt so unfamiliar but he waited for it with open arms.

Happiness.

Phil thought that it would be the best if he said something because James looked somehow expectant.

"Well, then." Phil looked up to the grey morning sky and lowered his gaze to James.

"Welcome to the messy handwriting club."

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay guys this chapter has 6k words and i am proud, we needed closure and even though i said that i would write maybe another chapter i decided not to. because this is over. like this is the end, i hope you guys enjoyed this because i sure did. i spent six months on writting this and i am really really really proud, this is my first story that actually really mattered.
> 
> also, i decided to make another chapter where i would answer to your questions.
> 
> and i would post that chapter here so that everyone can see it lmao
> 
> so you guys leave questions in the comments and i will wait for about a week and then i will answer them
> 
> you can ask stuff like smth you want to know about either dan or phil or smth that maybe wasn't mentioned, smth that you want to know about them that only i know.
> 
> i am writer after all, you can ask whatever, i hold the answers in my head.
> 
> and also when i answer all of those questions you will know the title of my next phanfic!!!
> 
> as always my dudes,
> 
> votes and comments are the shit!!
> 
>  
> 
> i lovelovelove you all!!


	25. You asked, i answered

-PhilLester- asked: WHY IS DAN'S NAME JAMES?

the last part of this when Phil meets this person who they already met before is James, well. Daniel James Howell. that's where that came from and when phil got into a car crash the form of dan took the body but not the mind of this James dude that's basically Dan.

-PhilLester- asked:WOULD YOU WRITE A SEQUEL BECAUSE I WOULD READ THE FUCK OUT OF THAT??

i would not. i am sorry. but the thing about this fic is that it's a story that's over. there's nothing else to say. nothing deep or profound at least!!

-PhilLester- asked: WHY DID THIS HURT ME MORE THAN YOU'RE THE STRAW TO MY BERRY?

idk man. it's maybe cause you didn't really see it coming? maybe, because of that,

i would say that there's no reason for you guys to be sad because i feel like this is a happy ending. in one form or another. i just idk. i think this is good. phil is happy and so am i.

-PhilLester- asked:HOW ARE YOU SUCH A GOOD FUCKING WRITER I STG

when you look at it from my perspective, i am really not,.

in most of the chapters there so many stuff that could have been described better, but it's also logical that i lack at that part, because after all, english is my second language.

crybabyshipsphan asked: will Phil completely forget the time they spent with Dan in their comatose state? They don't remember his face at this point so will Phil eventually forget everything about that coma as time passes?

the answer is no, they won't. they just forgot how dan looks like, because irl (or not in their comatose state, Phil isn't really a person who remember people's faces)

and yet again, this was like a dream of sort and even though you remember the dream, you still don't remember the faces.

sometimes.

but yeah Phil will remember this and they will look for similarities between James and Dan all the time.

 

ooodiaoo asked: If I must ask one question is how did Phil know Louise and Cat in real life? Is this a hint towards anything else or unrelated?

the fact that phil knew them, or their names is the fact when they blacked out, they were in the hospital and they saw cat and louise and heard their names and then they went back to dan, so when they woke up and called their names, Phil basically knew that from the time when they blacked out

also at the beginning, when the ambulance picked them up, they heard louise calling cat and vice versa and they saw their faces and then that projected into this world they built up in their head.

 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello my dudes.
> 
> this is officially over.
> 
> you asked some questions and i answered.
> 
> if anyone wants to know some question in the future, just comment and i will answer,
> 
> this story meant a bunch to me and it still does,
> 
> but now it's time for something new
> 
> you can check out my new phanfic called Sorry, we are dead
> 
> and don't worry nobody is dead
> 
> ....
> 
> yet
> 
> lmao
> 
> check it out if you wanna!


	26. Dear diary, i have a lot of love in my heart

Dear diary,  
Or should I call you by a name and not just an object. Maybe, I should do that. Phil tends to call inanimate objects and unknown people Susan, so I might as well call you Susan.

So hello, Susan.

I have reffered to you just as the diary in previous entries but from now on and until I stop writting this, I will call you Susan.

I have everything in life. Literally, everything. Nothing is wrong, I am literally at the top of my strenght and at the top of my artistic level in this wonderful life.

Everything that surrounds me is wonderful, spell-binding, amazing. I think I have no words, actually.

The people that surround me are everything to me.

Phil Lester is everything to me.

It's a stormy morning in London and I for one, don't care that it's cold even though I can feel my fingers curling every once in a while under the table.

Phil is still asleep or well, they are not ready to get out of bed yet.

I am looking at them and I am just hoping that they don't notice. Their hair is on their face and I would move it if I wasn't so afraid of waking them fully up. I saw them open their eyes a few times, but now they are closed and i can see how their chest rises every few seconds. Deeply. Slowly.

Inhale.

Exhale.

It's unbelievably calming to look at Phil just lying there. Their right arm is flung slightly over their chest and the bed sheets around them are all wrinkled as they tossed and turned in their sleep last night.

I would wake up every once in a while to check if Phil was okay and every time I did, they would frown in their sleep but after I would touch their hand and wrap my fingers around it and interlock our fingers, they would stop and a ghost of a smile would pass their lips.

God, I live for that.

Now, Phil was soundly sleeping and I am sitting here by the window, a pencil between my fingers, words waiting to be written.

I don't have much to say.

How could i?

I am finally happy.

I have everything.

And for the first time I can finally agree with what Leo Tolstoy said.

All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. 

Me and Phil. We are a family.

We talked about some concepts, me and Phil, the other day and we laughed about how much we don't need anything else but still, coming up with some wild concepts was a good passtime.

For example:

We live by the ocean, by a river, by a lake. We watch the sunrise and sunset on the horizon every day from our little house, a cottage, a whatever. We watch as the colours fade into one another before our eyes - pink, gold, violet, amber, glimmering on the water surface, but we don't care because we painted those things long ago and our eyes seem to catch each other's more than anything.

We don't need the sun.

We need each other.

We are watching the stars and there is no air pollution to dim their brightness just like there are in the city. They shine brightly with the moon. We don't feel so alone anymore. There are so many shooting stars passing us and we are lying on the green grass as they pass quickly like they don't want to carry the weigh of our wish.

So many of them pass, that we run out of wishes.

Phil wishes for world peace, but nothing like that happens in the near future.

Maybe, that was just a plane.

We are lying in a field of flowers where no one can find us, we don't want to be asked things, we don't want to talk about the future. Bees are buzzing nearby and the scent of lavender and daisies surround us. We watch the clouds rolling by and we wish we stopped looking at the clouds and looked at each other more.

But we do that.

Even too much, maybe...

We are sitting somewhere beautiful and we are drawing everything we see in my journal. Birds sing, the ocean whispers, and we feel good enough. I let my creativity run free with colour pencils, paint, pressed leaves and pastels. But i move all of that away because my art is sitting next to me and that's all i need.

It's raining outside and we are snuggled in our blankets watching all of our favourite films, with no responsibilities or deadlines in our minds. There's no concept of time and we enjoy every second. The movies finish and i turn to Phil but they are already sleeping on my shoulder, their hair covering their face just an inch too much. I pick them up and carry them in my hands into our room and leave them be. They need rest.

We are drinking hot chocolate with marshmallows in a café while Phil tends to eat too much of them,so i put my hand over the bag we bought so they don't get sick from so much sugar. We watch people walk by outside, each wrapped up in their own lives and minds. I make up stories for each of them. Phil turns all of their lives in an adventure.

Phil says all of them deserve it. I disagree.

We are baking cookies and all my worries drift away. It's Christmas soon and i got my birthday present ready for them. The cookies turn out amazing; the chocolate is gooey and the dough is soft. We are proud of what we made with our own hands. They melt in my mouth and we eat them without guilt or any unecessary feeling.

Phil's hands are engulfed in so much sugar powder and they put their hands close to their eyes and those tiny particles make their eyes itchy. I put some eye drops in their eyes. after some time, it isn't itchy anymore and everything is fine. We throw ourselves on the couch from exhaustion.

Phil discovers their favourite artist. A painter, to be exact. It's Monet. I show them the book I have about Claude Monet, Phil says that they love their later work. I promise them that I will take them to Monet's gardens where all of these beautiful paintings were painted and Phil makes me hold that promise.

We see all the beautiful places and discover hidden treasures too. When we are sad, we have a million beautiful memories that can make us feel ok again. 

We feel love. So much love.

I have a lot of love in my heart. I don't know what to do with all of it. I share it with Phil all the time, but sometimes I have a feeling like Phil doesn't understand our connection.

That makes me sad but then I remember that Phil's not going away anywhere. I am too selfish to let them go.

Phil stirs in their sleep once more and their back is now turned to me. A piece of blanket is not covering them anymore and their pajama has lifted a bit so a piece of their pale skin is visible. i could just go there and cover them up so they don't get a cold. It's pretty cold in their room and I am most definitely freezing. I got to take care of them. All the time. Even though i don't need to anymore.

They are completely free to go wherever they want to and they could leave this second and it would all be fine. Phil knows everything they're supposed to know. They are free to go, but Phil never does.

We do everything together and I can't really see the world if the two of us aren't together to go through it.

I can't imagine my life without Phil Lester. I could try to live without Phil but i don't think that would go well. I hope Phil feels the same.

Sometimes, I try to understand them but Phil's a really unique creature and it's impossible to figure them out. I even stopped trying.

This brings me to an uncomfortable situation we had with a person i once knew yesterday when we were shopping.

Our day began slowly and we rolled around Tesco and then Lidl cause why not? Phil always demands those awful raisins that I absolutely hate from Lidl so we even went there. And as we were strolling down the aisle, feeling a bit like we were in some zombie movie, Phil putting things in the place where they don't belong and me putting them where they are so the people, mostly women who work there, don't have to do an additional job.

And then we almost crashed into another trolley, or as the americans say, shopping cart.

And then i saw this one person i knew but couldn't quite put my finger on it. The stranger and me looked at each other in the eye and it took us a second to realize we know each other.

Out of all of the people in the world i actually had to meet Robby. The worst person i ever had the unfortune to meet. We went to highschool together and then after high school, he more or less vanished into thin air and nobody really knew where he went.

But here he was now, his hands full with bottles of Putinoff, that disgusting votka that i never even thought about buying because yikes, that shit is disgusting. Phil was looking at me because i had my mouth opened wide and they knew that that meant I saw something that I didn't want to see or I just had an epihany which is literally impossible because after all, we were in a goddamn Lidl.

What is there to be inspired by? Corruption and abuse of workers?

Oh, wait...

Never mind all that, Robby was staring at us like he won the fuckin lottery and I was suspecting it to be the worst of words that were about to escape his lips.

And boy, I was fucking right.

"Daniel, I never took you as a faggot!"

Phil gritted their teeth, anger evident on their face for the first time, probably in the entire time they spent with me and I was taken back so much by it that I didn't even realize that Robby was snickering in front of us.

I didn't care about Robby, I didn't care about what he said. Because for one, it was false. Two, it's a slur and it's a disgusting thing to say to someone.

Robby was crossed in my mind forever and i dragged Phil away from the awful shape of a human that was unfortunately Robby.

As we passed Robby, he said some other foul things and Phil just turned away and said, "have fun with Putin".

And i have never been more proud of Phil at that moment, because that comeback was golden.

I actually managed to forget what Robby said by the time we got home and i was pretty chirpy and i started to unpack all the things we bought and put them in their belonging place when i saw Phil sit down and cradle their face in their hands.

I knew right there and then that something was wrong, so I sat down and put my hand around their arm, my fingers going slowly over Phil's skin in an attempt to try to sooth them because they were upset and it was my job to comfort them.

Phil leaned into my side and I got my hands completely around them, almost smoothering them in this tight hug. They started laughing and I knew it was time to leave them.

I moved away so Phil could look at me directly and I knew some important questions were about to come my way from them.

"What did Robby mean by when he said that which one of us? yknow?"

I sighed and Phil looked even sadder, Robby has said some disgusting sexual things that none of us would do and I don't think normal couples do that either so I couldn't really explain that to Phil.

I opted for a better way out.

But Phil stopped me before I managed to say anything.

"What are we to each other?"

And I stopped for a second, because I wasn't sure so myself.

"What do we have to do? Do we have to do those things? Because I-?

Phil asked once more, the worry evident in their trembling voice.

Oh, god, I was so scared of these questions.

I thought about all of these things for a long time and I was silent because I didn't really know how I feel. I feel everything with Phil and those things that Robby said were so irrelevant. We didn't need those things. We didn't need anything like that.

How do i explain that?

Phil asked me those questions a few time because I seemed to fall into a silence as I stared into the void. I finally gathered the things I wanted to say in my mind and Phil looked at me carefully.

"What do you feel when I hold your hand?" I asked, carefully as the world slipped from my mouth.

"I feel like it belongs there." Phil answered shortly just as if I was supposed to know that.

A smile crept onto my face and oh, man, this felt so nice and lovely to hear.

I understood it was time for me to continue.

"So, yeah. you understand that we don't have to do anything that makes us uncomfortable. We hold hands, we hug all the time and even maybe too much."

"We could never hug too much." Phil said as they hugged me one more time with a smile and then let me go.

"We are not boyfriends, that's for sure, because even if we were in a relationship, we couldn't be called like that, cause you are not a boy."

Phil just quietly said yeah and looked at the ceiling.

"But I feel love. I feel love for you. And I can't imagine my life without you. So what do we call that?"

Phil looked concerned and I hoped that all bad thoughts get lost inside their mind. I tucked a stray strand of hair behind their ear and lifted their chin so that they look at me.

"You are my best friend. You are my soul mate. I don't need us to kiss or to do anything else, i just want to hold your hand, is that okay?"

Phil smiled and looked down, a little blush covering their cheeks as they shyly said "also, hugs, don't forget hugs."

I wrapped my arms around Phil and we stayed there on the couch and fell asleep. I didn't bother to move us until the night fell and then I scooped them in my arms and carried them to our room just like in those concepts of ours.

We didn't need the ocean, we didn't need the stars and no forest or any luxary could compete with what felt like when you hold your whole world in your arms. The only thing we needed was this shitty apartment and our hands that were almost constantly wrapped around each other's.

The word beautiful was so strange when it came to describing Phil and I felt like it was a poor choice for them. They were beyond beautiful.

Pretty, lovely, handsome, attractive, gorgeous, dazzling, splendid, magnificent, comely, fair, ravishing, graceful, elegant, fine, exquisite, aesthetic, pleasing, shapely, delicate, stunning, glorious, heavenly, resplendent, radiant, glowing, blooming and sparkling.

Phil could be found in all of these words and I would lose my breath if I ever wanted to describe Phil out loud.

Some people die looking for a hand to hold.

I got Phil's and i don't need anything else.

Oh, wait, i heard a sound.

I think Phil's waking up, better finish this entry, i wrote a lot and not just about the weather and what I am going to draw today.

It has been lovely to talk to you, Susan.

Now, i got to wake up the love of my life and start the day.

Art awaits us.

Till the next time,

Dan.

 

P.S. Phil's been eating my cereal again.

 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> votes and comments are rad.
> 
> pls let me know what you thought about this,
> 
> also i am writting a new fic sorry, we are dead. it has 7 chapters for now.so if ya all wanna check it out you always can!!!  
> i wrote this additional chapter cause i promised it before and now here it is.  
> this is situated probably like two or three weeks before the end.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first phanfic and i am really excited to write this. i hope you enjoyed this chapter. votes and comments and your thoughts would be really appreciated.


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